Author Topic: Ascension, Chapters 1 & 2 - 12/19/08  (Read 2308 times)

Chaos

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Ascension, Chapters 1 & 2 - 12/19/08
« on: December 29, 2008, 07:19:49 AM »
Here are the first two chapters of Ascension. Yusuke will send out Chapters 3 and 4 sometime tomorrow and post up a separate topic for those ones.

Just to clarify, I wrote these first two. Suke has written the rest.

Rip it to shreds, guys :P
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jjb

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Re: Ascension, Chapters 1 & 2 - 12/19/08
« Reply #1 on: December 29, 2008, 09:02:07 AM »
Starting off with a swear word? I guess that could work sometimes, but in this instance it seemed very immature to be me. Especially when you repeated that word in the same paragraph.

And a serene smile doesn't really work for me. To me, serene implies just contentedness with no hint of a smile or from. And later the serene woman smirked. That also seems contradictory.

Also, his violent thoughts towards the woman seem unfounded. Not that he hates her, but that he thinks he can kill her whenever he wants means he's either extremely powerful or extremely arrogant. He's captured, right? So his captors wouldn't have let him keep his sword/knife, whatever blade he uses to kill people. (Okay, I guess you answered that part.) But it seems really dumb of the captors to let him be free to move however pleased him. (And you explained that, too)

Not sure how I feel about this whole Ilyena omniscient thing. No one is able to predict exactly what another person will do. The fact that Raven followed her plan exactly by only injuring her and Valan when he had killed everyone else is too perfect to be believable in the story. I'm interested to see how the story plays out right now, but I don't believe the characters.

Also, why does everytime it switches to Raven's PoV, he says Fu%@? You're trying to show how angry he gets?, but it'd be better if you came up with intelligent words.

Chaos

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Re: Ascension, Chapters 1 & 2 - 12/19/08
« Reply #2 on: December 29, 2008, 09:41:08 AM »
Not sure how I feel about this whole Ilyena omniscient thing. No one is able to predict exactly what another person will do. The fact that Raven followed her plan exactly by only injuring her and Valan when he had killed everyone else is too perfect to be believable in the story.

Ooh, I'd be really wary on what characters think of themselves. They tend to be very unreliable narrators, you know.
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Frog

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Re: Ascension, Chapters 1 & 2 - 12/19/08
« Reply #3 on: December 29, 2008, 11:16:21 AM »
HmmÖthat was disturbing, and intriguing, all at the same time. Though you definitely made your point from before; when you say demon, you mean it ;)
Like jjb, I didnít think your constant use of the same swear word added much to book/character, except make me wonder about his IQ. And I felt you were over-killing his destructive thought pattern a bit. I just mean that I got it. He likes to kill people for no apparent reason. Now give me something new (especially in part two when all the guy is doing is sitting around thinking) or at least start explaining why because the characters in general felt a little empty to me. You got some war obsessed general types and some maniac killer, but I still donít feel any connection to them because I donít understand them (Why does this guy want to kill everyone, hate people to know his name, and make knives appear out of nowhere and why would anyone think that is a good thing?). I can understand you wanting to wait on some of these things, but I was just feeling a bitÖlost and I, as a reader, do not like to feel that way for very long.
Not sure if I understand your magic system yet, but I would actually be willing to wait on that one. I just would like more character and setting at this point.
Iím also wondering why Raven is still around if he is some well known killing machine that has been to many interrogating rooms? Wouldnít someone wise up and kill him while they could before he goes on another spree?
Alright, I think I got all the major things I noticed, so thatís it from me. Nice work, and Iíll see you guys in the next segment. (Very clever of you to set up two accounts so you can push your book out fasterÖ why didnít I think of that? ;) )
« Last Edit: December 29, 2008, 11:18:45 AM by Frog »
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Chaos

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Re: Ascension, Chapters 1 & 2 - 12/19/08
« Reply #4 on: December 29, 2008, 11:24:36 AM »
Well, actually after this one, I will be going back to my normal Scepter of Infinity submissions and Suke shall submit Ascension from now on.
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Frog

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Re: Ascension, Chapters 1 & 2 - 12/19/08
« Reply #5 on: December 29, 2008, 03:45:28 PM »
Yeah, I kinda figured as much. That was just my poor attempt at humor. Won't happen again. Actually, it will, but hey at least you are forewarned now.  :)
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wcarter4

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Re: Ascension, Chapters 1 & 2 - 12/19/08
« Reply #6 on: December 29, 2008, 05:10:46 PM »
Well, I can definitely see some good world building and the beginnings of a very good magic system in this story.
For Raven I have to ask is he supposed to be insane? His thoughts are repetitive and somewhat circular and he has the emotional range of a tea spoon. These are all real, classic examples of insanity.

The other two however seem one-dimensional and their speech patterns are just as repetitive. You might consider changing a bit Illena is smug and Valan is a whiner seems to be the entire p0int of chapter one as it currently stands.

On to minor grammar nit-picking:
He smiled as the guards, armed in mere rifles, stormed the hall. (armed in mere rifles? with?)

Illena uses the word "dare" twice in the paragraph about lightning bolts too close together (consider changing)

Well I'm interested. I cant wait for the next instalment.
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Reaves

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Re: Ascension, Chapters 1 & 2 - 12/19/08
« Reply #7 on: December 29, 2008, 07:51:06 PM »
I don't think I received this. Can you please try sending it again?
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RJF: "AHA! You fell victim to one of the classic blunders! The most famous is never get involved in a land war in Cairhien, but only slightly less well-known is this: never go in against a warder when he is only the distraction! Get him Rand! Buzzzzzzz!

Chaos

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Re: Ascension, Chapters 1 & 2 - 12/19/08
« Reply #8 on: December 29, 2008, 07:57:26 PM »
I resent it to you, Reaves. Hopefully it works this time.
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Reaves

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Re: Ascension, Chapters 1 & 2 - 12/19/08
« Reply #9 on: December 29, 2008, 09:00:38 PM »
got it! thanks! now for the review.

I'll just write down my thoughts as I'm reading, its seemed to work pretty well so far.

So I hope that Raven is not the protagonist. He already annoys me. Maybe if you try to...not get into his head more, just make him seem a bit more sympathetic. Why does he only feel anger? Why does he want to kill everyone?

Also, it seems kind've weird that he only realizes he isn't tied up halfway through the interrogation.

Also, I'm guessing that Raven's magic has to do with anger and Illena's magic has to do with peace and serenity? But it seems a bit strange to describe her as serene. It just seems out of place, what with the smirks and such as someone has already mentioned.

Also, question: how do you pronounce Illena? Is it Ill-lay-nah or Ill-yay-nah? Or something totally different...

Also, wow you like chaos don't you! Illena says it like five different times "we need chaos for this plan to work" and also I think in your Scepter of Infinity story the magic had something to do with chaos...

Pretty good dialogue between Illena and Valan. I like it.

The magic seems really complicated: Gaias, scions, etc. Plus the fact that Illena can choose to use around twenty-five essences? I hope you explain it well and slowly.

Back to Raven. I don't really like how it says,
Quote
Killing such a large quantity of people in the span of a few moments drained his strength immensely. Each kill took a little more from him, and Raven probably killed at least fifty men...
It sounds just a bit too much like "My mana just went down." Maybe you can phrase it differently?
And then it just gets worse:
Quote
only way for Raven to recoup his strength was to wait.
he is sitting outside of combat to recharge. Bleh.
Oh cool, a trenchcoat. I love trenchcoats.
While I don't like Raven, I love the magic system. Fueling it with your emotions... 8) nice. And standing on a hovering black disc...can you say cool?


Now that I look this over, it seems pretty critical. But I really did like the story, I just hope you'll introduce a different protagonist. Looks to be an interesting world and interesting magic system. Keep it up!
Quote from: VegasDev
RJF: "AHA! You fell victim to one of the classic blunders! The most famous is never get involved in a land war in Cairhien, but only slightly less well-known is this: never go in against a warder when he is only the distraction! Get him Rand! Buzzzzzzz!

Chaos

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Re: Ascension, Chapters 1 & 2 - 12/19/08
« Reply #10 on: December 29, 2008, 09:29:44 PM »
Quote
Also, question: how do you pronounce Illena? Is it Ill-lay-nah or Ill-yay-nah? Or something totally different...

Ill-lay-nah seems correct. Though... Ill-yay-nah? I did not think a "yay" syllable was even possible with that name, lol.

Quote
Also, wow you like chaos don't you! Illena says it like five different times "we need chaos for this plan to work" and also I think in your Scepter of Infinity story the magic had something to do with chaos...

Haha, true. But here Illena is talking about disorder in the normal sense. Scepter of Infinity has it as a magical concept.

Quote
The magic seems really complicated: Gaias, scions, etc. Plus the fact that Illena can choose to use around twenty-five essences? I hope you explain it well and slowly.

It's deep. Don't let it get to you too much. Explaining it fully will take a long, long time.

And as for Raven, I do see all of your comments about him, but I'm deliberately ignoring them. I think it's best to wait a while (if just let those questions be) and let things run their course.
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Reaves

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Re: Ascension, Chapters 1 & 2 - 12/19/08
« Reply #11 on: December 29, 2008, 09:39:01 PM »
Quote
Also, question: how do you pronounce Illena? Is it Ill-lay-nah or Ill-yay-nah? Or something totally different...

Ill-lay-nah seems correct. Though... Ill-yay-nah? I did not think a "yay" syllable was even possible with that name, lol.

too much spanish class...it does things to you.
Quote from: VegasDev
RJF: "AHA! You fell victim to one of the classic blunders! The most famous is never get involved in a land war in Cairhien, but only slightly less well-known is this: never go in against a warder when he is only the distraction! Get him Rand! Buzzzzzzz!

Chaos

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Re: Ascension, Chapters 1 & 2 - 12/19/08
« Reply #12 on: December 29, 2008, 09:41:45 PM »
I know the Spanish, but if you did it that way it should be "Ee-yay-nah", without the L sounds.

If it makes you feel better, I usually pronounce Illena "I-LEE-nah". The other pronunciation is more correct though.
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Reaves

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Re: Ascension, Chapters 1 & 2 - 12/19/08
« Reply #13 on: January 04, 2009, 05:35:56 AM »
Aha! Now I know why I thought it was pronounced that way! I was thinking of Ilyena, Lews Therin's wife from the WOT.
Quote from: VegasDev
RJF: "AHA! You fell victim to one of the classic blunders! The most famous is never get involved in a land war in Cairhien, but only slightly less well-known is this: never go in against a warder when he is only the distraction! Get him Rand! Buzzzzzzz!

Hayley

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Re: Ascension, Chapters 1 & 2 - 12/19/08
« Reply #14 on: January 05, 2009, 03:11:27 AM »
Hey hey! Made it at last! Apologies for the lateness.

Well... this Raven guy's not a happy character, is he?

One of the first things I picked up is that you use the word 'enraged' an awful lot in your first couple of pages...

Liked the way you flit between him being in the room, him leaving the room..... and then you stay with the two UU people inside the room, but then go straight to Raven outside the building again. Interesting that you didn't show the battle, but then I guess it would have been much of the same as with the two inside the room.. and they pretty much predicted what would happen anyway.

So... yeah! :)
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