Dec 1st, 08 - Birthright - Prologue

[Dangerbutton]

So, ignore the top left corner where I have the name and date and so on for when I turned it in as my final project in Creative Writing... I uh, forgot to remove that...

[Necroben]

While the magic appears to be original, the name Scriptomancy is really rather close to Michael Stackpole’s Cartomancy, and seems to share some elements.

It could be the length, but I’m really not into the character yet, nor can I say much more on other things, as they might be resolved with further reading.

All in all the story is an interesting one (in the way you have presented it).

[jjb]

Opposite to Necro, I thought the story was long enough to get me into the character. I'm actually worried about the feuds between the houses and how that will affect their defense in the possible invasion.

I loved the magic system (the writing part, anyhow. I would assume you have more than just the physical and scribing powers.), though I haven't read Stackpole so I don't know whether it's copycat or not.

I didn't see many plot holes and the way the characters interacted was realistic. The only problem I saw was when he was writing on paper, it commanded the desk to shoot forward. It seems to me like only the paper would have shot forward since he were writing directly on the armchair when it shot away.

The fact that he heard bullets and the barging in of Rogers and his gang gave me a Pirates of the Caribbean-like feel. Not necessarily the pirates, but the time period.

[Reaves]

Wow that was pretty intense. I'm impressed.

With some of it though, I think you could let the reader figure it out instead of spoon-feeding. For example you said something along the lines of "because he had written sloppily, the chair moved sloppily." Instead say something like, "he scribbled a quick line on the chair and it moved sloppily to comply." Once we see this happen a couple times later on in the book, we'll figure it out.

Also towards the beginning it seemed like both Edwyn and Rogers were talking about something they already knew.

You’re aware of this, no doubt. Zheng Wii, and his whole army, have been camped in our old Homeland for four months now. It is only a matter of time before they march southward and fall upon our land.” Edwyn paused for a moment, looked up, and stared Rogers in the eyes. “Our annihilation will be ensured so much more easily if Zheng Wii can catch us quarreling amongst ourselves. Is that what the Archelaines want?”

Again its kind've like you are spoon-feeding the reader. These two men already know the army is there.

I really like the idea for the magic system. Very cool. You have a very interesting world set out as well. And you grabbed my attention right away! I want to keep on reading.

[WEKM]

I like the take on the magic system, I think it's rather original, and you seem to have thought it out.

I enjoyed it as a read, but I have yet to know which side I am supposed to be rooting for, that is a good thing for a prologue. I find myself desperately wanting more and that is just what you want, to keep the reader reading.

[Karl]

Nice intro! Certainly grabbed my attention and makes me eager for more.

The only think I balked at was the word 'scriptomancy.' Sounds too made up, like Bowl-O-Rama. The concept is great, you just need to find a better name for it.

I hesitated on the word 'Clansmen', trying not to think of Klansmen. But then thought more of Scottish clans, which is where I think you were intending to go.

Perhaps unintended humor: the enemy general Zheng Wii, the inventor of the famous game platform?!? Might consider a change to a homonym like Wui.

Second chuckle came with the horrified curse 'He's a Scholar!' Yes, the pen is mightier than the sword! It's almost like saying 'Stand back folks! He's an Actuarial! He has statistical tables, and he knows how to use them!!" I think it was an inadvertent bit of humor, and I'd almost rather you left it it.

I have naught else to say but to keep writing more.

[Manyang]

It was an intriguing intro and I could be persuaded to read more of the story. The world itself seems alive and in motion, this is clearly part of something greater.

The magicsystem reminded me a bit of Elantris, especially the contrast between the physical lower birthright and the scholarly higher birthright. For me this only resulted in giving it a familiar feel and a strong expectancy in terms of limitations and possibilities.
The setting for me turned out French colonial for some reason, somewhere between pirates of the Caribbean and the man in the iron mask.

You could scratch the first sentence. The second one has stronger imagery (and scratch the word ‘own’ while you’re at it)

Because you’d already named Edwyn, I first assumed the second and third paragraphs introduced new characters. I was happy with just the name, his age and status become apparent through the story itself.

I agree with the comment on spoonfeeding a bit much. You have a slight tendency to tell us what you’ve just shown.

The armchair bursts into flames first and is then hurled against the desk.

Having him cock an eyebrow and then mentioning it was no surprise they new his surname makes him appear a bit thick. As though he only realised after cocking that brow.

Although I think it makes a great image to have him sit there writing at gunpoint, I can’t help but wonder why nobody even contemplated the possibility of him being a scholar. Surely if they know who he is, and where to find him, they’d be briefed on any magical abilities their target might possess.

A hand has about 20 odd bones in it, breaking it can be done in many ways, simply using crushed would leave a stronger image.

The implication that Edwyn got it all wrong in the end is a bit negated by the fact that they just murdered his household and are willing to torture him. Whoever they work for isn’t likely to be a friend.

In the last paragraph you’re showing us a face, but I’m not sure whose it is. Rogers was angry and Edwyn wouldn’t be able to see his own facial features without a mirror.

[Hayley]

I really liked it!

Love the character of Edwyn already, and how the way he seems to remain really calm in the first instance. It looks like it irriates Rogers a lot more. In a way, Edwyn reminds me a lot of Gandalf from LOTR... could just hear his voice as I was reading for some reason.

Interested in knowing what's written in the letter that took so much work to get out of that room.

Also liked the idea of the pen running out of ink on page 5. Leaves the reader wondering if he'll be able to get out of the situation after he can't use his magic any more.

All in all, looking forward to the next part

-H

[Dangerbutton]

Wow, thanks a ton for all this feedback! This is a big help. As you point out little things here and there, it leads to me noticing even more tune-ups the piece needs. I haven't had input from a writing group for a good four years, so this is definitely much appreciated.
Oh, and I'm glad so many of you got a colonial, or pirates of the Caribbean feel from the setting. That's what I was going for, partially.

[Silk]

I think some of my comments might be repeat from the discussion but I'm too lazy to go back and edit my comments. Other than what I say below I don't think I have anything I particularly want to agree with or disagree with from the comments:

You have an interesting contrast going on in the first paragraph – this could be made a lot more effective, I think, if you did a bit more showing instead of telling. We know that he’s unfazed by bullets hitting the doors, and that there are people dying outside… but we’re left to imagine what the sounds outside are like, and what his reactions (or perhaps nonreactions) to the situation are. Giving us more show versus tell would both sharpen the contrast and make the opening just generally more engaging.

You’re also throwing a lot of description of Edwyn at us right off. Knowing very specifically what he looks like is fine, but I think it’s also fine to spread those details out. As long as we have one or two details of his personal appearance to cling to, we can find out more as we go. You could probably also be a bit sneakier about the way you include some of those descriptions, instead of telling us “the middle aged man did this” or whatever.

You mention one of the Clansmen being surprised at Edywn’s calm greeting to them, but they’ve already come bursting into the room and seen him totally unperturbed by the fact that nearly a dozen men with guns have killed his bodyguards, broken into his house, and are now pointing guns at him. It seems a little inconsistent. Similarly, when Edwyn’s told he’s going with the Clansmen, Edwyn raises an eyebrow at the use of his surname, and then goes on to say that it’s no surprise they know his surname.

I’m not too sure what the Wingroves have to do with Edwyn. I think it would be good to know fairly soon.

Nice way to introduce magic. I do wonder how commonly known Edwyn’s ability is. These soldiers seem fairly seasoned, so if Edwyn’s ability is widely known, then it seems like a novice mistake for them to ignore what he’s writing. Or even to let him continue writing. (Later: Okay, they didn’t know that Edwyn was a scholar. Depending on how common this ability is, or how common it is in a certain class of people, or whatever, it still might be a newbie mistake. But I’m much more willing to let it slide by this way.)

I’m trying to decide if you tell us too much when you tell us Rogers has the Lesser Birthright. I think everything you’ve told us would be good to know, but I’m wondering how appropriate the stuff after “He had the Lesser Birthright” is in the middle of a heated action scene. Still, though, it didn’t bug me very much. 

I like that Edwyn’s not infallible, that he was so certain of himself and ends up being wrong. Manyang makes a point, in that whoever came knocking probably wasn't a friend, but I don't think that means that Edwyn couldn't have been wrong about whatever was going on... One does wonder about the armed men and lethal force if Rogers wasn't expecting that much resistance, though, which his words seem to imply...

[wcarter4]

Well I'm interested. I agree that the name of Edwyn's magic system could be changed, maybe just shorting it to the power of script? The exchange where he shows surprise at Rogers knowing his surname can be taken out completely since there's no reason for him to be surprised that the man knows whose house he is sieging in the first place.
I definitely want to hear more about the Birthrights and did I catch a mention of it possibly being part of a religion in one of Edwyn's comments?

[Dangerbutton]

I agree that the name of Edwyn's magic system could be changed, maybe just shorting it to the power of script?

With the names for the magic system, I've really had some trouble making decisions on it. Scriptomancy was just going to be one branch of the Birthright, and there were several others. My problem has been that I want to have, in the names, a reflection of what the power does. Unfortunately, some of those just sound silly when put into a name. One of them, Cartomancy, has apparently already been taken
 Here's what I have:
Scriptomancy - Based on writing, as seen in this prologue. I'm also considering the name Verbalmancy, as the more important part of it is the words.
Cartomancy - Based on maps. The marks you make on a map correspond with magical effects that take place at that location.
Illustratomancy - I definitely wanna find a better name for that... It's based on drawing creatures that then come to life.
Soulchemy - Mixing passions and emotions with magical components to get wacky cool effects.
Vitalchemy - Mixing attributes of living creatures with magical components.
Fatalchemy - Mixing events that have already happened with magical components to get them to happen again in a wacky cool way. The name was originally Fatechemy, because it fit better with what it does, but it just sounded terrible.
So, those are the names of the Higher Birthrights, and I'm struggling to figure out a better way to refer to them. I actually think I like the idea of shortening it, like wcarter4 suggested, to "the Power of Script" or "The Chemistry of Fate", or things like that, but I'm also wanting a shorter name for each the magic types that could be used as slang. With a name like 'The Power of Script', it wouldn't take long for people to come up with a shorter nickname.

Perhaps unintended humor: the enemy general Zheng Wii, the inventor of the famous game platform?!? Might consider a change to a homonym like Wui.

Second chuckle came with the horrified curse 'He's a Scholar!' Yes, the pen is mightier than the sword! It's almost like saying 'Stand back folks! He's an Actuarial! He has statistical tables, and he knows how to use them!!" I think it was an inadvertent bit of humor, and I'd almost rather you left it it.

Actually, I went with the spelling "Wii" because I knew that it was, at least, a real word. However, if "Wui" makes the same sound, then I may just have to go with that.

As far as the Scholar  bit, I actually felt the same way about that line. I may actually change it to something that specifies that he is a Scriptomancer. They actually knew he was Scholar (someone with the Higher Birthright), but they didn't expect him to be a Scriptomancer. More behind that will be explained later. However, I'm making some minor changes in the text to make it more clear as to what they were expecting.

Well, I'm done rambling. Thanks so much, everyone, for your input. This is really helping.

[Karl]

I would avoid attaching common words with "-omancy" on the end. The suffix is from the Greek, so the other part of the word needs to be something that would fit equally with it. And "-chemy" is not a suffix at all. Using a dictionary and thesaurus would help.

How about the old French for script, "escrit-" which would give you "escritomancy." Sound cool, and is just obscure enough to sound real.

"Fateomancy?" How about "destinomancy?" I looked up "kismet" but that is a Turkish word. Nonetheless, "kismetomancy" almost sounds cool.

"Soulchemy" is right out! Sounds too much like "sole-chemy," the art of doing things by yourself and seeing what magic happens!! As much as we say "write about what you know' that would be too much information!!!

Keeping with the Greek, you would be okay to use "psychomancy", the manipulation of the Psyche. The name does give other conotations, such as possibly controlling sanity. But that just gives you something to play with.

[Silk]

...

Karl, the next time I need help naming anything, I'm asking you first.

[Karl]

Sadly, I read dictionaries when I was young...

... oh, and studied Latin...

... you'd think I could spell, however...