Critique this

[Reaves]

I greatly appreciate everyone's thoughts and inputs. Thank you so much for sharing your impressions! However I am removing this excerpt from the boards because I have heard that publishers often don't like to look at stuff that has already been on the net.

[Necroben]

Let me start by saying that I like it.  It’s interesting, what seems to be the beginnings of a magic sys are intriguing, and for the most part, it flows well.  But...

1:  Sun+hammer(to me)=desert
2:  Fresh air and breeze?  Boinked my thought of it being a desert
3:  Finally, with the crystal, what is it?  Maybe more description.  Alternatively, maybe a different name than crystal, it’s not like any crystal I've heard of, and that rather throws me off.  Is it a geode, with crystal inside?  What is the cocoon, and why is it there?

The story itself is appealing, and I look forward to other posts you might put up if you continue with this story.

[Reaves]

thank you for your thoughts, this is exactly the stuff i need to know to make it better

[Necroben]

All right, I like the way it flows, and the characters are interesting, but I keep wanting to call Aermyst; Amethyst, especially with the reference to crystals.

Other than that, I don't see any glaring problems with Setting or Character. 

[Skar]

I am intrigued and would have kept reading were it a book.  The descriptions of the world feel pretty solid, though I would have liked a bit more detail on just how they were jumping down from the tower and less info-dump description on what it's like when crystalhearts fight. Let us see that when it happens.

I have a real problem with Ves.  I think he's supposed to be the bad guy but IMO you've overplayed him.  As portrayed, with the screaming and the egomania, I have a hard time believing that he's never been beaten senseless and deposed or simply locked up as a nutjob.

I'm also a little confused about the 'war.'  Ves seems to think it's a pretty big deal and this is supported by the fact that Dantes and Aermyst are out doing his bidding, hunting for more materiel to fight the war with but at the same time, they don't even really think about the war they're involved in at all until they're in Ves' presence and then they act like he's a nut for being concerned with the war at all and refer to it as 'one war or another'.  Is the war a big deal or not?

[Reaves]

First of all I have always heard the worst thing you can do when you respond to suggestions is defend yourself so I'll try my hardest not to do so
However where it is a clear comprehension issue I'll go ahead.

alright well I totally agree with you as far as the info dump. As far as Ves goes i can see i definitely need to explain him a bit more. Its supposed to be set in a post-apocalyptic type world so all the various factions are fighting over whats left after the centuries, thus the "various wars."

As far as bridge-jumping goes I'll admit i was worried about how many readers would understand all of that. Basically the crystalhearts can fly. You're supposed to think Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon or better yet, Final Fantasy. If you don't know what I am talking about check this vid out http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cUqmtHWo32U   
In fact, even if you do know what i am talking about watch the vid anyway because it is Just That Cool. the pertinent part ends around 6:30. Just try to get past the rather lame dialogue spoken in incredibly awesome voices.