Author Topic: Things I am no longer allowed to do while Role Playing PT 1  (Read 3460 times)

GITMachine

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Things I am no longer allowed to do while Role Playing PT 1
« on: March 15, 2008, 07:43:52 AM »
Found this on the web awhile ago (sorry don't have the link or I'd post to give credit).
Anyway, I thought some hardcore gamers might get a laugh or two out of it.
Would love to read more if anyone has some.  :)

THINGS I AM NO LONGER ALLOWED TO DO WHILE RPG'ING:

I cannot yell "FREEBIRD" every time the bard makes a perform roll.

I may not derail the adventure for a two hour in-character discussion on the qualities of rope.

Anything the DM has to ponder the full impact of for more than a minute is forbidden.

I cannot get emotionally attached to any generic nondescript unnamed NPC.

I cannot gradually describe my character more and more until it's obvious I'm describing Burt Reynolds in Cannonball Run.

My life long nemesis is not allowed to be the unsuspecting cleric sitting across the table from me.

The monk's official title is Brother of the Lotus Path. Not the Slap Happy Jappy.

My monk's battle cry is not "Round 1: Fight!"

It is not ok to use 10,000 rounds to kill two sentries.

If I can fit my head down the gun's barrel, I can assume it doesn't have the non-lethal option.

If I have to 'ho out' myself and/or a fellow pc to afford it, I can't have that gun.

We will not implement any battle plan that includes the underlined words "And hope they miss a lot"

Whether it's fair or not, my thief will not insist we take turns checking for traps.

If, after a night of heavy drinking, the party wakes to find a chariot upside down in a fountain, I'd better not be the prime, usual or only suspect.

My monk's lips must be in sync.

My thief's battle cry is not "Run And Live"

Nor is it "You take care of the orcs, I take care of the traps"

Victory laps after killing the dragon with my 1d2 bow is considered in poor taste.

My warrior cleric will not pick his deity solely on the god's BAB.

I will not convince the entire party to play Amish for the cyberpunk campaign.

If an NPC is known as the "One" I cannot volunteer to be the "Two".

A full minute of stunned silence means "My God what did you do?" not "Please continue."

I will stop snickering every time the monk announces he's touching someone with his quivering palm.

Paladins are immune to STDs, but if I take advantage of this ability, I lose it. Wonderful paradox, isn't it?

Every time a PC takes himself out through his own stupidity does not give me the right to sing the Oompa-Loompa song.

I can't have a magic item I can't request with a straight face.

My fighter cannot take the flaw: Addiction - stabbing things

When deciding what to do with the ancient alien artifacts we discovered,  EBAY is not an option.

There may not be a Mr. "of Arc", but no, I still can't hit on her.

Burning my bard song on CD and putting it on repeat does not mean the effect never ends.

We do not settle disputes in Paper-Rock-Scissors with games of Vampire.

Even if infinitely useful, absolute power over elastics is not an appropriate super power.

No paraphrasing the party leader's elaborate plan as 'pick somebody you don't like and let them know it.'

My doctor's bag will contain more than just a bone saw and a bottle of whiskey.

Check the door means to listen at it, not put several rounds through it.

When a virgin sacrifice is demanded I will not look knowingly at the paladin, netrunner or Hermetic.

We can't all play bards just to relive our favorite Spinal Tap moments.

I will not make my castle's halls 9x9x9' to keep out gelatinious cubes.

I will not cast Darkness at the Magic Missle

When the guy is at -9 hp, it is not acceptable to make him convert to my religion before I heal him.

I can not insinuate that all elf chicks are easy, even though you never hear about a half-gnome, do you?

I am not allowed to repeat the phrase ""How much war could a Warforged forge if a Warforged could forge war?"

I will not say "I am one with the twig," every time I successfully pass a hide check.

I am not allowed to carry a 10-ft pole with me everywhere just so I can say "I wouldn't touch that with my 10 ft pole!"

I am no longer allowed to role-play all dwarves as Scottish, Vikings, or Russians. Nor any combination there of.

I am now required to have an ability score of at least 6 in all stats, including those I deem "useless."

Regardless of its plausibility, my Half Orc is not on a Professional Gnome Tossing/Punting/Bowling Team.

Gnomes are not food, unless my subtype is Undead.

I am no longer allowed to play characters with the Undead subtype.

The following are not acceptable choices for the Profession Skill: Pimp, Prostitute, Village Idiot, Curmudgeon, Drunk.

I am required to be able to speak, read, or write at least one language.

Gold is not an acceptable substitute for a Diplomacy check, regardless of how much of  it I have.

I'm not allowed to play the victory tune from any videogame each time we win a fight.

When playing superhero games I am no longer allowed to create hobo heroes like Bumrush and Dr. Derelict.

I cannot name my dire boar mount Harley.

No matter how sanctified my character is, he does not urinate holy water.

When investigating evil cultists I am not allowed to just torch the decrepit mansion from the outside.

I'm no longer allowed to utter the phrase "I mettle, therefore I am." before I do something that the rest of the party has strongly advised against.

I will not let the Manticore out of his cage, just because he asks nicely.

I will not name my animal companion/familiar the same name as the DM's real life pet, and then make fun of it's name.

I am no longer allowed to orbital strike the enemy capitol with meteors from on high, even if it is technically feasible and especially if the accuracy is on the order of  continents, and I insist on trying until I get it right.

I may no longer say "Hello, my name is Luke Skywalker. You killed my father. Prepare to die".

Nobody is allowed to be Cookie the Gay Wookie anymore, because that was just wrong on many levels.

I am no longer allowed to catapult flaming dwarves.

I am no longer allowed to catapult flaming balls of poop.

I am no longer allowed to catapult trolls.

I am no longer allowed close to, near, or around catapults of any kind

I am not allowed to rub the monk's head for luck.

When one person forgets to buy rations offering to eat the sexy female half-elf is not our first option.

I may nail every single female party member except for the elf chick played by that creepy guy.

I am forbidden from replacing anything with Folger's crystals to see if they notice.

I am neither the pagan god nor goddess of fertility.

I cannot name my character Xagyg or any anagram thereof.

I am not directly descended from either Huey Lewis or any member of the News.

There are no rules for cooking 'gnome dogs' in any d20 supplement.

A starting character has no need for 100gp worth of hemp rope.

I cannot use a silent feat enabling power word stun and blame it on the dog.

I no longer allowed to polymorph anyone into Abe Vigoda.

A one man band is not an appropriate bard instrument.

Plan B is not automatically twice as much gunpowder as Plan A.

When surrendering I am to hand the sword over HILT first.

Drow are not good eating.

Polka is not appropriate marching music.

There is no such thing as a Gnomish Pygmy War Rhino.

The backup trap handler is not whoever has the most HP at the time.

I am not allowed to base any Droid off any character played by Joe Pesci.

I am not allowed to convince the entire party to play R2 units.

Gnomes do not have the racial ability 'impromptu kickstand'.

No longer allowed to set nazi propaganda music to a snappy disco beat.

No longer allowed to apply 3 bottles of nair to our wookie party member as he sleeps.

The elf is restricted to decaf for the rest of the adventure.

No longer allowed to use the time machine for booty calls.

My bard does not know how to play Inna Godda Davida on maracas.

Can no longer pimp out other party members without their prior consent.

Before facing the dragon, I am not allowed to glaze the elf.

In the middle of a black op I cannot ask a guard to validate parking.

Expended ammunition is not a business expense.

Not allowed to short sheet the bedroll of impotent deities.

I am not allowed to do anything I saw Han Solo do once.

There is no Summon Bimbo spell.

There is no Kung Fu manuever called "McGuire Swings For Bleachers"

There is no 'annoy' setting on a phasor.

There is more to wizardry than magic missile. Even if I can do 200 damage automatic with no save.


GITMachine

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Things I am no longer allowed to do while Role Playing PT 2
« Reply #1 on: March 15, 2008, 07:44:13 AM »
I am not allowed any artistic license while translating.

I am not allowed to translate any language while wearing ballet slippers and pantomiming  it using interpretive dance.

I'm just not allowed to translate. Period.

When accepting a challenge for a duel, I must allow the other guy time to find a weapon.

A picture of my ex-wife is not an acceptable backup weapon.

My gnome does not like big butts and he can lie.

My bard does not get a bonus to perform if she is obviously not wearing anything under her tabard.

The elf's name is not Legolam.

A wet towel does not constitute an improvised weapon.

The name of my weapon shop is not "Bloodbath and Beyond"

I cannot base my ancient kung fu master on either Gene Simmons or Bluto Blutarski.

I must not put the Thunder God on the spot again.

I am not authorized to start any civil engineering project on the taxpayer's dime.

I am not allowed to pave ANYTHING. EVER.

No, I do not get XP for every single crewman on that Star Destroyer.

If the gun can't fit through the x-ray machine, it doesn't go on the plane.

My Droid is not allowed to paraphrase any Jack Nicholson soliloquy.

The Demilich only falls for getting stuffed in the bag of holding once.

My musical instrument does not double as a personal flotation device.

I will pick a more traditional paladin weapon instead of a sledgehammer.

Not allowed to kill another party member with a boomerang again.

The paladin's alignment is not Lawful Anal.

I cannot insert the words "Kill Phil, Sorry Phil" into any list of instructions.

Polka Dot Gnomes exist only in my mind.

Not allowed to name my ship The Antidisestablishmentarianism.

Not allowed to bet how many times the lich bounces.

There is no such feat called "Death Blossom"

My acrobat cannot balance on the warlord's head for more than one round.

I cannot demand payment in electrum, backrubs or bubblewrap.

I do not have a scorching case of lycanthropy.

My bard is required to take levels in the perform skill and cannot 'just play by ear'.

There is no such thing as pleather armor, and no matter how much Nu-Vynyl(tm) you apply to it, this will not help when going through the carwash.

I cannot go back in time to cut in line at the Declaration of Independence so everybody now is asked for their Terrence E. Woczinski when signing documents.

There is no Gnomish Deathgrip, and even if there was, it wouldn't involve tongs.

Looting the unguarded baggage train is not considered a glorious victory.

Not allowed to create recreational drugs in suppository format.

Airlocks do not double as trash disposals.

I will not load any Gatling weapon with nothing but paint rounds.

I cannot name a character anything that I can't say politely in another country.

Character descriptions may not contain two of the following words: Slavic, Tonedeaf, Karaoke, Musician.

The following weapons are not legal choices in a duel: Steamroller, Nerve Gas, Landmine, Midget.

My Paladin's heraldry is not a smiley face.

If at any point my dwarf takes on the mannerisms of Macho Man Randy Savage, he dies.

No matter my alignment, organizing halfling pit fights is a violation.

In formal introductions to royalty, I must not introduce my companions as "oh...these are my lowly henchmen"

Troll bubblegum...bad idea.

I cannot use my time machine to hire Hitler a hooker in 1920, thus avoiding WW2.

Not allowed to spontaneously check if the elf can take a punch.

I am not allowed to do anything that would make a Sith Lord cry.

My character has no need for 24,000 cartons of cigarettes, especially in his neighbor's garage.

Cannot use the jedi mind trick to get out of a speeding ticket.

Cannot cast haste on the king during a long winded speech to get him to hurry the hell up.

I will not keep selling that creepy guy's always naked elf chick to nomads every chance I get.

If the king rewards me with a forest, I am to assume he intends for me to keep it a forest.

There is no Halfling god of groin shots.

If a black op requires me to impersonate an employee, I cannot bill the target for overtime.

Superfluous Man is not a viable superhero concept.

I can not order the Druid to "transform" and "roll out".

The following cleric domains do not exist: Wet T-Shirts, Atheism, Keggers.

I cannot wish "Nobody else gets wishes. Ever."

My Highlander Barbarian's name cannot be McHammer or McLovin.

I cannot use the time machine to go to Ancient Greece where all the women were leather clad, oiled down and had big bosoms.

It is assumed my mechwarrior knows at least what one of the buttons in his cockpit does.

Tracheotomies are best left to characters with skills in medicine.

No matter how smart I make my animal companion, he still can't take the tax accountant skill.

I cannot commune with the Gods during peak hours.

My half-ogre cannot surprise the halflings with spontaneous games of dodgeball.

My half-oger may no longer USE halflings as dodgeballs.

Even if laughter is the best medicine, it still doesn't restore any of my HP.

I have been assured with total certainty Ralph is not a Japanese name.

No character of mine can start with 400 previous convictions for any misdemeanor.

My character does not have the flaw Addiction: Helium.

I cannot take all the monsters I've killed to the taxidermist after the adventure.

Clowns shoes have no place in a dungeon crawl.

"Sprechen Sie Bang-Bang?" is not real German.

I do not get any XP for anyone I kill by stampeding sheep.

I cannot cast invisibility on random household items like car keys, tea sets and toilets.

My gnome cannot increase his movement rate by asking for piggyback rides everywhere.

Even if he was a paragon of humanity in his alternate dimension, Good Hitler is not an appropriate superhero concept.

I am not allowed to decide which one of us is the Chosen One.

I cannot keep my phaser on disintegrate just because it's the coolest setting.

Not allowed to spoil the plot by simply removing the hinges on the door.

The Halfling Paladin does not represent the Lollipop Guild.

Even if the rules allow it, I cannot control 20,000 pigeons and use them as flying piranha.

Any character named El Robotico Jiraffe del Fuego is begging to be vetoed.

I must remember that royalty do not share the same love of parody and interpretive dance as my bard.

I don't have weapon proficiency in elf, either.

Power Word: Beer Me is not a real spell.

Tricking the party into killing each other off and then turning in their corpses for the bounty is frowned upon.

I cannot disassemble a car in under 5 minutes.

I am to avoid killing, upstaging or seducing historical characters.

Female minotaurs do not have udders. This issue is closed.

My teleporter cannot stop the alien invasion with just the law of displacement, laws of motion, and a huge freakin' asteroid.

No thinking up new, creative and fun uses for cursed items.

It is generally bad form for the queen to see my nipples.

I am not to combine the advantage Fearless and the disadvantage Curious in the same character again.

My barbarian must remember that 'human shield' is a figure of speech.

My character is required to have a minimum wisdom of 10, that way I have no excuses.

I can cannot give my character the moniker "Tim the Barbarian". Especially since he's a bard.

I am to stop asking the elf to put a good word in for me with Santa.

I cannot use the ventriloquism skill to convice the fighter his new sword is a magical talking one.

The titles "Viking" and "Obstretrician" are mutually exclusive.

Pursue means chase after, not just make called ranged shots to the knees.

My character's background must be more in depth than a montage of U2 lyrics.

A starting paladin has no conceivable use for industrial lubricant.

I am forbidden to see if halflings or gnomes bounce higher.

If the light spell expires, there is to be no setting the dwarf's beard on fire.

No matter what popular media says, harpoons are not proper ninja weapons.

No matter how many people I need to feed, I will not use low yield nuclear weaponry to fish.

The first rule of Finnegan school is not "Do not talk about Finnegan school".

I will not blow all my starting funds on hookers and booze.

If the NPC is on the cover of the rulebook, I probably can't take him in a one on one fight.

It is bad form to attack a god while he's monologuing.

My archmage will not join a party running Keep on the Borderlands as a ringer.

I will not substitute accuracy with enthusiasm.

Steel toe boots do not add to my AC.

Spankings generally will not change evil alignments.

I cannot liven up the adventure with snappy musical numbers. Even if they did it on the TV show.

Chainsaws and butter churns filled with bees do not make use of the same weapon skill.

I will never create a plan that first hinges on the invention of velcro.

Cannot put anything featuring Calvin and Hobbes on my starfighter.

Never again will I convince a player to keep a character nicknamed "Stumpy McLunger"

No bribing the DM with snacks or alcoholic beverages so he'll go easy on us.

Even if my cleric has the domains of Wealth and Healing doesn't give me the right to start an HMO.

From now on my Bard will refrain from dancing the Can-Can in public.

The ability to afflict everyone in 150' with herpes is not an acceptable super power.

I am forbidden from trying to merge the best features of automatic weapons and manual transmissions.

There is an upper limit on the number of people a bullet will go through.

When told to be subtle, playing a foul mouthed, chain smoking junk yard squirrel is not a good choice.

Zombies are not infectious in D&D. So I should stop shooting PCs in the head if they are bitten.

I will not attempt to unionize the brutes.

When told to distract the villainess, they didn't mean with a surprise marriage proposal.

I cannot start the campaign conjoined to another character.

Not allowed to convince the entire party to base the group only off Gary Oldman characters.

I will not redefine the term 'trapdoor'.

No staking a vampire with anything larger than his chest cavity.

Styrofoam is not an appropriate component for the creation of golems.

I may not put my familiar up for stud.

I did not invent the wet tabard contest.

No matter how tough the encounter was, I will keep the congratulatory ass slapping to a minimum.

If my Faith is 4 and your Faith is 2, that doesn't mean Jesus loves me twice as much.

I will not use a time machine to invade Germany on September 2, 1939 by surprise, thereby securing the Dutch domination of Europe.

No supplying my own canned applause.

There is no 'accidentally' slipping a Smite Evil into a pillow fight.

3rd Watch is not clothing optional.

1st Watch is not for accordion practice.

I'd better have a real good excuse for being a necromancer if I'm lawful good.

Tasha's Uncontrollably Hideous Sister is not a real spell.

When my cleric is told to "Buff the Elf", I know exactly what it means and may not miscontrue it in any way.