Local Authors > Writing Group
The Horror
The Holy Saint, Grand High Poobah, Master of Monkeys, Ehlers:
Ok, Gemm, anything specific you want us to comment on with your story?
Gemm: Rock & Roll Star; Born to Rock:
Right right. I know the beginning sucks, so any pointers on how to up the ante there. And just overall comments about it I guess.
The Holy Saint, Grand High Poobah, Master of Monkeys, Ehlers:
well, it's not finished, but I think you know that.
As for the opening, I think I'd just cut out the first three paragraphs and insert the necessary info later in the story (i'm not sure if any of those three are necessary unless the rumors are important to the plot). It stands by itself that he's heading home from the theater, I don't think we need a description of the countryside, and you can describe him as you go.
which is my other main critique. I can't see what's happening well enough. Describe for me the characters and settings a little better. Also describe Jones' (is that his real name) internal reactions.
You've got a good start on the feeling I think you're looking for. I can definitely see it coming, but tighter descriptions will drive it home.
Gemm: Rock & Roll Star; Born to Rock:
Well, I want him to be nameless. Thats why the Dr. "gives" him a name. Plus I also want to start a scary rumor around college of a madman. Yes, I know it isn't finished, I was rushed by another Mad Dr. to finish it uncreatively.
The reason the first few paragraphs are as, is because I was trying to just write a simple thing for Jeffe's contest. Then I decided to just write a story about it instead.
Fellfrosch:
Why do you want him to be nameless? Its a cool idea, but I need a good reason in order to accept it.
Also, as a story, we need some explanation of Neumann's motives.
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