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Peks 4

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The Holy Saint, Grand High Poobah, Master of Monkeys, Ehlers:
Ok, this chapter is the longest so far, I think at all, lots of things happen.

you meet Caval. Tell me what you think about him.

i need to work out some details about the swimming hole scene.

I'm happy with the events at the festival, though I'm very unhappy with some of my pacing and a lot of my verbage. Console/condemn me on these points.

Are the legal points of Grwnd's judgements clear?

Mistress of Darkness:
Caval: Big hairy dog. I'm not quite sure what you are planning to do with him. But I'm assuming that I will find out.

Swimming hole scene: I have no idea why they jumped in with their clothes on. Obviously, in early spring, the clothes aren't going to dry before they need to get dressed again. As children of such harsh winters I think they would know that. And what was Isbeth doing there? That seems a little strange. What was your reasoning?

Festival: I think polishing up the verbiage will help you fix the pacing. The thing I noticed in reading the chapter was that you tend to restate things, or insert unnecessarily sentences (ie they say what the reader will have already surmised). I printed this chapter out and notice that it was easier for me to make editing suggestions. I'll type them in and email them to you.

Legal points: Perfectly, though your characterization of the ambassador (?) was unclear.

The Holy Saint, Grand High Poobah, Master of Monkeys, Ehlers:
A lot of this I'm playing DA to get you to explain more. Of course, we didn't have a conversation on this, so many others may agree with you. I'm just trying to find out. I'm not trying to invalidate yoru comments, I'm just explaining what I think. Please, please try to prove me wrong

Caval: big hairy, MYSTICAL dog. He hangs around for a long time, don't worry. He's not jsut a device for this chapter.

They jump in with the clothes on because they ARE children. They let their enthusiasm overcome their good sense. Of course they know better. That doesn't mean they'll chose it. Just like I know my time is better spent pecking out jsut a few words or writing even than it is playing video games, but I still do. ANd I'm 30. These guys are just 12.

Why doesn't it make sense that Isbeth shows up? She's just taking a walk near her home. She's not planning on swimming, just walking in the woods.

I tried to be vague with the initial impressions of where most people's loyalties were. The ambassadors aren't any different. I assume the lead ambassador (Judilek) is the one confusing you. His anger and kindness do seem contradictory. The reason why is explained in the next chapter, however.

Mistress of Darkness:
This is probably DA, because I can be like that. ::)

Caval: Fine mystical. Whatever. Don't you think there's enough mystical stuff going on already? Why should I care about any more?

On the other hand, I thought it was a great way to show that Peks "knows" stuff, but after this blatant realization and acceptance by Peks you're going to have to convince me later that Peks tries to ignore/deny it.

Swimming: I remain unconvinced of their youthful zeal. I did not get the feeling that they were that excited.

Isbeth: Then you need to make that a whole lot more evident. Isbeth peeking through the bushes makes it look like she's looking for Peks and Birge specifically, and why she would look for them at a pool commonly used for bathing is beyond me. If she's really taking a walk, have her see them as she crosses the bridge or something. Also, I have a hard time believing she'd be allowed to go out walking, since the festival has started or is about to. Especially with her perfect hair and dress. You can trust me on this, dressing a girl up takes forever, she's probably still having her hair fussed with when all of this happens.

Judilek: No the anger/kindness didn't bother me. It was Peks reaction to him. The part where Jud offers to let Peks say goodbye to his mum and Peks looks up into his eyes. I had very little idea what you were trying to portray.

The Holy Saint, Grand High Poobah, Master of Monkeys, Ehlers:
Caval: i though that it was evident in how he's discussed. He's not just a stray they pick up. He was intended to be Birge's pet (Peks says this). ANd Peks knows it somehow. So Caval is obviously connected somehow.

Swimming: the laughing and the jumping and splashing didn't show excitement? The waking up early and talking all the time about a festival?

Isbeth: She's a country girl and breaks with her father often. She slipped out. But I will rethink her path. Or at least make it clear that it's more of a swimming hole being co-opted for bathing.

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