Fear and Doubt

[Fellfrosch]

Actually Mustard, if all writers stopped writing when they didn't like their work, we'd still have plenty of Asimov to go around.

[Oldie Black Witch]

Janci, remind me to print out this thread and make you read it whenever you feel like you should quit again.

Sheesh. Now I want to participate in NaNoWriMo. Darned law school apps. Darned classes. Darned everything.

[MsFish]

Quit again?  I still haven't unquit from the last time I quit.  I don't want to write anymore.  

Sadly, I'm in the middle of this writing class.  I was supposed to submit today, but I didn't, for various psychotic reasons.  

I'm thinking about dropping.  I mean, what's the point of taking the class if I quit?

I'm in a positive mood today, can't you tell?

[The Holy Saint, Grand High Poobah, Master of Monkeys, Ehlers]

WRITE DARN YOU WRITE!
have you READ my stuff? I mean, really. Just write it out.  Get it down. You have something you want to say. Just do a rough draft. I don't want to see anything polished. Just get it down.

[MsFish]

No, I don't believe I've read your stuff.  Even if I DID write, how would you see it?  Why do you care?

Okay, that was harsh.  I'm losing my sanity, and when I get into the advanced stages I lose my self-edit that says 'be nice to people' or 'don't say that, that's mean.'  The real me is a very nice, positive person, I swear.  Just ask Brenna.  The crazy me is less so.  

That said--I'm thinking maybe this NMWMRMO thing might be a good idea.  (Yes, I realize that's not the acronym, but I don't remember what the acronym is, and I'm too lazy to look it up.  You get the point.  Does *anyone* actually remember that acronym without looking it up?  It's out of control, kind of like me.  And I love that I'm venting all of this online.  I'm going to regret this later, and I don't care.)  I mean, what I miss about writing is how *fun* it used to be.  It was my escape.  Now it's one more way for me to beat up on myself.  Goodness knows, I don't need one more way to do that.  I want to write, but I want it to be fun again.  

Arg!  Sometimes I just want to scream, but I'm sitting ina computer lab right now, so it's probably not the time or the place.  The counseling center ought to have sound proof booths for such things.  

[The Holy Saint, Grand High Poobah, Master of Monkeys, Ehlers]

wow. That's your mean phase? You're a pushover seriously, if that's the worst you get, you apparently can't offend me.

I care because you're human, you obviously want to write, but you're selling yourself short. I want you to write because it will help you. Write because you like it and it makes you feel better. Don't write because you're seeking perfection.

[MsFish]

Okay, so I'm nice.  

Even when I'm mean, I'm nice.  

Sue me.  

The problem is, I'm a perfectionist.  What's worth doing, is worth doing right, right?  "Do what you do with all of your might; things done by halves are never done right."  

I don't enjoy it anymore.  Doesn't that mean it's about time to quit?  It's impossible to do something well that you don't enjoy, or at least, you'd do it better if you did enjoy it.  I used to be better, when I enjoyed writing.  

[Skar]

If you can't enjoy it because you can't do it perfectly you may as well go find a handy speeding bus to step in front of.  Honestly.  You don't even breathe perfectly I bet.  Why don't you stop that too?

If someone who wants to write doesn't that's, by definition, worse than if they scrawled some really bad melodramatic crap.  So, if you want to write, write, damn the torpedoes and do it.  If you don't want to write stop complaining about it and tell your friends that if they don't stop pestering you about it you'll... you'll... say really mean things to them and later beat them severely.  But above all, if you really don't want to write, stop complaining where I can hear you.  You're single, you're in school, and you have friends who want to support you in your writing.

Try doing it with a wife, three kids, a full time job, a house and the only contact with friends who think you're anything but a little nutty for writing  being online.

You've got it easy missy.  

Of course we all know you really want to write.  This is just a kind of pep talk.  I expect at least SE and I to get a 1500 - 5000 word short story from you by the 5th of November. I'm sure there are others on the forum who might like to get a copy as well. Expect it to be brutally critiqued with lots of suggestions.  If you choose not to accept your assignment I will think of something suitably horrible in retribution.

[stacer]

If you're on a downward spiral, the surest way to speed up the process is to give up something you really do enjoy because you're not enjoying it at the moment. People with severe depression exacerbate that depression when they stop doing the things that they enjoy. You become listless, say you don't have the energy to do it, and feel guilty that you didn't do it, so tell yourself you wouldn't have enjoyed it anyway, that nothing feels good anymore.

If you're in a similar rut (whether it's depression or not), seriously, DO NOT stop writing if it's something you've enjoyed when you didn't feel this way. Keep it up, and you'll find that if you keep at it, eventually--perhaps after a long time--you'll feel better. Even if all you're putting on the paper right now is really really bad, it will lead to better ideas, better stories, later. And you'll feel like you've endured without losing it entirely, even if it was pure schlock all the way through the ordeal.

[The Holy Saint, Grand High Poobah, Master of Monkeys, Ehlers]

The problem is, I'm a perfectionist.  What's worth doing, is worth doing right, right?  "Do what you do with all of your might; things done by halves are never done right."  

I'll see your well intentioned but misdirected quote and raise it by three, or maybe four:

the sarcastic They Might Be Giants with "THere's only one thing that I know how to do well, and I've always been told that you only can do what you how to do well." How obviously false. Again, how do you get to do it well? You do it poorly a lot. TMBG means it sarcastically. There's lots of things you can do, like whistling in the dark. I suspect that your writing is not crap, but neither is it perfect. Probably, like most of us, you're in the middle somewhere.

"I don't like this air, but that doesn't mean I'll stop breathing it. " Built to Spill. Mostly I just love that song. But it's also relevant. Just because it's not amazing right now, doesn't mean it's not better to keep doing it. What's the alternative living in obscurity without having tried? No thanks. keep trying, or be nothing.

Now i'm gonna get scriptural on you. "Do not run faster than you have strength." Are you strong enough to be a perfect writer? No, not yet. But the context of Benjamin's admonition clearly tells us that we DO need to run. We're just not expected to run faster than we can. it means, quite literally, that God doesn't expect your writing to be perfect, how arrogant of you to expect it of yourself. By the same lines we have the "be ye therefore perfect" commandment. The Savior didn't mean be perfect this instant. He knew that wasn't really possible. He meant it as a goal. It IS something you can eventually do. Probably in the next life. But you can get there. But first you have to be crap. "Then I saw through a glass, darkly." "milk before meat." Right (attribute those to St. Paul)? you HAVE to start off being bad. that's how you get good. He will make weaknesses strength (Ether told us that, but it's a paraphrase, not a quote). But only if you exercise them.

Last of all, you have a talent. you're proposing to hide it. The guy who hid his talent got thrown out. The guys who went out and risked losing their talent rather than hiding it doubled their talents, and then were rewarded with EVERYTHING. Another paraphrase, from Jesus this time: if you use your skill (your writing), your writing will gradually get better (line upon line, here a little, there a little, it's exactly what writing is). If you don't write, however, it'll be completely taken away, along with other beautiful things in your life. You can't stand still in this world. You either move forward, or you fall behind.

[MsFish]

If you can't enjoy it because you can't do it perfectly you may as well go find a handy speeding bus to step in front of.  Honestly.  You don't even breathe perfectly I bet.  Why don't you stop that too?

Tempting.

But above all, if you really don't want to write, stop complaining where I can hear you.  You're single, you're in school, and you have friends who want to support you in your writing.

Try doing it with a wife, three kids, a full time job, a house and the only contact with friends who think you're anything but a little nutty for writing  being online.

You've got it easy missy.  

Yeah, that's my life, easy.  You pegged it.  

You don't even know me.  Don't tell me I have it easy.  

Of course we all know you really want to write.  This is just a kind of pep talk.  I expect at least SE and I to get a 1500 - 5000 word short story from you by the 5th of November. I'm sure there are others on the forum who might like to get a copy as well. Expect it to be brutally critiqued with lots of suggestions.  If you choose not to accept your assignment I will think of something suitably horrible in retribution.

Hmph.  Why would you want to read anything I wrote?  

[The Holy Saint, Grand High Poobah, Master of Monkeys, Ehlers]

by the way, your quote doesn't mean that you shouldn't try if you're no good. It means that you have to put all you can into it.

[The Holy Saint, Grand High Poobah, Master of Monkeys, Ehlers]

Yeah, that's my life, easy.  You pegged it.  

You don't even know me.  Don't tell me I have it easy.

More to the point, you obviously don't know the alternatives. It does sound like you may have some depression, but several of us here suffer from that. Including myself. I think it's funny how many people think their problems are unique. This idea only serves to stop you from enjoying life even more. Other people can an will help.

Hmph.  Why would you want to read anything I wrote?  

Because I'm pretty sure I'll enjoy it. and if I don't, I can tell you what you can do to make it more enjoyable. Either way I get to participate in the creative process. Creating something is the best part of life. It's really sad to think you're throwing that away.

[MsFish]

I'm aware that I'm not unique.  I just don't appreciate the whole--let me tell you how much harder my life is than yours--thing.  It's my belief that everyone's life is about as hard as everyone else's life, just at different times and in different ways.  There are exceptions to this, I'm sure, but in general I think it's true.  That's all I was saying.  

And the sad thing is, I don't think anyone can help.  Sure, people want to help.  People try to help.  But there's nothing they can do, and it frustrates them as much as it does me.  

It's not my intention to throw my talents away, or however you want to put it.  I'm so out of control at this point that I'm not even sure what I'm doing, besides sabatoging everything good in my life.  I think it's interesting that the writing was the first thing to go.  

[Oldie Black Witch]

There's an old axiom: "If something is worth doing, it's worth doing badly."

(And don't forget that the next lines to the TMBG song is "And that's Be You; be what you're like. Be like yourself." And if you'd rather be whistling in the dark, that's okay too.)

One of my biggest struggles has been to overcome my perfectionism and just get things done. Having a husband who is cluttered and disorganized by nature has helped . . . but not until after some truly agonizing and almost break-point moments. Having three kids that make messes for fun has also made me realize that sometimes it's more important to just get something done (like dinner, or a diaper change, or doing the dishes, or writing a note to my son's teacher, or having the towels all folded and put away) than to have it done as perfectly as possible.

The full quote is actually "If something is worth doing, it is worth doing it badly to begin with than to not do it at all." When I had postpartum depression I got absolutely no help from anybody. I was alone in an area where the ward couldn't care less (literally) and I decided in my numbness to try to do something that I remembered that I liked to do. So I started writing again. I suppose technically I started to plan to write again, but eventually, even though it wasn't easy, I began to feel again.  But you've already heard this lecture.

Nothing is supposed to be perfect at first. Projects only become good through practice and revision. They only become perfect through lots of practice and revision.

What do you remember wanting to do when you were feeling better? Decide to work on your goals in that direction. What do you remember enjoying when you felt better? Keep doing that, even though you won't enjoy it for a while. It could be basket weaving. It could be writing. It could be whistling Dixie. Just do it. Eventually the feelings will come back.

And do me a favor? Don't abandon me at TLE like that! If you don't let me give you a ride home, I'll have to let SE send his ninja monkeys out to kidnap you. Or, if they're busy, I'll let my three monkeys do the job.