ALCATRAZ Rewrite Done (Spoilers)

[EUOL]

This is mostly for Stacer and Ms. Fish, who helped a lot with this particular revision.  Just thought I'd let you know the changes that I made, based on your reccomendations:

Joshua,

Alcatraz rewrite is done.  This is a good one--I think I finally have things finished.  And, I hope that your concerns about the book are now resolved.

Here is a small list of changes I've made to the text.  I'll put the book itself into the mail today or tomorrow, along with the contracts that I still have.

Alcatraz Revision 6.0
*   I figured that "Inner World" an "Outer World" were too confusing.  A lot of readers couldn't keep them straight.  So, now they are "The Free Kingdoms" for the continents we Americans don't know about and "Bibliovania" for the nations controlled by the Librarians.
*      I heightened the tension a bit at the beginning of the book, as Joshua asked.  I think the particular problem was that I never established that there was a time requirement on getting the Sands back.  So, I mentioned in a couple of places that smelting the Sands of Rashid into Lenses would only take a few hours, and after that it would be too late--the Librarians would have a dangerous weapon.  I think this makes the story more tense.
*      I made Alcatraz and Bastille fifteen, instead of fourteen, based on recommendations from people who know more about YA than I do.  
*      I've weakened (slightly) Alcatraz's understanding of why forces his foster parents to abandon him.  That way, when he discovers that he drives people away intentionally, it's a stronger climax.  

[stacer]

Sounds good, EUOL. So you decided to specifically target a YA audience, then? I'd be interested in seeing the first few chapters again sometime and seeing how they feel different. The feel for a YA is different from a feel for a middle grade, and the first few chapters, at least, felt very MG before, but perhaps changing his self-awareness might have taken care of that.

[MsFish]

Awesome, EUOL!  Best of luck getting it picked up!  That book really does deserve to be published.  It's hilarious.

[EUOL]

Joshua isn't to fond of "Bibliovania".  I kind of like it, but I did come up with it quickly.  Either of you (or anyone else) have responses?

[Tekiel]

It took me three tries to figure out how it could be pronounced (biblovia . . . bilbovania . . .)  Maybe something that doesn't sound like a biography (or bible, depending on a person's background).  

I'm excited to see all the changes to the story.  I only read the first draft of it, so a LOT has changed since then.  But with this book I'd like to wait and read it as a book, rather than on the computer.

[stacer]

I didn't like it too much either, but was in a hurry this afternoon to finish a proof and forgot to mention it. I thought it was too much like "bibliomania."

You need something original, like Spiderwick is original--it's a common word (spider) spiced up. It needs to sound catchy. (I just went through this with my own search for a name for a series.) So, you're on the right track, but "biblio" is too obvious for me. What's "book" in Korean? You might want to play with that.

[MsFish]

Korean?  It doesn't feel like that would fit in at all.  

Another romance language, maybe.  

Since one is "The Free Kingdoms," maybe something that suggests that the other kingdoms are being information controlled...

I'll have to think about it.  

[stacer]

I was just suggesting it as something to play with. But you're right, a Romance language would be better.

[The Holy Saint, Grand High Poobah, Master of Monkeys, Ehlers]

The Datacrocy of Librins.

[Nessa]

Since one is "The Free Kingdoms," maybe something that suggests that the other kingdoms are being information controlled...

Propogandia

In China, in the heyday of the communists, they actually had a "Ministry of Propoganda", which for us westerners would be bizarre.

[CtrlZed]

the Librocacy (Lie-BROCK-osy)
Behind the Iron Bookshelf
Shushvya or Shushnya (to sound like Chechnya), could also play on this same line with the word Hush.  Hushvya/ Hushnya

[stacer]

Ooo! I like Shushnya.

[Shrain]

Yes, yes. Shushnya or Hushnya are awesome.

[MsFish]

Shushnya and Hushnya are awesome.  Those sound kind of Russian to me though (being a non-speaker) and that has political connotations.  

I like the term "Iron Bookshelf" a lot, but it has political connotations too.

I've been wracking my brain, but I think my creative juices are all dried up today.

[Parker]

In light of the current protests happening around the world, why not really be "edgy" and call it Muslimania or Islamica?  Then again, you could go the "anti-American" route and call it Bushisdumbia, Americasucksnya, or We'llwiretapwhoeverwegoshdarnpleasia.

I'm great with names. Need any more suggestions?