We played Tank Girl again on Sunday: three outcasts vs. a whole army of bikers. We were holed up in the very last 7-11 on planet Earth. As we were all writing up our last will and testaments, this old guy in a service apron just pops up from behind the counter asking "May I help you" and just freaks the hell out of us. Mags lets loose with a spray of bullets that takes out the slushee machine before calming down. The old guy, an Australian aborigine, says he is the last employee and Keeper of the Sacred Stash. The bikers outside start firing burning arrows into the wall and it is only a matter of time before the store catches fire. Bull finds a display of spinach cans, pops one open, and guzzles it down. The Popeye music plays loudly as Bull roars for the doors to be flung open so he can engage the enemy. Mags opens the door as Bull charges. He takes a flaming arrow in the leg and starts hollering "CLOSE THE DOOR!!!" He slumps down by the magazine rack and pulls the arrow out. He sees behind the rack a long-dessicated skeleton of a little guy with huge forearms dressed in a sailor suit, peppered with a dozen arrows. Guess it didn't work so well for him either.
The bikers surround the 7-11 and begin to set up chain-guns and assault weaponry. Bull and Hanzo get up on the roof and begin picking a few bikers off using shotguns. When they run out of shells, they use stale Twinkies. Mags opens the mail slot and begins firing through that. There are just too many of them. Finally we come up with a plan. We search the refrigeration unit and discover that it holds only a single coke and pepsi bottle. We disconnect the unit and wheel it to the front door so they can all see. Then we turn our guns on the unit. "Let us out of here, or the last bottles of coke and pepsi on planet Earth get it!" They get all wide-eyed and tell us "don't go and do anything crazy now." We slowly open the front door and walk out, holding guns to the unit as we go, and all the bikers part like the Red Sea. When we get to the lip of the valley we turn and notice they are all getting ready to attack us if we don't return their precious soda. Mags kicks the unit down the ledge and it splinters onto the rocky ground, shattering the bottles and sending coka and pepsi everywhere. We hear the mournful wails of the bikers as they try in vain to sop up the remains of the liquid. "Oh, Pepsi, you were too good for this world!" Oh, Coke, we should have appreciated you more when you were still with us. Now it's too late, too laaaaate!"
The last scene of the story has our three heroes sitting in a bar in a dusty little bordertown, haggling over who gets the world's last Slim Jim. Mags was the one who took it from the store before we left, but Hanzo says it was his idea and Bull says he needs meat in order to stay sharp and keep his testosterone up. All three leap up from the table and draw their guns, pointing them at each other's heads like in A Better Tomorrow.
Well, it was a fun ride, and we were smart enough not to take it too seriously. Since we still had some time to kill, we started making up new Lord of the Rings characters! So far the ones we have for certain are a lore-master researching the secrets of the Shadow, a hobbit woman who can drink dwarves and orcs under the table, a woman of Rhun who was once a harem guard in the home of a wealthy man, and the last dwarf in Middle-Earth. Out of thr remaining three, one will likely also be a Hobbit, one a rogue of some sort, and one wants to be something "weird," but hasn't figured out what yet.
