Timewaster's Guide Archive

I liked this chapter quite a bit. I liked how Albione reacted to the Priestess-it felt a lot more natural here than in the last chapter, because unlike Charom, Albione doesn't see the Priestess every day. I didn't have a problem with the switch in his reactions taking place after the fight- I can see him so deep in fight the Night Elves mode that he doesn't get awestruck by the Priestess until the tension subsides.

The later parts of the chapter were for me the most interesting segments of story so far, the mystery that is brought up of whether Sir Ferris was in league wit the attackers or situation just happened to work out in a way that made it seem suspicious. And of course the end, where we learn who Albione saved, and what problems it could cause (or fix, as the case may be).

My only complaints were that Albione, like everyone last chapter, was shocked at the idea that the Night Elves would come after the Priestess-it seems obvious that they would, and also that we learn at the end that what Albione did, losing the knight he was assigned to, while saving a Militia man, is really bad, but I have no idea why, and why I should be concerned. Maybe if something about that was added in at some point earlier, such as the first chapter-not so much, but a few details- so we get a sense of how important his duty was and why his actions were problematic.

But the interaction between him and Sir Ferris was very good, and fits well with the setting you've established so far, though I'm not sure why everyone would be staring at him afterward. They all wouldn't know that he saved Benda at the cost of his knight's life, would they? Or is the fact that he saved the man's life shocking enough that everyone started staring?

I realize that everyone has said this, but the adding a viewpoint only to kill off the character felt really pointless.

I also would question why everyone is so shocked that the Night Elves came for the Priestess. She seems to be one of the most important people in the city, if not the most important. It seems obvious that they would come after her, and as such it feels a little silly when the priests voice their shock.

Again, the fight scenes were good and enjoyable, especially the last one.

And I would echo some of the other concerns people had, such as why it was important for Albione to run to warn the temple if they were warned through other means, and that the magic needs a little more something. Hubay and MannyBranpan's suggestions would definitely help to fix that problem.

One final minor issue is I felt like Charom spent too much time commenting on the High Priestess. Assuming he's seen her quite a few times before, being part of her guards, it felt a bit off for him to keep awed, and comment on her every aspect.

As I mentioned in the email, I'm glad to finally be back to a point where I should be able to submit(and give feedback) regularly-chapter 5 is already ready for next week, and hopefully I will keep the pace up.

I'll repost here the note I put in the air about the description of the Felinaris:

One brief note: As was noted in comments on chapter 2 (and by my other readers) I didn’t do quite as good a job as I could have in describing the Felinaris as a species. As such, and since the reader would know how they look by this point, I am including a brief physical description of the species. (Which should also help those who have not read chapter 2).

Brief description of the Felinaris as a species: They are essentially humanoid cats, especially their heads, which are almost identical to that of a cat in shape, and they have a tail. Their hands are five-fingered and clawed. They are digitigrades (as are cats), and their leg shape is closer to that of the hind legs of cats than a human’s.


About this chapter on it's own; it's meant to be a fun, lighthearted chapter, both to advance the characters and to provide a break between  the necessarily dry, early Darkclaw chapters.

Any and all feedback is welcome!

Sorry to double post, but I had a quick question, and since editing my last post wouldn't notify anyone that the thread had new content...

So regarding your problem with Sirat not caring, do you think it would fix the problem in this chapter if I make him less apathetic and more 'I just want to be left alone'? Part of what I wanted to show about him was just that, that he wants to live his life apart from a war that is pointless, in his opinion.

That way he would have a motivation while still maintaining his lack of care about the different  armies.

Thanks for the feedback.

I would agree that I could trim the beginning down somewhat. I wrote this now because I needed writing for a class, and I had a page count I meant to hit, so I'm sure I overinflated some parts. 

And thanks for the notes about the catapults. When I wrote the chapter I didn't spend too much time researching, so I just made up the reload times. Should be easy enough to change now though.

I plan to write more of this at some point, though once I have time again I'll probably spend more time on my other story while I outline this story and worldbuild more. Although, I have found that I write this much faster than I write my other story, (possibly because this was technically for school, or because I don't feel the need for this to be perfect right now-I wrote the last 13 pages in a few hours) so I would not rule out another chapter or two springing out one day while I'm taking a break from my other story.

I don't have much more to add here that I didn't put in the email, except a quick apology for the length, which probably does nothing here...

I hope you enjoyed and I eagerly anticipate feedback!

I was just wondering if anyone knew of any good writing exercises that would allow me to work on an aspect of writing while still writing something that would still be submittable to a fiction workshop class. (I need to hand in more pages, but I think too big for short fiction/don't want to spend time outlining a story that will end up rushed and probably bad.)

The only one I can think of as an example right now is the dialog one that Brandon Sanderson talked about on his Facebook a while back, (the dialog one, which Writing Excuses subsequently devoted two episodes to, and I am currently having fun doing now).

I'll take any suggestions, as long as it allows for some sort of cohesive narrative to be written in addition to whatever it's designed to help me practice.

Ok, thanks for clarifying. That's kind of how the action will be, at least early on in the story, mostly in order to adhere to the plot. Also, partially because earlier versions had too much emphasis on the action scenes, I decided to tone it down a bit in this draft, and basically use action only when it moves the plot forward.

But don't worry, I don't plan on all the action sequences in the story feeling like this one (though there may be a couple more). The further we get into the story, the more frenetic things will get.