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Messages - MannyBrainpan

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Exactly, that's sorta how I wanted to pace this story, since I am limited on each segment. 
About the villagers, yes, I'm glad you picked up on that, it is one of the references to the magic system.
Yeah, I'm familiar with the baby name technique, not a fan myself, but I have just flipped through a baby name book and gotten some sweet stuff. I usually don't write the name of my story or book, until I have a very clear image of the ending. I like the whole, name-ending tie in idea.

Alright, that clears some stuff up. I will send out the new file, it has my notes in red.

I will send out the edit, all my annotations are in red. And I also agree with one of the other posters, you should slip the description in when Nayassar is describing the male creature and maybe the king. And yeah, what one of the other people said, is what I felt, that the dialogue was a little too, info=dumpy.

I just finished reading chapters 1 & 2 and I like it a lot. My interest is piqued when it comes to the Troodon creatures, their previous life, and their leader (although it seems that you are already showing that he is not quite as might as he appears.) I really liked the dialogue in chapter two. I thought it was really well written, although about halfway through the chapter I felt like it was a little TOO much dialogue. The scene at the end was good too, showing for sure the relationship between the two characters. But after all the description in chapter 1, I sorta felt like you lost all the richness of your writing, and substituted it with dialogue. I don't know if you are trying to slowly give away the body structure and culture of Nayassar and co. but I really had no idea how to picture the creatures. Are they sorta like furry people, or walking cats? Anyway, maybe cut a bit of the talking before the throne room meeting, and throw in some more description when Nayassar is looking in the mirror-- whatever works. If you would like I could email you a version of the story with my annotations in red, for I did notice a few odd sentences and missing words, but overall, really well written. Names? Darkclaw is a really cool name, but I have no idea if he is important or likable enough to name the book after the character.

I have not read your previous chapter (I'm assuming its the prologue.) But it sounds like it was full of action and quite a neat way to start up the storyline. Chapter 1 was good and I want to find out what happened at the Library. I enjoyed the character, although, I would really like to see more description of this steampunk(?) sorta world. Due to the lack of description, I found my self lost in what was going on, particularly toward the beginning. Anyway, it was good, nice worldbuilding, and I REALLY want to know more about your character and why there are no men except for in your main character's head. I did find a LOT of redundancies and if you want I can email you an version with notes on these redundancies. Keep writing though, can't wait to see more.

I just read Chapter 11. As I read it, I forgot that it was not the beginning of a story and had no idea about certain words, so I kept making note that stuff wasn't explained. I liked the chapter though, I don't really know much about the character so it was hard to like him at first, but now I do. Like the previous poster, I found the stable scene to drag. Another thing, in the opening scene when Jin's parents are trying to decide his punishment, you describe the house setup extensively. I REALLY wanted to skip over those bits (but I didn't) and it made me lose interest in the scene. If you were to maybe show that Jin was distracting himself for a while and started looking at the way the house was setup. Also, I don't know who your projected demographic is, but frankly, having topless women in your story often is for a YA novel, which this appears to be. Have you read the Inheritance Cycle, Paolini handles said issue very well. Anyway, I liked the world you have created, it was a little sluggish in places, and I found a fair bit of awkward sentences (some pointed out above.) Anyway, keep writing, and I hope to see the next chapter soon.  And if you would like, I can email you an edited version of your chapter.

I would also have to agree that the sentences are a bit flowery. At points I felt like you were trying so hard to make stuff sound unique, that it was too much. So, maybe cutting little descriptions, and different line editing will help you find your narrative voice.  Anyway, I still liked it.

Thanks for the feedback. Did you all not receive parts 1 & 2? I sent them out last Tuesday, I believe, but I was still getting the formatting kinks out so I might have titled the email wrong. If you would like to read Parts 1 & 2, they can be found on the main page of
I am glad to hear that the story isn't too slow, because I was getting worried. And the fact that there doesn't appear to be a magic system worries me too. Yes, the water is a reference to the magic system. But, I guess it is still too early in the story to say that I need exposition, for I have some explaining of the water and stuff in the next few parts.
And about the lizard being the most important character...well... I can't really say much.
On adding detail, I do need to work on that, but I am trying to keep each part to 500-600 words. But I am not worried about that if I NEED the explanation. In fact, I tend to be long winded, so fitting a good piece of a story in 500 words is a challenge, I would much rather write the same bit in 1000 words.
Once again, thanks for the feedback, I'm mainly just glad that there are others who are reading the story.

I believe the paragraph at the beginning was going to be a chapter recurring thing like in Dune, Mistborn, or The Way of Kings. And, I liked the way it tied in, but maybe, unless you REALLY have a plan to tie in those quotes, I might just put the quote as part of the main character's thoughts. I don't know, maybe that's a bad idea.
-Manny :)

In case you didn't read in the email, I was wondering if the story feels like its padding around too much. I am slowly dropping bits of info about the magic system because I really want to avoid flat out exposition. Other than that, I put in the email some name ideas...just wondering if you all had any name ideas.

I never read your first version, but this was nice start. If this was the first two pages of a book I picked up at a book store, I would probably buy it. But I'm kinda easy going when it comes to fantasy.  I found like three mistakes and put them in read with notes on how to fix them. If you want, I can email the edit to you.

Reading Excuses / Re: 3/7 - jpayne1138 - the witch's child
« on: March 12, 2011, 07:08:02 AM »
I replied your email with the edited version. The edits are minor, but they're there.

Reading Excuses / Re: 3/7 - jpayne1138 - the witch's child
« on: March 11, 2011, 11:20:26 PM »
I would keep it in the third person narrative. I knew Timberlan was the main character, that it was through her point of view, but she was surrounded by four other kids. And yeah, I just thought you said that she had been in the forest just showed that although she was the most mature, she had done stupid stuff.

Reading Excuses / Re: 3/7 - jpayne1138 - the witch's child
« on: March 10, 2011, 08:49:13 PM »
I'll send the file back. And the advice posted above is definitely good. That's a good idea actually. The baby killing Bertram! Love it!
-Manny (

Reading Excuses / Re: 3/7 - jpayne1138 - the witch's child
« on: March 10, 2011, 02:45:55 AM »
I just read your story, and I really like it! There are a few awkward sentences but definitely not as many as I am used to seeing. Also, I think you misuse the word "to" for "too." But this is all minor. I'm assuming you're wanting our opinion on how to finish this story up. Before I tell you my opinion, I am picking up on your story in a sorta Brothers' Grimm mood and feel. And judging by your endings listed below, you want to end with a Brothers' Grimm sorta ending- death. I think that maybe instead of killing the baby (or everyone else), you should consider a big plot twist. You mention Timberlan (by the way, GREAT job on the names) has an aunt who is a "witch." What if you can pick up on that plot line? What if Timberlan's witch-aunt is dead and the baby was hers and Timberlan wants to let it be part of the family, but is shunned...hence her joining the "witch-hood." Because it seems that your version of witches are just sorta smart women who people shun.Or maybe the old lady does kill the baby, because it turns out (Timberlan somehow finds out) that the goblins of the forest are breeding, and it will only be a matter of time before they take over. I am just throwing around ideas for you, take 'em or leave 'em. If this isn't what you had in mind, I can help you, just let me know the sorta direction you wanna go. If you want me to send you a version with the grammar errors in red, I can, just let me know.
-Manny (

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