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Messages - MannyBrainpan

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This was a great chapter. It seemed to reveal a lot and pushed the plot forward while showing that this is a really nice guy forced to live/do awful stuff. I definitely felt sorry for the character. The chapter didn't drag and there were way less typos in this than the previous chapter. If you want I can send you a version with my annotations but really there were only like four things that I marked in red. I have noticed that you really like prepositions, which makes some sentences bulky and I have noticed that you sometimes end sentences with prepositions, which not necessarily wrong, but absolutely awkward. Anyway, I'm interested in both of the characters you have set up right now and I find the reverse male dominance thing interesting too.

Once again, I get what you're saying. I started this whole thing off from as a promotion stunt on Facebook for my site. I had friends fill an adlib and I formed a story (loosely) from that. So when I first started writing this it was gonna be a very self-aware of the story, silly kind of tale. Now, I don't know. I am trying to blend the humor and seriousness more. And yeah, the opening bugged me at first too, so if I do a book, I'll probably change it. Once again, the butcher having so many knives and stuff was part of the more outrageous feel I had at the beginning. And yeah, digometers was supposed to be funny, there was no math behind it. (Thanks for doing the math, though.) I would always just add one. I even went so far (but later cut the gag) of putting, "a few digometers (a few and one meters)" but that kind of humor is really exclusive to the writer and just throws off readers. Thanks for the feedback though.

Yeah, I get what you're saying, seeing as all that I have written is basically only one chapter of a regular book, I don't think it is wrong to keep the magic system a secret. Although I totally understand all of your comments. As soon to be revealed, there is a subtle reason why people get involved, also, I am not sure if I made it clear, but there are few "adults" in this society. So, most are immature and dislike her.
The reason I moved straight to the bath was because of the format, I definitely would NOT do that in a book, but I had to keep the plot moving.
Really, if this was to be a book, which it might be one day, (but right now it is just a free online 500 word serial)... this would be the opening action sequence, you don't know why stuff happens yet. It just does. I don't know maybe I am expecting the reader to go along with what they don't understand, maybe that's a mistake. Let me know if it is, I would change it if I want to compile this into a book.
About the hair color, that is part of the magic of this world, (don't expect anything massive and complex) but right after her thought I state that her hair changed hue as she moved.

Reading Excuses / RE-3/28/11-MannyBrainpan-Untitled Fantasy Serial
« on: March 28, 2011, 04:50:52 PM »
The latest piece, I believe this one is twice as long as the others... I tried to introduce more of Vara's character, and mystery.
Previously, Vara had been talking with Leo, a speaking lizard, who seems to know more than he should. Enjoy!

Sounds good... if you can really hone this sci-fi world into some really original concepts, this could turn out awesome.

What I meant was that the action didn't feel pulse-pounding, it just felt descriptive, because these characters are SO AWESOME, that they don't have competition. But the real thrill came when Darkclaw's coldness was tested.

Reading Excuses / Re: March 21 Hubay Lord Domestic Ch 7
« on: March 23, 2011, 03:14:17 AM »
Please do. I will at least scan through them, just to get familiar with your storyline.

Reading Excuses / Re: March 21 Hubay Lord Domestic Ch 7
« on: March 22, 2011, 09:33:59 PM »
I don't know anything about your world or characters from before, so I was TOTALLY lost on all (five?) characters that went in and out of the chapter, and the magic seems interesting, but of course it isn't clearly defined for me. I would definitely play up the death, maybe the character that is in charge had planned to post guards around the tent, maybe we get to see one last scene where the dead guy hears something moving in the shadows and gets attacked. I don't know, just throwing around stuff here. But I definitely felt like the death was anti-climactic, and I know this is an army sorta feel you're creating, but maybe reserve the swearing for one character that way he feels a bit more colorful, and true-blue classic cussing soldier. Anyway, you definitely need to play up that scary death scene. I liked the bit but I think I would enjoy it more if I knew who all of these characters were. Which brings me to another point, it seems like I lost track of who was talking a lot particularly because so many different people talk in the chapter, maybe its just me.

I'll send it your way soon, and I think I put the too much description in red. The thing about using Darkclaw's chapters for action was that the action was really rather minimal in the chapter, the only thing that REALLY stood out was him threatening the witty scholar. That is something I would try and use, the fact that (like Spock) he doesn't quite understand emotions, particularly mercy or lack thereof.

I would agree with pretty much everything Hubay said. I am still a little lost in this storyline, particularly because you sent a 100 page document along with the new chapter, but that 100 page document didn't have anything to do with Jin or Talvin (who appear to be important characters right now). So, I AM getting the hang of the magic system with the songs and stuff (hence the name Canticle) but anyway, about the chapter at hand. I would agree that the beginning was strangely worded and I was totally lost at some points. Also, there is a sentence that Talvin says concerning his conversation with Chalinae, "She's nothing like I thought she was and I see why you enjoy spending time with her."
For an intellectual, kind of introverted father that I am supposing Talvin to be, this sounds rather simplistic and totally contradictory to his opinion in the previous chapter, I would assume that Talvin would be softening toward her, but wouldn't yet have enough info to make a conclusion, particularly because this girl got Jin in a lot of trouble in chapter 11(?)
Anyway, I do like the characters and the fact that you have a very well thought through world. The culture is interesting, along with the landscapes, and magic system. That being said, I sometimes can't keep track of ALL the fantasy cultures, past stories, or animals. I don't really get the paragraphs at the beginning of each chapter either, is this something that will come into play later on? I saw a few typos here and there, mainly mis-spelled words or missing words. (I know sometimes the red underlines get annoying because you already have so many of your own words mixed in.) And I am also interested to see where you are going with this disembodied voice.
I did notice that Jin is supposed to be ten years old. Are their years longer than ours? Or do they teach their children more in the first ten years of life? Because his thought processes seem a bit accelerated for a ten year old.
Oh, and if you don't want to change that word, "huuk" maybe you should put it in italics to make it obvious it is not an English word. (That goes for a few other-worldly words that you use here and there.)

I would mainly echo LTU, even the sentence he pointed out was one I had made note of. Yeah, I like the way you write, the concept of making the bad guy a pseudo-likable main character. (I am assuming he will go renegade eventually. Sorta like Hrathen in Elantris?) But there is also the Star Trek feel which to me is almost a problem. I really liked the first chapters a whole lot. But now that you are getting into the nitty-gritty of this world, it is feeling a little generic. Not so much the ideas behind it, but just the verbage, "elevator," "laser," "video feed." I know these are lifelines to reality with your reader, but it almost seems like you are putting a cool character into a recycled sci-fi world. I am actually getting a HALO vibe from this, but yeah, just video game sci-fi in general. Really all you have to do is put a twist on their technology, on the verbage, and it will feel fresher to the reader. Anyway, the chapter is a bit long, but it mainly feels that way because I noticed that you are being very realistic, there was only a bit of description I thought over the top. Another problem that I feel could very easily arise with a character like Darkclaw, is that I don't fear for him or the Trodoons. I know they can kick butt, so you are going to have to keep the action pulse-pounding and the concepts interesting. Anyway, I liked the chapter very much and I like your writing style too. If you want me to send you a version with my notes in red again, just let me know.

@LTU, I see what you mean about it being stereotypical. The lizard never says, "I thought you'd like the challenge." He asks her if she didn't enjoy the challenge. I was not aware that this is cliche, but I will from now on. Anyway, I apologize for it being uninteresting, with the whole serial format it makes it harder for my mind to process "Get from A to B." Without getting gummed up or shirking on certain areas (i.e. detailed descriptions and more colorful dialogue). But that is one of the reasons why I am doing this, to practice accomplishing a lot in a small amount of space. Also, this whole story was concocted for my Facebook friends, and then it escalated to this. I do hope that you will continue reading for the more fantasy concepts and stuff like the talking lizard are on their way. But thanks for being honest and reading deep.
@Akoebel, the commas and adverbs are my bane. I have worked and worked but I am getting better, I will try to avoid doing over use of adverbs and commas. And, I had a lot of trouble with that sentence and a few in that piece. They are progressively getting harder to write. I will also be sure to really get you involved in the character, I have been all about the action up until now, and I guess I didn't use the non-action space to my character's advantage. I will address that now that you point that out. Thanks too.

I switched to Courier for my font, that is what I usually write in anyway, and it looks more professional or whatever. Please let me know what you think, I am beginning to introduce more of the secrets...
(If you missed Parts 1-3 just go to

This might be a bad idea, but if you could infuse this first chapter with some more interesting bits of info on this world's awesome engines and stuff, it might make this chapter more interesting, I might be wrong, though. Because, I know you don't want to enter info-dump mode, but when I first read the chapter I thought, that was a lot of pages for not a lot of info about the world...I don't know, maybe it it good, but that is my opinion.
About the mental conversation, I get why you did it, but when I first read it, I was suddenly like, "Wait! When did this character enter the scene?" But yeah, if I am the only one who thought this, then I am totally for the way you do the conversation.

Thanks, yeah,  the whole story started as Facebook stunt kinda thing for my friends to read, so I figured I'd get some feedback in the process, that is why each piece is so short. I see what you mean about those two sentences. Actually, I guess they're kinda redundant. And the mob and the rooftop, will be explained in the next segment, in fact, if I ever adapt this into a full novel, I might add more detail to make her jump a bit more breathtaking.
I never intended for my main character to be the smartest cookie at the beginning, for reasons that will be revealed, and I am writing this sorta like a book, in my mind there would have been quite some time from her going to her tree and then going to bathe. It makes sense what you pointed out, it was just something I had to do when writing the story in short pieces. Also, if you think about it, when you are in a forest, the tiniest animals can make some of the largest rackets. So, that was my thinking behind it, but thank you very much for really reading deep into a tiny piece of writing.

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