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Messages - MannyBrainpan

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Reading Excuses / Re: May 30 - Will77r - Soul Yearning - Chapter 2
« on: June 03, 2011, 05:01:08 PM »
Hubay has a great point. I was wondering what seemed odd about your magic also. He hit the nail on the head. Possibly the warmth of healing spell (prayer?) radiated from his hand, things like that.

Reading Excuses / Re: May 30 - Will77r - Soul Yearning - Chapter 2
« on: June 02, 2011, 03:46:30 AM »
Cool, I'll look forward to the next chapter and see what I can do to help.

Reading Excuses / Re: May 30 - Will77r - Soul Yearning - Chapter 2
« on: June 01, 2011, 05:18:28 PM »
So I'm not gonna lie. I didn't like this chapter as much as the previous, and that- I think- is due largely to the fact that you write from the perspective of three characters in the span of 20 pages. And you have killed two characters that you have introduced in a matter of 20 pages. I'm not saying this is BAD, I just don't get much of a character and therefore don't care much whether he dies in battle or not. The only character, so far, that I want to read more of, is Albione and that is because I want to know how his faith mixes with the fact that he is a warrior. And I think you talked about this with LTU in the previous thread,  you don't necessarily need a ton of fight scenes to catch your readers attention. Yeah, I like the idea of opening the story with a seige on the church-fortress-thing. But, this second chapter doesn't feel quite as dynamic- the High Priestess is cliche (which isn't always a bad thing either), the action is a little bit fuzzier (particularly the part about the elf mage continuing his chant and the red beam that came from one of the elf's), and the whole magic system is really fuzzy to me right now (you seem to use the words "mage" and "priest" interchangeable and I am assuming this is technically Christian fiction so wouldn't the "mage" be the baddie and the "priest" be the good guy like Albione?). Maybe I misunderstood that last bit, but I would really like to see how this spiritual magic system works- are the elves worshipers of your allegorical version of satan? Are the priests called to fight or to heal with the gifts of Alazon (why by the way is quite reminiscent of Aslan)? Also, the part where Charom and the High Priestess go into the Inner Sanctuary (the Holy of Holies?- therefore, wouldn't they be unhappy about their sacred place being defiled?), anyway, the part where they go into the tunnel gets kinda funny- suddenly all of the priests and soldiers are there. Also, if Albione is a priest, how come he is fighting? Beyond that there were a few sentences that had typos, there were a few sentences without periods (but that stuff is trivial right now.)
Wow, looking at this, I kinda cut your stuff down- but I don't mean to. I'm just letting you know some of these things that made this second chapter a bit less dynamic. But I'm still interested in the story and will make the time to read it next week also.

Reading Excuses / Re: May 23 - Will777r - Soul Yearning - Chapter 1
« on: May 26, 2011, 09:22:29 PM »
Sorry, was Ronar the name in your story? I must have misread it, I read it when I was really tired. Sorry.

Reading Excuses / Re: May 23 - Will777r - Soul Yearning - Chapter 1
« on: May 25, 2011, 09:05:14 PM »
Welcome to Reading Excuses! I can only echo what has been said, this is a great opening. It got a little heavy on action, but you felt the battle, so it was good. I am interested to see where this is going for sure. Like you've already addressed, the Night Elf thing feels derivative but that is because of WoW.  Maybe start with the Latin word for night(=nox) and the Latin word for light (=lux), so you might want to start there for your name making process. Also, the name "Roran"  was used in the Inheritance Cycle, which is a more modern work of medieval fantasy fiction, so you might want to change that too. Anyway, great work and I'd love to see more.

Here is part nine. Picks up where the last left off. Vara is having a meeting with Sedgewick who likes to call himself, "The Barbarian of Wicksedge." Like I said, I'm slowing the pace down, and I will send the file out tonight or tomorrow. (I just made the forum topic while I was able to.)

Thanks, I'm not offended or anything. Feedback is what I'm here for, so, I'm keeping on, and yeah I will probably rewrite parts here and there.

Thanks everyone.
@LTU, I'm sorry about hitting all of the cliches. I will fix that. I didn't intend for the Japanese anime cliche, I didn't even think of that. I have noticed that I love to put crazy old men in my stories so I know, the wisdom part is coming. I really need more time to write these, but I just don't have it, so you guys are getting the ROUGH draft.

Sorry I'm late and I haven't been commenting much, life has been busy. Thanks in advance for any feedback. I am slowing the pace down a bit, down to a normal story.

I don't know why I wrote the first paragraph like that...I'll work on it. The leather ladder was a detail I never got to, but I'll add in now. I apologize.
Vara is naive, not stupid. Something that I am working on getting across and might take some revision. I'm glad that you perceived that. That tells me that I need to work on naive, and make it more defined from stupid.
The Barbarian was one of the details I lost, like the leather ladder. Something that I will add back in.
To me, people do lose some self-awareness when they are thinking, maybe that's just me, but that is something I will work on. And the only reason I had her not pay attention was to give a little action in this bit. The format is killing me, but that is how I told my friends I was gonna write it. Thanks very much for the comments though.

Sorry to take so long. I really liked this piece, not as much as last chapter though because it didn't really seem to get much done. For one, Talvin seemed pretty easy on Jin until his sudden decision to send him to the stables. Although the disembodied voice made the chapter worth while. And the Spanish accent in my head is seriously gonna make it funny now. There were a few typos like "he" instead of "the" but that is minor if you are just laying out the story. Anyway, at this point in time, I have absolutely NO confidence in Jin's plan. I'm just letting you know in case you wanted the reader to have confidence in his plan. I like the other commenter, would like to have seen more messing around with the hole in the universe or whatever it is. I am interested in the sparks that come from Jin's hands, very cool. Anyway, thanks for writing, and I might be late on this week's chapter. Sorry.

Okay thanks, I get what you mean, but the story is only ten pages in so the plot hasn't been obvious yet. It is coming in the next part or two.

Thanks, I apologize for not making the threads, I have had some internet connection problems.
@LTU, I am suffering from the format, but I am beginning to write as a whole story and split it up. I am having problems fitting the details. I intend to go back and rework everything soon.
@Akoebel, I am not sure what has changed that disappointed you, could you specify so that I can work on that or make note not to do that again.  About Vara asking Leo to speak, I goofed there, I will cut those two sentences in between.

Wow! I hate reading passive voice, but didn't even think that I was writing it. I see what you mean. I do a lot of correcting passive voice in my Grammar class so I can't forgive myself for these mistakes. Thanks for pointing that out. I am aware that I draw out sentences with commas. Its just what I do and I am much better than I used to be. I will work on that though. Thanks.

Reading Excuses / Re: RE-3/28/11-MannyBrainpan-Untitled Fantasy Serial
« on: March 30, 2011, 03:21:45 PM »
Please send it as a .doc. That would be greatly appreciated. And I am familiar with Schlock Mercenary, I just haven't had enough time to really get into it. I thank you for saying that I need to decide between long and short format while still keeping it interesting, cliffhanger-ish. And as of late, my brain has been fuzzled over this, because you're right, I have been cutting back a whole chapter into a one and a half page serial. So instead, I will begin to write how I want to, and split it into smaller portions, with just enough towards the end to keep it like a serial. Thanks for the comments.  And I hope I can keep the average reader's attention, because the concrete explaining doesn't come till segment after next.

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