Timewaster's Guide Archive

Oh the things I could say to that.....

Sounds to me like they're going for a LDS fantasy author theme.  Yeah, it may seem like blasphemy to some readers, but as a bookseller it makes sense to me.  The idea is to use one author's popularity to get readers hooked on the others so you sell more books.

Yes, I borrowed "Brandonium" from the podcast, but I'm only using it for this exercise.  The finished draft of this novel will have something else in its place.  Yes, it's longer than 3 paragraphs, but there's no way I could do a respectable job and keep it that length.  I also tried to keep the romance elements PG.

Writing prompt:  Start with hard core sci-fi and move to werewolf romance

I’m not your bitch
I braced myself against the Captain’s console as another plasma torpedo struck the port side.  A chorus of groans from both the crew and the ship rang throughout the bridge.  The shields were holding for now, but if we keep taking hits like this, they won’t for much longer. 

“What do you mean we’re out of fuel?   That’s impossible!”

“No, just highly improbable.”  Johnner replied dryly.  How can he be so calm when Baumen pirates are on our tail?

“But Brandonium self replicates!  That’s what made it the perfect fuel for star craft in the first place.  You can’t run out of gas!”

“You can when it’s accidentally jettisoned before warp.”  Johnner answered sheepishly.

“Please tell me you didn’t.”

“I can say it if it makes you feel better, but it would be a lie.”

Another torpedo struck and warning clarions blared to life.  A list of damaged or impaired systems appeared on my console.  The shields are now down to thirty percent and a few minor systems are fried or non-responsive.  “Were you trying get us killed?”

“No, I was trying to jettison the cargo but I accidentally pushed the wrong button.”  Jettisoning the fifty head of cattle in the hold would have been a relief to my nerves and a mess on the Baumen view screens.  It could have given us the few precious seconds we needed to jump into warp.  Too bad Johnner botched it.

“Captain, we’re being hailed.”  Kali called over her shoulder from the com station at the bow.

I schooled my features as best I could before responding.  “Put it on screen.”

An image of the Baumen Captain appeared on screen.  He wore a black shirt that was so tight, it looked like it would rip apart if he breathed wrong.  I could see every ridge and valley of his taught pecs and washboard abs.  Like most Baumen Captains, he kept his dark brown pelt trimmed so close to the skin that it may as well not have been there at all.  It was supposed to make them look more human, but it didn’t quite work. 

I’ve heard rumors that their hair is as soft as silk, but I’ve never been close enough to find out.  I wonder what it feel like to run my hands over all that yummy muscle.  Hmm….No! Stop and focus.  You’re in a crisis and he’s a different species. 
The Bauman are classified as humanoid since all of their parts are arranged in the same manner, but that’s where the similarities end.  Their head is slightly elongated because of the fuzzy pointed ears perched on top.  A short snout, similar to that of a Terran dog, protruded in the front.  Seeing his sharp canines and silver eyes made my heart stutter.  The Captain spoke in low guttural tones, but it was more growl than vowel and was impossible to understand.  “Kali, why is the translator program not working?”

“Working on it, Captain.”  Blast it all!  Why is everyone calm but me?  It took a couple of seconds for Kali’s lightening fingers to get the program working again.  Kali gave me a thumbs up, our signal that a two-way communication link is open.  Throwing all decorum out the window, I interrupted the Bauman Captain.

“You’ll have to repeat everything you just said.  Your torpedoes fried half of our computer.  We just got our translator program back on line.”  All right, I was stretching the truth a bit, but he didn’t need to know that.

His ears perked up a bit.  “A female Captain?”

I whispered to Kali as loud as I dared.  “Is the link audio only?”

Kali spun her seat around to face me and shrugged her shoulders.   “I guess so.”  She whispered back.  Thank the stars for one miracle.

“Yes, I am a female Captain.  You got a problem with that?”

“No problem at all.”  He grinned.  I didn’t know if it was supposed to be disarming or frightening, but it certainly had the latter effect on me.  “I was saying that you are surrounded and it would be in your best interest to surrender.”

“I’d rather not.”  I replied as calmly as I could.

“You do not have much choice since you have already jettisoned your fuel tank.  A curious move, I must admit.”   

“There was a malfuncion.”  I glared at Johnner.  He slumped down in his seat, which made me feel a little better. 
I racked my brain for some clever ploy I could use to finagle our way out of this mess.  A hull breach wouldn’t work.  Their sensors would prove me a liar before I could finish a sentence.  It was hard to think with both my crew and the Bauman Captain staring at me.  It would also be easier if those cursed cattle weren’t making such a ruckus in the hold below me.  I could hear them through the steel bulkhead.  The cattle!  That’s it! 

“Can I interest you in an exchange instead?”

“What sort of an exchange?”

“If you return our fuel tank, we’ll give you the twenty head of cattle in our hold.”

He crossed his arms over his chest and thought it over.  “Thirty head.”

“I don’t have thirty head to…”

“Our sensors say otherwise.”

I leaned back in my seat and muttered a few choice expletives.  It figures they would have bio-scanners.  Pirates always have the tech that honest people like myself can only dream of.  “Twenty-five and not a head more.  I can’t show up with less than half of my shipment and still get paid.”

“You can if you want to arrive at all.”  He replied smugly.

I cursed again.  We’re helpless and he knows it.  Well, it’s time to lay it all on the line.  “Fine.  Shoot us down.”  Johnner and Kali started shouting protests over each other.  I raised my hand to silence them.  “I mean it, Captain.  Twenty-five is my final offer.  Take it, or shoot us down.”

The Baumen Captain threw his head back and made a strange huffing sound.  Is he laughing?  “Deal.  But only if you accompany the cattle aboard.”

Kali looked at me pleadingly.  Johnner stared blankly at his boots.  He knew me well enough to guess my answer.  “Deal.”  I signaled to Kali to cut transmission.

“Captain, you can’t go!”  Kali protested.

“It’s too late now, I’ve already agreed to it.”

Kali turned to Johnner for help.  “Say something!  You can’t just sit there and let her do this.”

Johnner turned back to his console and started lowering the shields for the cargo transfer.  “After we drop shipment, I’ll plot a course for Red Star 6.  We’ll wait for you there.”  Kali started shouting some rather nasty things at him.  I took the opportunity to sneak out of the bridge.  I had preparations of my own to make.
         
An hour later I exited my cabin armed to the teeth.  There was a lazer pistol strapped to each thigh, a ceramic knife at the small of my back, another inside my right boot, a mini EMP in my coat pocket, and my lucky headband.  I hoped that I wouldn’t need any of them, but there was no way I was going to set foot on a pirate vessel unprepared.
Johnner met me in the corridor outside the cargo bay.  “Kali is just about finished re-installing the fuel tank and the first ten steer are nearly through.”

“Good.  Don’t give them any more.”  He raised an eyebrow at me.  “I’m going to try to pull a crazy rabbit.”

 “Look, I’m sorry for screwing up, but you don’t need to pull a stupid stunt like this to get back at me!”

“This is the best chance we have of salvaging this run.  If I’m not back in ten minutes, break seal and burn starlight.” 

“Aye, Captain.” He said quietly.  I turned to go but Johnner caught my arm.  “Kali left something for you.”  He handed me a mini translator.  “She only had time to program it for Bau.  It won’t work for any other language.” 

“Pray I don’t need any more.”  I clipped the translator to my ear and walked into the cargo bay.  On the far side of the bay was the pen where the remaining forty cattle stood.  To my left, the docking hatch hung open and a long tube connected us to the Baumen vessel.  I stood at our end and gazed across the dark cold expanse.  A tall, well-muscled figure stood at the other end.  The Captain.

“Permission to come aboard?”  I called out.

“Granted.”  He barked back. 

Good.  The translator works.  Sometimes Kali’s “upgrades” didn’t work so well.  I crouched down with my foot on the hatch seal and pushed off hard.  The momentum sent me flying head first through the tube and the weightlessness of space at a fast clip.  When I reached the other side I grabbed the top hatch and held on so as my body entered the artificial gravity of the Baumen vessel I could change my body’s angle and land on my feet instead of my face.

Immediately after landing, two thugs seized my arms tightly.  Another crewman stepped forward, but the Captain called him off. 
“This honor is mine.”

He knelt before me and slowly removed my lazer pistols, holster and all.  The howls of mirth from the crew were humiliating.  It almost made me wish that the translator didn’t work, but knowing what they said wasn’t half as arduous as withstanding the Captains ministrations. 

He caressed my thigh with one hand while the other gently coaxed the strap out of its loop.  The heat of his gaze was too much to bear.  I tried to focus my fiercest glare on the crew, but the flaming blush and racing pulse I couldn’t control sabotaged my intent.  After he finally finished removing the holsters his meticulous search moved up. 

Every curve of my body was thoroughly patted down and fondled.  He found the knife at my back and the EMP.  The headband he let me keep.  Don’t panic yet.  You still have your lucky charm and the knife in your boot.  You’re not out of options yet.  After he finished inspecting every strand of hair on my head, he lazily traced a finger down my neck.  He pulled out the silver chain tucked into my shirt, revealing the tiny charm that hung from it.  A glowing grin spread across his face when he saw it.  Weird.  Has he never seen a silver rose before?

“Are you finished.”  I said vehemently.  With a nod he called off the two thugs and I was finally able to massage my sore wrists.

“Prepare to break seal.  We have our prize.”  The Captain ordered.  He grabbed my butt and tried to pull me against him.

“I’m not your bitch!”  I shouted as I wound my arm back and punched him in the jaw with all my might.  His teeth grazed my knuckles and made a couple of them bleed, but I didn’t let that bother me.  For a final touch I kicked him hard in the groin before running for the hatch.

Quote

I know, I'm being a bit silly with the age thing, but...

You ain't seen silly yet.

Dalinar: Taylor Lautner
Kaladin: Sean Connery
Jasnah: Betty White
Navani: Kristin Stewart
Elhokar: Dakota Fanning
Hoid: Tom Cruise
Rock: Justin Beiber

That's painful!    Although, you should have added Kermit the frog as Shallan.



Hey Peter, how about posting a list of your own.

Oh yeah.  Opening night of "Beauty and the Beast" one of the new stage hands wishes me "good luck" seconds before I walk on stage.  About half an hour later during the bar scene with Gaston I trip down the stairs (on stage) and nearly break my leg.  The bruise and floor burn covered half of my shin and took 3 months to heal.   

You know Navani is in her 50s, right? She has a daughter who's 34, and that's Roshar years, which are longer.

Also remember that Alethi look like Brazilians, or rather, Brazilians who have dark hair and none of whom have pale skin.

I like Claudia Black as Jasnah, though. She's almost exactly the right age and she's got the chops.

My first pick for Navani was Helen Mirrin, but I had a hard time picturing her opposite Hugh Jackman.

As for the Alethi skin tone, I'd forgotten about that detail.  But that's something a clever make-up artist could take care of. 

I love the idea of Ben Kingsley as Hoid!  I also agree with Jason Statham as Szeth.  As for the rest:

Kaladin-- Jake Gyllenhaal
Dalinar -- Hugh Jackman
Jasnah -- Claudia Black
Shallan -- Rebekah Staton
Sadeas -- Alan Rickman
Navani -- Natalie Portman
Elhokar -- Cillian Murphy
Rock -- Joe Folau

I highly recommend the Runelords series by David Farland and Dhampir by Barb and J.C. Hendee.  They're fantastic!