Timewaster's Guide Archive

Oops, my dudeness is showing

I have to agree with LTU to some extent. I didn't feel like the text was cut short, so to speak, but I did feel as if there were two people writing this story; the first writer gives us wonderful prose, and the second person came in and edited the .doc and threw a few phrases from modern times in just for the fun of it.

Here are a few examples.

As he watched from the doorstep a brave fighter charged the beast, swinging a maul. The massive weapon hardly made a dent. The creature lashed out with an arm of pure black, slamming the warrior in, and through, a pillar lining the walls. From the look of things the warrior was not the first to suffer that fate. There were bodies all over the place, some still moving, and others unable to.

The prose here is wonderful, but the two bolded parts just don't seem to jive with everything else. They sound too modern.

Another one:

Another rock, and then another, coming harder and faster, breaking his shield. He twisted, but the next rock cracked the elbow of his shield arm. Swinging his sword stopped only a fraction of the tiny projectiles. Who was throwing those things?

This made me chuckle, reminding me of Austin Powers. "Who throws a shoe, honestly?"

A Third:

Through a haze he heard Black Rose speak. “This will not be like the Great Rot – the old Walkers of the Paths had no idea what they were messing with. I do.”
Wisteria shook her head. To her the words of Black Rose must seem foolishness. He wished he had the same conviction. What if she was right all along? Oh, what had they done here?
“You would mess with the foundation of life,” Wisteria asked, “and bring about the wrath of Lady Decay?”

Messing with things just comes off a little childish compared to the rest of the writing.

I think the reason this threw me off so much was because the rest of the time I was absolutely in love with the prose.

Okay, what I liked about it:

1. Love the idea of the thing
2. Flower names, you clever devil! Although Abutilon immediately made me think of the drug Albuterol. That kinda made the name suck for me; might for others, too.
3. Amaryllis is indeed the best character so far. I want more of their back and forth.
4. Liking the magic system so far. Different paths, cool.
5. The prose by the first writer is awesome!

In short, I'm looking forward to seeing more of this novel. You said you've already got a first draft done? Dude, I'll take the whole thing

Been a busy week for me, but I promise if I haven't gotten to your piece (and LTU, I owe you a much better review, with line edits) then I will this week. I'm reformatting my compy tomorrow, throwing some windows and linux back on there, and then I'll be good to go.

Guys, we need to bury this thread, quickly, before they see we know what's going on.

When it was recently announced that Brandon and Dan were "collaborating" it was to buffer us for the truth. They're becoming one person. The horrible air quality in Utah has morphed them both, in ways unknown, into a single entity. I call it Dandon Wanderson.

Be warned.

That's probably what I'll be doing, since I work nights on the weekends. Early Monday Morning, I'll shoot it over.

Welcome Argas

Sweet. If I get a chance in the next couple days, I'll shoot you an odt with notes.

I think I'm with ryos on this to some extent. I guess I just wish there were more.

I really enjoyed the descriptions, especially the line about the girl making herself the very center of the room. That was a very cool way to say it.

um...wow, I'm SUPER helpful. It was....good? I liked it, I just don't know what to critique.