Timewaster's Guide Archive

Can I send out the first chapter and have everyone pretend it was the only thing sent today?

As stated, this is the prologue. I also have the first chapter finished, and desperately want to submit it as well.. but since I don't want things thrown at me, I'll hold back until Monday night to see if people object voraciously to the idea.

Anyway, the rating is for some mild violence. Enjoy!

It was the daughter I liked, actually. The one who wanted to buy Jin. She stood out to me more than some of the other characters in this chapter.

Looks interesting. If I only I could write science fiction (the "science" part has always been trouble for me).

Still might give it a shot, should anything occur to me.

Having finally gotten around to reading this chapter, I have to say I enjoyed it despite barely knowing what was going on. As with Sword of Worlds, I'm coming into this story late, and would have to read previous chapters to be brought up to date. That said, any critique I make is relative to this chapter only.

One thing that stuck out to me were the characters. Each one seems very developed and layered, from Jin to Burm to the unnamed Masei girl who wanted to buy Jin ( I liked her in particular. Hope we get to see more of her in the future  .) Each has their own distinct voice, an element which does a lot to pull me into the story.

Clearly, Jin is out of place here, among boys like Burm who seem to think little beyond the life of a slave fighting in the pits. This is to be expected, though, considering the background he seems to have come from, and it's a wonder he's managed to adapt as well a she has to his life as a gladiator-slave-whatever. His power is interesting as well, whatever it is. (Not to mention I love his name. "Jin'Cathul"; rolls right off the tongue.)

“I wouldn't call myself good at anything,” Jin said.
   “Except whining.”

He does whine a lot. Even having read only one chapter, it's starting to get on my nerves. Which means it's being written very effectively. Still wanna smack him upside the head, though.

I have to agree with Cynic above on the fight scene. I had to force myself to read through it, and every other sentence I was fighting the urge to skim down to more character or plot-related parts.

Overall, I'm very interested in what has happened before, and felt completely immersed in the setting and characters. There were some minor spelling areas, and a few parts of the prose that felt a bit awkward. For example:

Jalean's shed was something of a mystery to the boys.  It was larger then the house Jin and his parents lived in and no one ever went in who was not Jalean and no one ever asked her about it.

I had to read this at least three times to fully absorb it, and it had the effect of knocking out of the story rather quickly. The second sentence is a bit of a run-on and interrupts the flow of the story. This isn't the only instance, so it's something you should probably keep an eye out for.

  If I go show myself to be an uneducated American on TV and get embarrassed due to my stupidity, can I have a huge book deal?

Yes. Yes you can. And then, a few years later, when your star is fading, you can let it slip that it was all an act, that you never were as stupid as you seemed, and get another book deal to explain "the truth". This is also the part where you betray all the "friends" you made along the way.

Then you'll do Hollywood Squares for a few years before fading into obscurity.

I think... yes, I think I may have a submission for Monday...

Wait. Crap. I don't have a title for it yet.

...I'll get back to you...