Timewaster's Guide Archive

@akoebel. I reorganized the command structure so it was a little simpler. I figured "tribuni angusticlavii" would turn people off – the pentii each command five centuries, with only the Prefect above them, so they're at a similar position. You have a good point about Lexio's place on the scale, but it's intended that he's 12th in command, and in normal warfare people would keep getting promoted over him, because the whole of command usually doesn't up and die in one go. It just happens with the rout and the assassinations that 10 of those people were taken out of line at once. I think on a re-write I'll play up how many other pentii were killed in battle.

@Manny: If you want I can email you the first six chapters.

Have you thought about changing the wording you use for Huuk? I'm sure you like the word because it fits with your world, but it might be easier if you used a word derived from english so it's more accessible. Everytime I run accross it I have to pause and try to remember how time is divided in your book. Part of that is probably just me forgetting after a week of not reading your story, of course. But unless you're set on huuk, it might make more sense to use words like thirdday or fullday or partday, or something that makes more sense that. Kind of like how the decimal-loving Apt in Shadows of the Apt restructure their weeks as "tendays." This way readers get the sense that your world is out there, without getting too lost.

Anyways – the actual chapter:

You have a tendency to write question sentences with out a question mark. Just a typo thing, but I'd watch out for it. I also think it's odd that Jin thinks of his father as "Talvin." Unless I missed something – like he's his stepdad – this just seems off. Kids think of their father as 'father.'

I was worried you'd be too heavy handed with the 'cultural differences' concerning devils and magic. While you didn't overdo it, I still think your first paragraph has too much exposition in it. Instead of talking about the specific names of the tribes, just say something like "Jin had never seen a living dando, but he'd heard they were enormous – some of the desert tribes even thought they were demons." Or something better worded than that. When you touch on it again during their conversation, I thought it went a lot smoother, so it's possible your first paragraph didn't need anything at all.

I thought the conversation with Talvin was handled well. There's affection there, but you get the feeling Talvin is strict and maybe a little too analytical to be good with people.

You also draw attention to make-up twice with the girl at the door, but the first time you say it's dark, and the second you say there's a lack. I'd just switch the wording a bit so it correlates better.

I enjoyed Jin's invisible friend, and right now that's what I want to see progress the most. Your world's geography also intrigues me, with the nightfall-esque suns and the giant craters in the desert.

Here's the next one, back on the regular timeline. I feel like I didn't do the murder scene at the end justice, so let me know if you have any ideas to make it stronger. Thanks!

Hubay – Lord Domestic Ch7 (L,V,S)

Summary:
Jhuz captured a scouting harpy named Jainifer, but on the way back foolishly gave her up to the Jackal Lexio so he didn't have to carry her. Zaisha is becoming increasingly worried about unrest in camp.

Chapter 7: Jhuz interrogates the prisoner, talks chain of command with Arilu, and Arilu has a run-in with the Chell.

I've got another one ready as well.

I'm just hoping he actually gives a chunk of his proceeds to Joss Whedon, like he said on his blog.

Alright, I'm glad this helped. So do you guys think I should write out the chell altogether, or just avoid showing off his power (geas, mindreading, teleportation, etc.)?

Hey everyone. I'm trying something a little different this week. I wrote a prologue to the rest of my chapters so far, that mostly serves to explain the magic system. It's the story of Jhuz as he recieves his familiar. As such, it's a lot of exposition, and I may still have explained the magic poorly. Let me know what you think.

I also tried switching the –mejji suffix to –metsi. I think the double j's might have made it annoying to read, and I think the new one feels a little more roman-flavored. That said, it still feels off to me, so I'd appreciate any feedback or ideas.

Hubay - Lord Domestic, Ch 0. (L,V?) It's pretty tame, actually, but most of my stuff isn't.
2700 words

Summary:
The imperial taxonomist Dezrius helps a six-year-old Jhuz pick out his familiar.