Timewaster's Guide Archive

I also like to send in a new chapter on monday.

I also have another chapter for this monday.

I will also be joining NaNo again this year, under username Asmodemon. It'll be the third year in a row and I plan on 'winning' it this year again too.

Keeping each other on track sounds like a good idea, but I won't be up for critiqueing (other) NaNo pieces until november is over (it'll be tough managing time to write as it is). And showing my own stuff at that stage will just wake my internal editor and I can't have that

One thing that didn't work for me was the first paragraph.

I had a feeling it might not work. Occasionally I like to get a little poetic, but more often than not it doesn't work very well.

And, much as I hate to say it, I'm still not seeing why Dais is even with them to begin with.

If there is one thing I consider my biggest oversight it's Dais's backstory. Compared to the others it is the weakest and that's not good for a major POV character. You're right, his position there doesn't seem deserved. I've been giving it a lot of thought and got some ideas for him that I'll work out in the next draft. That draft will see a major overhaul of his plotline.

Hope this was helpful!

Definitely

Avoid passive voice, if you can.

I thought I was, I'm sorry to say, but then I wasn't paying attention to it specifically. It's a bit disconcerting to see how much slipped through.

This is the first chapter I've read so obviously I'm a bit in the dark as to what's going on.  I think using italics for thoughts would make it easier to discern Rosalin's thoughts.

Unfortunately in the case of Rosalin this isn't really possible, since there are more thoughts in her head than simply her own. There's another presence there, called Rosen, and his 'voice' uses italics at the moment.

Even though I'm unfamiliar with the story, I'm interested in the direction its heading and for just picking it up:  that's a good thing.

Thanks, that's great to hear. If you want to read the earlier chapters just reply to my submission mail and I'll sent them to you.

Nice start, though with three perspectives in one chapter it's not yet clear where things are going, I can see that the characters are sympathetic. The way you're using Victorian terminology grants a certain authenticity to your setting. These are all good points, but there are also a number of things I think you should beware of.

First, you should be careful how much slang you use. It's interesting, but obscure slang can read a lot like made-up words if you're not familiar with them. If you don't explain them in the text or make them clear through context you can quickly lose your readers.

You do explain things, but they're not the things that need explaining.  I understand that a Runner is one of the fast thieves and that Bruisers beat people up without you telling me. But what is a 'dipper kid'? From the glossary you linked to I found out it's a pickpocket – no way was I going to know from the chapter itself.

Another explanation issue is also at the start of the chapter. First you get us into the action of Jobber running but then you tell us dryly, just after the Runner/Bruiser explanation, how he got there. I'd rather you show me how he tried to deliver the package and go from there. It's the difference between show and tell. There are some more instances where you give us background information, like on Zona's uncle, but it feels like an info-dump.

Which brings me to another 'tell' in your story so far, the character descriptions. You use the list format and this is not such a bad thing occasionally, but you've done it with all characters so far. It's like the story is going along and then someone takes you aside, hands you the grocery list, which you scan dutifully, and then you're sent back to the story. It doesn't fit seamlessly and that hurts things.

There are more subtle ways to do descriptions and most of the time we don't need to know specifics because it's too much to remember in one go. Better to decide, for main characters, on a couple details and remind us periodically.

For example, Zona's hair is usually greasy. Instead of telling us it is along with all the other details you can have her handle something greasy and then carelessly let her take her grease-stained hand through her hair.

Some smaller issues are grammar and spelling issues ('get away' should be 'getaway' for instance). Your tenses switch here and there, sometimes in the same sentence.

and in about 3 seconds

Small numbers should always be written out.

Your sentences tend to be very long and have a lot of commas, which make them feel jerky, which cuts into the flow of the story.

I also want to submit again if that's all right.

Chapter twelve, where we leave Overlook behind us. Enjoy.

I'm also trying to keep to my personal schedule, so I'll also have another chapter this monday.