Timewaster's Guide Archive

Yes, whimsical would be the best word to describe The Color of Magic.  The reason I say not to be put off by it is that the book is not really representative of the bulk of Mr. Pratchett's writing.  The Color of Magic is a farce, and so is it's sequel, The Light Fantastic.  After about the first four books or so where he hasn't really settled on a voice or style, Pratchett starts writing satire, and nearly all of his books from then on are about the best fantasy-satire you can find.  Guards! Guards! is the beginning of his first series where he is really hitting his stride, which is why I generally recommend it, although the Rincewind/Twoflower books have some awesome stories in the series (Interesting Times being my favorite), so at one point or another it is worth reading Pratchett's early work.

I read your second version and the battle scenes were much improved.  You can ignore everything I said in my third critique.

So I read this two days ago and have let it sit in the back of my mind, mulling it over (actually I've been really busy, but saying I was mulling it over sounds better).  Anyway, as usual I enjoyed the chapter and I enjoy the story.  There were some things that bugged me though.

First, (and this may be due to not seeing an Ellie chapter in some time) where did the battling armies come from?  Last I recall, Ellie was wandering along the road with her captors and a small escort of around 100 men/knights.  Then all the sudden we have a full blown battle with two armies.  It has been awhile so I may not be remembering clearly the size of the groups and events leading up to this chapter, but I found it puzzling.

Second, and this is related to the first, I didn't feel any tension build up before the battle.  As a reader, one of the things I love most in a book is that sense of tension and suspense right before two armies collide.  Here, we were just flung into the midst of a raging battle, so there was none of that.  Again, it's a personal preference, but you could ratchet up the tension a lot (of course, you might have done that in your last chapter which I don't remember so disregard this comment if you did).

Third, you need to do a hard read through and edit of the action sequences in this chapter.  I had to scratch my head and re-read paragraphs on several occasions to figure out what was happening with the fighting.  Usually your fight scenes are clean and clear, but these weren't.

Fourth, why did Morrigan send Ellie to Bloodbath?  This puzzles me to no end and it makes no sense.  If Morrigan knew Bloodbath was in trouble, she also knew that Ellie was grossly outnumbered as well, so why would she send her to aid him?  The only thing that makes sense is Morrigan knew Ellie would get her self in trouble, Bloodbath would start to die, and Ellie would have to give over the sword.  This makes sense if Morrigan is really a bad guy only pretending to care about Ellie, but I got the impression that wasn't what you were going for. 

Finally, I am still wondering what the plot climax will be for Ellie.  What is it all building toward with her?  You just had a major battle scene and a major turning point with giving over the sword and using the ring on Mallik (still don't know what that did which was kinda annoying), but it wasn't a climax, not really.  I feel like we are nearing the end of the book, but I don't feel like we've built toward any kind of plot climax for Ellie.  Similarly, if Kail's climax in the book is his winning over of the troll nation to save his love, it's going to feel somewhat like a let down.  You promise epic in the beginning--magic swords that are keys to the universe, rampaging bad guys invading and destroying worlds, a god-slayer hero--but if the climax of your first book is guy gets girl and girl frees prisoner, your readers are not going to feel very satisfied.  Something big had better be coming down the pipe.

Anyway, those are my thoughts.  I look forward to the next chapter.

First off, could we get a sticky on this topic?  It's one that will get used frequently I think.

Second, I've been doing some anthology reading for WotF, and while I've only read a handful of stories, I haven't found a single one that has any kind of violent content.  I've read the synopsis for a lot of the other stories too, and none of them sounds particularly violent.  This troubles me.

Is WotF pacifist in nature?  I submitted my last story which happened to be about a futuristic SWAT team.  It wasn't gory, but it was violent.  People got shot and/or blown up.  So my question to all the other WotF writer/readers is this: have you ever seen a winning entry/published finalist that had a militaristic feel and/or violence?  I guess what I'm asking is whether I got screwed before I ever got out the gate.  I had a lot of people say that my story was good enough to win, but I'm not sure if the content nuked it before it ever really got considered.  If you do know of a winning story of a more violent nature, could you tell me the title and volume number so I can give it a read over?

True, true.  Of course, you could modify the beginning just a little and make it even more YA.  If your MC is about 18, then you'll easily fit the category.

Before the wrath striketh, I seek to appease thee, oh gods who oppose thread necromancy!  Turneth thy anger away!  I'm trying to give a compliment here for crying out loud!

Anyway, I just read "In Memory" in the WotF anthology XX.  I loved it.  As an author plugging away at my own stories, I know how nice it is to have someone compliment my stuff when deserved, so I am paying it forward.  Congrats Mr. Stone.  The story was awesome.  I started by reading the first place winners, and it's the better than any of them, imho.

I also, am late for dinner, but I wanted to add my two cents if you are still looking for feedback. 

First, I'll disagree and say you should keep Aberash's perspective, but limit it.  Make him a throw away character.  If I were writing it (and feel free to reject this), I'd put Aberash in Erik's party, and after Erik blasts through the glass, cut to Aberash fleeing the gun battle and running into hydroponics... and dying.  One scene only.  Now, you might have Erik witnessing the death of the other marine party via surveillance and that way the story has some closure.

I know  it's been said by the others, so I'll keep it brief, but the story does need closure.  Erik's plot thread is not finished.  Mouse's plot thread finished, but felt like it got cut too short and/or is missing something.  Aberash's plot thread is unnecessary and can be a throw away as I stated above.

One other thing, I did not catch until the end that the kids were bio-engineered for deep space, but I think that this comes from having read the story through in two sittings instead of one.  Honestly, I thought for the first quarter of the story that Mouse really was a rodent.  I thought that might be the "surprise" at the end, that they had been experimenting and created rabid, intelligent mice.

I'll also second the statement that you need to 'sharpen' the hook.

Anyway, I'll add more/elaborate if you are still looking for feedback.  I liked the story, especially for the premise.  Clean this up and send it to writers of the future or something.  Resubmit it to us after it's all polished and shiny

Meh.  I'm pretty sure the nitrogen wouldn't even touch vader's armor and certainly wouldn't stop him from using the force, and as to the electrical batarang, Vader took some heavy shocks from the emperor and kept on coming (yes, it hurt him, but it didn't stop him). 

Force choke.  Blasters.  Dead Batman.

And I agree with Ryos that with updated technology, Batman would have at least a fighting chance, say 50%-50% odds of winning.