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Messages - ApocRK

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Reading Excuses / Re: Email List + Submission Dates
« on: August 02, 2009, 07:04:03 PM »
Hey guys sorry that I havn't done any critiquing in the last 2 weeks, Its been very busy here at my house. I promise I will get around to in next week and then maybe submit something the following week. (Gotta see how things play out here at my house.)

Reading Excuses / Re: July 20- Sons of Keepers Chapter 1
« on: July 24, 2009, 07:37:13 PM »
aww thanks guys :)

I'm already thinking of shortening the scenes at the docks with the fisher (hes not important) and the scene with the baker to around the length of the smith(which i thought was enough to give you a view into Isaac's importance at the inn). Then I'll lengthen the chat with Alden at the inn allowing him to explain carters and riders a bit more and just learning a little bit more about Alden, in turn solving the trust issue,  and probably scratch the running bit at the end.

And for the mirror scene   :-[ I had removed that a little bit after I sent out the email lol. It was one of those things that I didn't like at all but I kind of put it aside. And for the too much proper nouns and internal though thing, thats a side effect that happens during the rewrite :( I always put too little of both the first time around and then try to fix it by adding too much. I guess the third time around will help me get it into the gold zone :P 

Reading Excuses / Re: July 20-Frog-DR Prologue
« on: July 24, 2009, 07:22:57 PM »
Just finished this up a few minutes ago. I really liked it :D

The only thing that I didn't like were the first couple of paragraphs, they all felt a little infodumpy and kind of bland. But once the characters started talking it completely caught my interest and held it until the end.

And for the elves part, I didn't even think about them :P I just thought about the Fairy queen, elves never popped into mymind until I read this topic.

Also, I agree with the comment  on the god titles, I would much rather learn about the gods and of what they are from other sources then their family. When I think of my family I don't think 'my aunt, the nurse' I just think my aunt. 

Ahh great Ellie chapter :)

Before I was on the edge with Ellie but after this one Im anixious for her chapters.

Not much to say that hasnt been said already so i'll just mention some goods and bads. 

I liked how the wolves and the draken have some history, it gives a feeling that the forest is a complex hierarchy that she is just starting to discover.

I didn't like the burial scene, It might just be personal preference but it seemed kind of boring and I didn't like how she spends her time digging a hole for someone who was going to rape and kill her while she thinks her friend is dying on hill far away. 

Other then that it was a good start to what felt like the beginning of Ellie's story.

Reading Excuses / Re: July 20- Sons of Keepers Chapter 1
« on: July 21, 2009, 09:41:55 PM »
"A motley of emotions." Nice.

I'm not sure why Isaac suddenly decides to trust the man who he was chasing after in a rage just moments before, or why he seems to know absolutely nothing about the bead.

Isaac's whole spiel where he's telling Alden about how he won the bead sounds kind of stilted to me, not like real dialogue.A lot of it feels more like the author inserting himself into the dialogue. And I find it kind of odd that Isaac would give such a blow-by-blow description of the scene anyway. More likely he'd just say he helped pull someone out of a falling building.

Alden is WAY too convenient a fixture. He's someone that Isaac just randomly saw in the crowd, who he has a chance encounter with, and it turns out he knows all the answers and can tell Isaac exactly what to do.

A sailor in labour? *blinks* As in, having a baby?

Is the bouncer Teris, or Terri?

The farewell scene at the inn feels awfully drawn out for what actually happens. Isaac has one kind of angry, unhappy moment when Ned "fires" him, but other than that it's all smiles and tears and happy farewells, and it doesn't really feel like it's doing much. You could add a lot more emotional conflict if you wanted to. If you don't want to, that's fine, but in that case I think you need to trim down all the farewell stuff by a fair margin.

Good start though.

Ya I had a lot of trouble with the farewell scene and the part on how he trusts Alden so easily. I'm trying to revamp those scenes or introduce a new one that allows Isaac to leave the town. I noticed that in a lot of books where the main character starts off as a simpleton the drive for him to be something more is fear or necessity (ex. town gets attacked, has to go get revenge for his family, is the only one that can do blah and kill blah.) So I wanted to make my guy get out into the world because of ambition and because he wants to, but its proving to be fairly difficult to get that with a scene. 

The thing with the convenience has something to do with the bead and how it sorta pulls Isaac to what he needs. They sort of act like a compass in the beginning.

Ya its Terri, I changed his name a couple of times :P must have forgotten to go back and change. And ya as in having a baby lol, I wanted to make something preposterous and clever so I kind of put that in as a place holder and when I came back to it I just liked it so much I kind of left it :P

I'll go back and change the stuff, expecially the story scene, I makes sense to leave it short and sweet.

Reading Excuses / Re: 20 July - Invasion
« on: July 20, 2009, 04:48:15 PM »
Here are just some simple things to change

The part when the gaurds died was a little weird, I think you should have focused more on how 6 men had just died and hadn't jumped right into the self guilt. After something like that happens it usually takes a little bit for the person to experience much else but complete shock or anger depending who they are.

on the fouth page you say "Her sisters were gone" then a few sentences later you say "Two started pulling her away, down the corridor, away from the exit. Away from her sisters" How would she know if she was being pulled to or from her sisters if they aren't anywhere in sight. Like jjb said, the whole part with the separating needs a lot more work, for a few paragraphs I was wondering if she was under another flashback scene since everything drastically changed so quickly. Also why were they taking her to the courtyard?

They were there to take the castle. Jena had seen it almost two months ago, just like she had seen there would be no bloodshed
the bolded bit is a little hard to understand.

Her heart pounded in her chest, and she breathed in slowly a few times, trying to calm herself
That sentence felt a little like a list, maybe instead of saying how she breathed in slowly you can describe the breaths themself. for example - her breaths came in slowly, or something like that.

The outside force neared the courtyard, and leaned closer to the window, looking down over the area below
This sentence is pretty confusing, you mention the outside force which makes me think of the army but then you mention the window which snaps me back to the MC, I couldn't understand what you were talking about here.

And started pulling her back toward the courtyard.
this sentence was a little awkward in positioning.

She glanced out a window on the other side of the tower and noticed the lights on in the library
since its a castle and an army with swords is coming I'm assuming they don't have lightbulbs yet, so that means that the library was well lit at night with a lot of torches. It seems a little dangerous to have so mch fire with so much dry paper, you would think they closed the library at night or used single candle flames to light the way at night for midnight reading.
She flipped around, and saw five men run out of a passage into the courtyard.
the five men thing sort of threw me off, its like saying "He walked out into battle field to fight the approaching army of five thousand six hundred and two men." In a life and death situation, exact number counts seem akward. A simple 'few' or 'many' or 'half a dozen' usually works well (even though it specifies an exact number it still sounds nicer)

Overall it was pretty well written just that I need a little more from the characters and plot to make me more interested. Then there is the plot hole that kept on nagging me, if she thought it was all so dangerous and risky to stay in the castle then how come they didn't just leave the day before or something? Or at least send the women and children out just in case and the men could stay to defend.

It takes place in the same world? wasn't the other one like in present times?

Reading Excuses / July 20- Sons of Keepers Chapter 1
« on: July 20, 2009, 03:50:46 PM »
Hey guys, chapter 1 of my book sorry for the late topic but some things came up. How'd you like it?  ;D

A few questions, do you like the name? It doesn't make much sense but it has a nice ring to it.

also, I'm having a real problem with things going a little too fast. What can I add to give my story more beef without adding endless lists of details?

Reading Excuses / Re: Email List + Submission Dates
« on: July 18, 2009, 01:13:26 AM »
I'll send something Monday too. this chapter is a bit long, about 6k words, should I split it up for two weeks or all at once?

Reading Excuses / Re: July 13 , Sons of Keepers
« on: July 15, 2009, 03:34:59 AM »
Making the servants mocking would help explain his reaction, but in my humble opinion, there's still a contradiction.  You can't do both, you see.  You can make him pretend to be an idiot raised with an exaggerated view of his own importance- that would explain the arrogant glare- but then he wouldn't bother helping a nobody errand boy.  Or, you could make him a simpleton too dense to understand when people are mocking him, and that would fit with innocently helping a little boy who's fallen down.  But you can't have it both ways, because that would betray him to the servants, and servants talk.   :-\

Either way you do it, though, internal conflict will definitely help us understand his actions.

That fruit of yours sounds intriguing...

Yeah I was trying to go for the latter of your examples but by accident it seems that arrogance seeped through into his faux personality.

And yeah the fruit plays a very crucial role, the economy and state of countries in a way depends on it. Instead of trading daughters and sons to marry foreign leaders to strengthen treaties, they trade formulas for making medicine/ all sorts of goodies with the fruit.

I thought that adding some sort of magical element that can be controlled by governments and businesses (the forumulas) will allow them to be more independent from the actual magic guys that I'm introducing later.

Reading Excuses / Re: July 13 , Sons of Keepers
« on: July 15, 2009, 02:17:24 AM »
oh thats perfect, just the stuff i needed to know :)

I already have some great ideas on how to fix the problem with the messanger boy, the Ounman description, and adding some internal narrative to clear up Stitcher's motivation. The thing about Gebron and Stitcher's hatred is that a lot of it is related to Stitcher's mother. And since she is such a vital part to how he is as a character if I mentioned her at all it would have either become an infodump or it would have just sparked more questions.

Also the part with the servants, do you think that if I made the smiles mocking and sort of an insult then introduced an innocent character, the messenger, it would work out better? Since Stitcher is going to have an inner conflict to help someone who hasnt caused him harm but also the need to keep up his persona?

And yah, civilization outside of the Red fields (which is kind of enclosed by a river) is much more civilized. Someone is trying to take advantage of them, there are a lot of driving forces behind the decision to use them that I plan on revealing slowly. Also There is this fruit that I'm trying to introduce in chapter 4 that's native to my world, its a sort of secret ingredient thats helped propel civilization outside the Red Fields a lot, almost to a Renaissance type of time. (they can make everything from the fruit, preservatives for food, cures for diseases, paint that keeps houses cooler, things like that. It gives the world a new dimension.)

Thanks for the help!  :) I'll be sure to fix the stuff and add more details like the ones you mentioned, it will certainly give this chapter more depth :)

Reading Excuses / Re: 13 July - Knight on the Rim
« on: July 14, 2009, 08:46:59 PM »
Woah one long read :P but I liked it. There were only a few things that kind of bothered me though, mainly was the absence of their motivation. I would have liked to have known more on what his organizations cause is and why they fight with the Crashers.  Basically, a little more background on the conflict would have been nice.

Also there was one more thing that irked me, how the parents of the girl let 3 strangers live in their house for 3 days and then a few weeks later how they let them come and take their son away,  itseemed very unrealistic.

And here are some mistakes I spotted
The blonde man pointed to a set of foot-prints. “Those are hers.”
Since the characters are in a city setting with buildings and concrete it would have been nice if you added an extra detail concerning to where the footprints were. In the dust from the rubble? or were they prints on the pavement made from her dirty shoes?

and she lived in a little city about 40 miles to the east on Long Island
instead of saying little city you can just say the actual place.

Gabe was only eleven when it was destroyed, but he remembered the fireballs over New York, London, Sydney, Tokyo, Cairo, and Moscow.
It sounds like he was in all those cities when it happened, maybe if you put "seeing on tv" or something like that.

The left sleeve of his shirt was missing and his whole arm was red and blistered with what looked to Gabe to be a first-degree burn
Blisters are characteristics of second degree burns, and if they do appear on first degree burns (which they rarely do) it's usually at the end stages of the healing process

The black skyline of New York rose sharply to the west of him
Wasn't sure what that meant, were you talking about the city and the buildings?

"I don’t really want to mess with them, regardless of how boring this,” he motioned around the room, “is.”
This dialogue break sort of took me out of the action since it happened in between dialogue that doesn't necessarily need a pause.  I think it could have been better if you wrote something along the lines of:   -this is," his final words accompanied by a gesture that captured the whole room.

And during the scene where Adam and Gabe play chess and he wins the second game, I think that the conversation would have been better during the midgame and not at the end. Chess isn't something that you can lose at suddenly, you can kind of see how the game is playing out and whether or not your winning or losing. It would have been fairly obvious to spot that Adam was using unconventional methods during the midgame/ late in the opening.

Here are just a few simple mistakes I found( just a few that were kind of hard to miss). I'm going to just highlight them in red because once they are pointed out you'll be able to see whats wrong.
It tipped precariously and Gabe steadied them

He sat there, breathing and feeling the cool, yet stagnant air in the room, until Thack’s voice shocked out of his thoughts
He looked up at Adam, who smiled and said, “Check mate (it's one word.).”

Reading Excuses / July 13 , Sons of Keepers
« on: July 13, 2009, 10:40:51 PM »
Hey guys, post what you thin here I guess :)

I'm not too good at grammar but I'm seriously trying to learn. So if you could point out the most reoccurring mistakes and the most obvious ones that would help me a lot :)

Also can you tell me how you interpreted the setting and people? I was going for a barbarian/Beowulf sort of thing in this part of my world

Reading Excuses / Re: Email List + Submission Dates
« on: July 09, 2009, 06:41:05 PM »
Yup! Just post here a couple days before the Monday you'll submit.

ahh ok great, I'll throw my chapter 2 down the intertubes on monday I guess. Small chapter that I was very satisfied with :)

No chapter one? ;)

Its a little.... jolty :P

Chapter 1 and 2 are both the start of the two MC's storylines so you can read them in any order. :P

Reading Excuses / Re: Email List + Submission Dates
« on: July 09, 2009, 05:40:16 AM »
Yup! Just post here a couple days before the Monday you'll submit.

ahh ok great, I'll throw my chapter 2 down the intertubes on monday I guess. Small chapter that I was very satisfied with :)

Reading Excuses / Re: Email List + Submission Dates
« on: July 09, 2009, 03:25:40 AM »
Hey guys, I have a question, If I want to submit something I just have say what week im going too right?

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