Timewaster's Guide Archive

I think ryos' suggestion on format is pretty good for what you're setting up here.  But I also agree that most of your viewpoints are too short- aside from the ending viewpoints, which have always been short, and serve mainly to let us know that stuff is happening elsewhere, too.  Which I like.

The dialogue is improving, but the prose in this chapter is sometimes confusing.  The sentences flow, but the ideas sometimes get tangled up in each other.  Or maybe I'm just tired.

I'm a little unclear about how Black Rose was released, and I think you need to show that because otherwise I'm going to wonder why the heck it took anyone four hundred years to do it if it was that easy.  Perhaps you could cover that in more detail later on.  I do like that her imprisonment has changed her.  The disconnected way she feels right now seems just about right.  She's out of time, so it fits.

I have nothing to add, except to reiterate what everyone else said.  Good chapter.  Confusion abounds.  Work on it later.

Everything I would have said has already been addressed. 

As a prologue it works because I want to know what happened to Black Rose.  As a prologue it doesn't work, because there's too much of a disconnect between Black Rose and Rosen- there's no clue how much time has passed, exactly, and no indication of why he wants to release her.  I would suggest taking Rosen out of the prologue entirely and just putting him in chapter 1.  That's the beginning of the new timeline, and readers expect a certain amount of disconnect between a prologue and the first chapter.

I would also like to submit the rest of chapter 1.

Very good advice here, guys, thanks!  Particularly as regards the amount of conversation, description, and army sizes.

As I mentioned in my part 2 critique, you should really move some of this to earlier sections.  It's good that you recognized we need to see it and gave it to us, but don't forget to reintegrate it with the rest so it flows more naturally.

This section reads the best for me, though.  I think you make Karrus' POV just a little stilted in tone- probably on purpose- but it's a lot easier for me to get immersed into this kind of writing.

One minor note: the quick succession of chobin with chosha is difficult to read.  True, you already introduced us to chobin as a term of rank for the Kithians, but this is the first time we're seeing chosha and at first I thought it was a remnant from a rephrasing of that particular sentence.  They are also very similar in sound.  I'd suggest putting a little more distance between them or changing one of the two so they don't sound so much alike.

Nice beginning.  I do like the gradual change in focus narrowing down to a single individual, but you either need to make section 2 longer, or just merge it with either section one or three.  Right now it's a bit jarring.

Section 4: is there some reason why it takes Karrus so long to dig himself out?  I know he's injured, but sand- while tending to try and level itself- is fairly easy to dig in.  At most it should take a couple of hours.  Also, given both the length of time you've got him digging right now, and the fact that he can't feel his leg at the beginning, he shouldn't be able to blithely stand up and walk around after freeing himself.  His head wound should affect his balance (especially since he's already passed out once and is delirious) and his leg should be both stiff and painful while the blood rushes back to it.  In short, he should be hobbling around grimacing in pain.

Section 7:  It might be possible to use what you've already got to help explain why she does what she does. First of all, he wakes up naked with a cold wind blowing over wet skin.  That combination is going to do some physical things to a man's body.  You could even tie it in with her noticing his "awakening."  I'm not trying to be crude, I'm just stating some facts here.  But for us to catch that you need to call attention to it.  And then call attention to the fact that she is *reacting* to his present condition, not necessarily acting solely on her own initiative.  'Cause I've gotta say: as a woman, the last thing I'm going to do after rescuing a man, even with the knowledge that we might just be the last two people alive on earth, is give him a peep show and then lay down beside him naked.  Particularly if he was the enemy a little less than 12 hours ago.  That's just asking for trouble right there.  Call me crazy, but I'd prefer to know a bit about him before I go giving him any ideas.  I would, however, probably lie down next to him with my clothes *on*, and spread a blanket over us both.  Sharing body heat is common sense.

Section 8: Actually doesn't seem too much out of blue, as long as you properly set things up in the previous section.  She's gotten her comfort and now she returns the favor.