Timewaster's Guide Archive

I think this is probably the most coherent Rosalin perspective we've seen yet!   But I do agree with Hubay about the other characters and their lack of development.  It wouldn't even take much.  You've done pretty well with Senna, for example- she's embarrassed at the attention she gets by shining and acts that way.  Rosalin then later mentions showing some nuts to Dais to get his opinion on their edibleness because "the boy seemed pretty knowledgeable about the forest."  But the only other example you've given us of that is him handing her a some leaves.  Perhaps on their trek through the forest you could mention him rambling to Amaryllis about this shrub and that bunch of leaves he claims are herbs or something while Kalimeris stalks along with a grim expression (as usual ).  Something to show us that the other party members are interacting while she's introspecting.

But on the whole I thought it was well put together.  The bathing scene was very well shown.

I will post on this once I've caught up.

To start off with, this version feels a lot more coherent than the other.  It flows better, there's no obvious break between back-story and main plot, so good job!

Isis' motivation works, but I'm not sure you're showing it in the right way.  I'm getting more of a "victim mentality" vibe than a "revenge" vibe from her.  But it's still a lot more than you gave us before- you're headed in the right direction!

The ending still feels a little abrupt, especially since now I find myself caring about her- unlike the previous draft.  Again this comes down to you showing us reasons why she does what she does, and why she deserves the end she ultimately gets.  You did good on the motivation part, now you just need to work on the 'she deserves this' part.

LTU, I've noticed you use the words 'bland' and 'generic' in your critiques a lot these days... maybe you should switch to reading Sci-fi!    

Empire and King both use modern definitions in my setting.  The Emperor rules an Empire made up of many conquered nations.  A King (or Queen- there are Queens who rule in their own right) rules his own kingdom which he inherited from his father (or mother as the case may be). 

So no, they are not rebelling- they're being invaded.  And I know right now my characters are sort of bland vanilla (partially because description is not my strong suit).  It gets better I promise, just give it time.  As for my setting being based on Lord of the Rings... I really can't see where you got that at this point.  Could you explain?  Perhaps I'm missing something.

Well, I have the opposite of Flo's problem.  I can't open .docx files at all.  To clarify- I didn't have a problem opening this submission.

Anyway, on to the critique.

This may have been in the prologue- which I have not read... not sure I even got it- but, what the heck is a spinner?!  From the sparse descriptions you provided, I really have no idea what it is, or what it's purpose is, or even why it's such a big deal.  Granted, for the purposes of the scene, it's not really important.  But it is the cause of several actions, so you've still got me asking, "why?"  And again, this may have been explained in the prologue, and if so, fine.  But if not...

Yay for finally having some kind of indication of what it is that makes Polaesi die after a single year of god-hood.  You could probably describe it in more detail, though.  I wouldn't complain.

I like the visual image of slums residing above the main city, but I also see a problem with that... people who live in slums usually aren't that tidy, or clean.  And people who are neither tidy nor clean, tend to throw their trash any-which way.  And in a high-rise slum, that any-which way is probably going to end up going *down*... to the city-center.  Thus inflicting the effects of slum-life on the expensively dressed upper class.  And, frankly, it doesn't matter if the trash eventually gets turned into food, because it's still going to be all over someone's formerly gorgeous vehicle/dress/pet/spouse.

As for actual action... I like what I see for the most part.  It is a little contradictory to have Dyp think about all the people who have not survived finding out he's really a god, and then not have him kill the guy who just identified him as such.  Granted, he doesn't know for sure, and I get that Dyp wants to use him to send a message, but... wouldn't just killing all of them be a much better message?

Anyway, this installment does a good job of making your world bigger, and that's always a good thing.  I like big worlds.  Keep it coming!

Regarding the size of Arrelaine... I think it comes across as small because most of the time I'm comparing it to the size of the Empire that's just become their enemy- which is roughly the size of half the U.S., maybe just a bit over.  Consider, for instance, a country the size of Iowa and Missouri together, taking on the central and western states all together.  But I do need to clarify that in the text.

You raise a good point for where the strategizing is taking place- I'll have to change that, but I think I can still maintain tension.  It'll just be in different areas.

Thanks for your time and advice!

And finally we've got some action going on!   And we've got more indications that Rosalin is waking up to her situation in the fact that she's finally starting to take a reluctant interest in the people around her.

I will agree with Zardog that some of your sentences were hard to follow again, in this installment.  That's probably just the way you write when you're in the 'getting everything down' mode, but remind yourself to line edit later.

The differing POVs worked for you in this chapter, because all the POVs are together in one space, each showing different aspects of what's going on.

I do have a question about Senna... is she the equivalent of a shaman?  And if so, is that why she hides herself?

I don't see Sericea in her anymore. Kind, loving, self-sacrificing Sericea became ice-cold, heartless Black Rose the moment her imprisonment was broken. Is the woman who cared for Rosalin so tenderly really the same woman who gazed dispassionately at the carnage left by a raging Shifter?

Ok, what?  I was under the impression that Black Rose and Sericea are two entirely different people.  And I have recently read the whole from the prologue to this point.  I can find no indication that they are the same, or that Sericea is somehow channeling, or merged with, Black Rose the same way Rosalin merged with Rosen.  Am I wrong about this?

Anyway, I like the feel of Black Rose.  She's still having difficulty adjusting to her new life, as well she should be, and you show it quite well.  And yet she is able to act when needed. 

The battle sequence on the wall is a bit confusing for me to follow- but then I usually have difficulty following specific battle description, so don't take it personally. 

Personally, I can't wait for her to meet up with Rosalin.