Timewaster's Guide Archive

I am not a fan of the overly used Terrans. I know it is kind of a standard but I feel like every Sci-fi story uses it. Maybe some creative alternative.

Yeah, that's only temporary (I hope). It's probably the one name I've changed most often, but none of them had the right ring to them.

Finally - I am not sure the Prologue was needed. Unless that sets up something else in the story later I don't know about. I would scrap it - as most publishers/agents hate them anyway. Start with Chapter one - just my opinion.

It does sort-of set up something, but that's more of a gimmick and can easily be dispensed with.

Did any of the grammar issues turn up repeatedly? Maybe there's something I tend to overlook when proofreading.

The Prologue:  [...]

I sense a pattern here. I did quite like the gimmick the prologue sets up, but if the prologue itself keeps people from reaching said gimmick - adieu le prologue. Is that even proper French?

Chapter 1: Whoa.  MAJOR break in the flow.  It's like reading the beginning of two completely different stories. 

Would chapter 1 work as a beginning more or less as it is, in your opinion?

I would add another chapter about Juno and her interrogation of whomever it is before jumping to the seditionists, preferably explaining what it is that she does and why it makes everyone around her so nervous. 

That would be chapter 3, at the moment. But I see your point, I might have to juggle the initial few chapters around a bit.

It bothers me a little that you don't identify von Bredow as either Imperialist or Terran (I assume these are the factions left after the non-war in the prologue?).  You may have reasons for that, but it makes it harder to mentally categorize him and his friends- which, admittedly, may be your point. 

Yes they are, and no I don't. He's one of the Imps, and it honestly never occurred to me that this might be unclear, simply because it was so very clear to me. [insert powerful expletive here]

And if you're going to hint that someone has "family connections" it helps to tell us why.  Is his family prominent in government?  In the armed forces?  Did he inherit great wealth?  What is it that makes him so certain he's "untouchable?"

Point very much taken.

Thanks again, both of you. Calling your input invaluable would be an understatement.

Silly me, nearly forgot this part: put me on the list for Monday, please!

Nah, I'll take those 30k you wrote in a day last NaNoWriMo. 

You furriners with your strange clocks...

*laughs shamelessly at Silk*

There are still 10 minutes of Monday left hereabouts, but I just couldn't wait. 

Incidentally, would you be so kind as to strike my name from the list of readers? It's taken me long enough, but I've been fairly productive these last days and I'll be wanting to submit something presently, maybe even next week. Glee!

Good thing, too, because starting tomorrow I'll probably be hopelessly bogged down by uni again. Glorious excuses, what would I do without you.

Then you'd have the problem of being seen by animals or other non-humans, am I right? Because I think there'll be a creature that can see you no matter in what part of the spectrum you are. And in that case, it would be highly likely that someone had found out about it and trained one of them accordingly, if invisibility were common enough. Or someone could have constructed goggles... sounds like a great idea, story-wise.

Still, I maintain that you don't need an explanation, even though you now apparently have a scientifically sound one.

I can dimly recall myself announcing that I'd soon be joining the list of submitters two months or so ago... we-ell, since then I've managed to outline the first act (of three, I hope). Thankfully, that wasn't all I spent those two months on (or rather: I spent next to no time at all being in any way productive in that time), but it'll be at least June before I'll be submitting a prologue. My personal deadline is sometime before my birthday, which is in July, and I'm fairly confident that that's realistic. It has to be, seeing as you'd all be laughing at me if I needed until August.

Anyway, I'm not writing a single word until my plot outline is done. Doing that has never worked before, tempting as it may be.

So if you're having self-doubts because you think you're writing too little, simply think of me, my endless pages of fluff, my third of an outline, and my zero-word manuscript.

I fear I have to largely agree on what's been said about the first part. While the introduction by the translator is interesting to read, the only thing the prologue gave me was the impression that reading the following pages might be a bit arduous. Then came the story proper, and I honestly didn't see the point of everything that had gone before anymore - they felt like two completely disconnected tales.

Accordingly, all those "similar" names felt rather forced, especially because of the large number of them. If I were a run-of-the-mill reader, I'd probably have thought "oh, that's quite clever" at the first handful of names, but that would have rapidly declined towards "now he's just showing off".

Overall, I find the entire translation-thing interesting. However, from what I've read, I don't really see the need for all the introductory stuff. Especially since it distracts from the actual story, which I enjoyed reading (and which covered all the important info even without the various prologues, in my opinion).

To the story itself: the fart irritated me only a tiny little bit (and irritate is even to harsh a word). What I found really jarring was the fact that you referred to a scribe's misspelling as a typo.

Anyway, the entire thing about the prophet is great, and now I went away from the PC for an hour and completely forgot what else I wanted to write. Something about how nicely you inserted the info in the non-foreword part, I think.  Suffice it to say, the lack of negative commentary on that part is supposed to be interpreted as positive commentary.