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Messages - jjb

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46
Reading Excuses / Re: Dec 29 - Queen'sOpal - Part 2
« on: December 29, 2008, 09:46:39 AM »
These two (or 1.5) chapters moved the story along and we're hoping going to get some action soon, so that's good. But I would like to see more lower elf interaction, not just T and D with the Kings and Queens of the other elf nations. Sure, they're royalty, but it seems to me like the elves are people who interact regardless of class. And I'm not seeing much of the High elf-> lower elf interaction.

That's all for now. Except for grammar and other little stuff, I thought the story is being moved along quite nicely. Though I've been expecting to see a dragonet pop up randomly.

47
Reading Excuses / Re: Ascension, Chapters 1 & 2 - 12/19/08
« on: December 29, 2008, 09:02:07 AM »
Starting off with a swear word? I guess that could work sometimes, but in this instance it seemed very immature to be me. Especially when you repeated that word in the same paragraph.

And a serene smile doesn't really work for me. To me, serene implies just contentedness with no hint of a smile or from. And later the serene woman smirked. That also seems contradictory.

Also, his violent thoughts towards the woman seem unfounded. Not that he hates her, but that he thinks he can kill her whenever he wants means he's either extremely powerful or extremely arrogant. He's captured, right? So his captors wouldn't have let him keep his sword/knife, whatever blade he uses to kill people. (Okay, I guess you answered that part.) But it seems really dumb of the captors to let him be free to move however pleased him. (And you explained that, too)

Not sure how I feel about this whole Ilyena omniscient thing. No one is able to predict exactly what another person will do. The fact that Raven followed her plan exactly by only injuring her and Valan when he had killed everyone else is too perfect to be believable in the story. I'm interested to see how the story plays out right now, but I don't believe the characters.

Also, why does everytime it switches to Raven's PoV, he says Fu%@? You're trying to show how angry he gets?, but it'd be better if you came up with intelligent words.

48
Reading Excuses / Re: Crystalheart, Chapter 2
« on: December 18, 2008, 03:47:30 AM »
Thanks, Necro, for answering for me. (no sarcasm)

Another weird action/placement thing was when Main A ran at the superhuman. For some reason I thought he was closer to the superhuman, but after Main A's been running a bit Main D starts running and he still gets there faster. Maybe I was wrong in their positionings, but that only shows that your writing wasn't very clear in that aspect.

49
Brandon Sanderson / Re: Table of Allomantic Metals *Spoilers*
« on: December 17, 2008, 12:52:15 PM »
Actually, I think they can be called either. Smoker is just more common.

50
Reading Excuses / Re: Crystalheart, Chapter 2
« on: December 16, 2008, 03:28:44 PM »
Sorry to say I was disappointed with this chapter. It wasn't bad, it just wasn't as good as the first. That could be because it is less polished than the first or it could just be because the whole crystalheart thing isn't new any more. The super crystalheart was a surprising twist in the story and I have no idea how you're going to bring the two mains back from the dead...

A few inconsistencies I noticed:
Main Character A(forget his name) was awakened up by screams and explosions? but later on it says that he notices people finally getting out of their tents and engaging the enemy.

Also, Main A and Main D seemed to have no problem with all the attacking warriors in the camp, but when they were attacked by 18? warriors in the super crystalheart's home they were overwhelmed  way too easily for me. I understand that they were probably in a more confined space and were attacked by all at once, but it seemed way too easy for me.

Good cliffhanger at the end, I guess, though we know Main A is somehow going to come back to life or we just switch to another viewpoint and then we'll stop caring about Main A 'cause we never got to know him.

51
Reading Excuses / Re: Spejoku's Nightlife
« on: December 16, 2008, 10:03:57 AM »
I liked the chapter and I think I'm going to like where you are going with this, but the problem is that I wasn't into it until Trohls? showed up. (And in the subway Caleb said Trohl was "a werewolf, instead of us shapeshifters.")

The whole warring mythological factions in the modern city theme can potentially be a very interesting read (the only other one I remember having read is "The Green and the Gray" by Timothy Zahn and I loved the book).

Not having read the first two chapters, though, isn't going to help our critiques very much. If we don't know what has already been explained, we won't be able to tell you some of the problems.

52
Reading Excuses / Re: Crystalheart, Chapter 2
« on: December 16, 2008, 08:35:56 AM »
Birthright and Aspirations also gave out round 2 today. I think it was agreed that people could submit again if they wanted since once a month is only twelve chapters a year, but I could be wrong.

53
Reading Excuses / Re: Dec 15, 08 - Birthright - Chapter 1
« on: December 16, 2008, 03:00:12 AM »
This is the book with Scriptomancy, yes? I loved the Prologue but I only like the first chapter. That's probably because nothing really happened in it, but...

And I also didn't understand the finger-tapping thing. Revealing what it is later in the book is a good idea, but the problem is that I felt like you were trying to explain how it worked. So if you were trying to explain it, go over that part again. If you weren't trying to explain it, don't give us the significance of the finger-tapping until later on or at least take out some of his 'explaining in his own mind' stuff.

54
Brandon Sanderson / Re: WOT Help
« on: December 05, 2008, 11:30:37 AM »
Perrin is still my favorite character/storyline, but Mat definitely grew on me with the Band of the Red Hand and Daughter of Nine Moons(those names shouldn't spoil anything, should they?)

55
Reading Excuses / Re: Email List + Submission Dates
« on: December 04, 2008, 05:29:45 AM »
Quote from: Karl on December 04, 2008, 05:26:11 AM

And if some folks have all that extra time, they should spend it writing!!

Which is kind of the point of doing more submissions.

56
Reading Excuses / Re: PHYLES Chapter one Pt. 1
« on: December 04, 2008, 05:28:36 AM »
You said the only part of the body the Shaman had uncovered was his eyes, yet she could see the scars on his arms. Or did he pull back his sleeves before he cut into his arms?

"The Shaman shrugged as he rolled back the sleeve on his right arm. “Most people don’t like to watch because they don’t understand that the wielder in most harmed by the blade.” Bloyhia says causally. Phyles’ eyes grow wide. Her eyes follow the blood stained knife as Bloyhia closes his eyes and gently presses the curved blade to his pocked arms. This causes her gaze to transfer to the deep, twisting maze of ravine-like scars in his flesh."

I thought Phyle had seen this many times before, so why did her eyes grow wide?

Right now I don't feel like I know anything about the characters' personality. That could be intentional, something you will focus on in later chapters.


And I got a medieval impression as well.

57
Reading Excuses / Re: PHYLES Chapter one Pt. 1
« on: December 04, 2008, 03:59:31 AM »
Yes, I second the motion that you send it again as a .doc file.

58
Reading Excuses / Re: Crashers
« on: December 04, 2008, 03:52:18 AM »
Split personality, maybe? Schizophrenia?

59
Reading Excuses / Re: Crashers
« on: December 04, 2008, 03:47:49 AM »
I thought it was the dude who looked uber confused whose TK crashed the picture.

And I'm a bit confused by WEKM's two posts there...

60
Reading Excuses / Re: How do you feel about bi-weekly submissions? - please read
« on: December 04, 2008, 02:14:48 AM »
By bi-weekly, I assume people mean bi-monthly? Twice a month instead of twice a week?

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