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Reading Excuses / Re: 11 May 09 - Dangerbutton - UNPROPHESIED - Prologue and Chapter One
« on: May 15, 2009, 01:03:43 AM »
Wow, thank you everyone for the feedback. I'm really thinking this will be helpful.
He was thinking that. Perhaps I should have made it more clear.
I was uncertain of what to do in this situation. With regular dialogue, mere quotation marks signify that someone is saying something, but they are still often followed with "said bob". Do thoughts and dialogue follow different rules in that situation?
Qul is his surname. In the next chapter it refers to a Qul Rezhaad and a Qul Muldesh, both relatives of Qul Gastar. I guess it wont be entirely clear until you see kazhguul of a different family, which isn't too far into the story.
As for the capitalization of Hokuri as opposed to kadur and kazhguul, Hokuri is a nationality, while kadur and kazhguul are species. And, well, the kadur are actually human, but the kazhguul labeled them as kadur to make them feel less-than human. As for how human the kazhguul are, well, RAFO.
Now, Hurn's internal dialogue at the end, you make a very good point. It is a very big leap for someone to even consider the possibility of change when, for 3000 years, there has been none. I have edited to make it be so that he is not so much wondering when change will occur, as he is wondering why things are the way they are. The things he overheard from the Hokuri merchants provide a lot of the fuel for his way of thinking. This is made more clear in the next chapter. His position, and the exposure to the outside world that it provides him with, is what makes him the perfect candidate for one who questions his society.
In regards to the prologue. What Renoard suggested -- that it reads like a translation of ancient myth -- is what I was going for. All of the titles and proper nouns used in the prologue were meant to be vague. This is supposed to be a day in which ancient prophesy is fulfilled. From my experience, a person's first exposure to the doctrines of an unfamiliar religion is full of things they don't understand. All of these strange words and fancy titles obviously mean something, but they have no idea what. I specifically wanted the reader to feel like they were reading something that they weren't a part of, and that they weren't meant to fully understand.
However, to make that more clear, I think I may edit it so that it is an excerpt from some holy text, or perhaps a history.
Do you think that might make it more clear?
Again, thank you all for your feedback. I look forward to sending out the next chapter.
"No mistake made, no matter how small, can be forgiven; not by the kazhguul." I don't see the need for italics unless someone is thinking this.
He was thinking that. Perhaps I should have made it more clear.
"And the look in their eyes, thought Hurn, it’s so. . . so . . . He " Italics signifies that he is thinking this so - no reason to state that. Italics OR say he thought it - not both.
I was uncertain of what to do in this situation. With regular dialogue, mere quotation marks signify that someone is saying something, but they are still often followed with "said bob". Do thoughts and dialogue follow different rules in that situation?
Two issues that arose for me in ch.1:
Early on I got the impression that Qul was a title rather than a name, and that the kadur were property of individual Kazhguul (nazhghul?). When Hurn informs the family that Master Qul Gastar had sent him, I was left wondering if Master Qul was a special rank or if Qul had morphed into a part of his name.
The other was the last line of Hurn's internal voice. He asks, "Will anything ever change?" This didn't work for me, because of the characterization of Hurn as a sort of Sonderkommander. He has obviously acclimated to his role handed down by 3000 years of tradition. What suggests to Hurn that could ever be change. I can understand the How long can we endure, but can Hurn understand a complexity like social change. Seems like he'd want relieve from suffering or escape first.
Less of an issue was the fact that kazhguul and kadur were not capitalized, while Hokuri is. Does this mean that kazhguul and kadur are different species from the Hokuri whom I assume are human?
Qul is his surname. In the next chapter it refers to a Qul Rezhaad and a Qul Muldesh, both relatives of Qul Gastar. I guess it wont be entirely clear until you see kazhguul of a different family, which isn't too far into the story.
As for the capitalization of Hokuri as opposed to kadur and kazhguul, Hokuri is a nationality, while kadur and kazhguul are species. And, well, the kadur are actually human, but the kazhguul labeled them as kadur to make them feel less-than human. As for how human the kazhguul are, well, RAFO.
Now, Hurn's internal dialogue at the end, you make a very good point. It is a very big leap for someone to even consider the possibility of change when, for 3000 years, there has been none. I have edited to make it be so that he is not so much wondering when change will occur, as he is wondering why things are the way they are. The things he overheard from the Hokuri merchants provide a lot of the fuel for his way of thinking. This is made more clear in the next chapter. His position, and the exposure to the outside world that it provides him with, is what makes him the perfect candidate for one who questions his society.
In regards to the prologue. What Renoard suggested -- that it reads like a translation of ancient myth -- is what I was going for. All of the titles and proper nouns used in the prologue were meant to be vague. This is supposed to be a day in which ancient prophesy is fulfilled. From my experience, a person's first exposure to the doctrines of an unfamiliar religion is full of things they don't understand. All of these strange words and fancy titles obviously mean something, but they have no idea what. I specifically wanted the reader to feel like they were reading something that they weren't a part of, and that they weren't meant to fully understand.
However, to make that more clear, I think I may edit it so that it is an excerpt from some holy text, or perhaps a history.
Do you think that might make it more clear?
Again, thank you all for your feedback. I look forward to sending out the next chapter.