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Messages - Dangerbutton

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16
Wow, thank you everyone for the feedback. I'm really thinking this will be helpful.

"No mistake made, no matter how small, can be forgiven; not by the kazhguul." I don't see the need for italics unless someone is thinking this.

He was thinking that. Perhaps I should have made it more clear.

"And the look in their eyes, thought Hurn, itís so. . . so . . . He " Italics signifies that he is thinking this so - no reason to state that. Italics OR say he thought it - not both.

I was uncertain of what to do in this situation. With regular dialogue, mere quotation marks  signify that someone is saying something, but they are still often followed with "said bob". Do thoughts and dialogue follow different rules in that situation?


Two issues that arose for me in ch.1:
Early on I got the impression that Qul was a title rather than a name, and that the kadur were property of individual Kazhguul (nazhghul?).  When Hurn informs the family that Master Qul Gastar had sent him, I was left wondering if Master Qul was a special rank or if Qul had morphed into a part of his name.

The other was the last line of Hurn's internal voice.  He asks, "Will anything ever change?"  This didn't work for me, because of the characterization of Hurn as a sort of Sonderkommander.  He has obviously acclimated to his role handed down by 3000 years of tradition.  What suggests to Hurn that could ever be change.  I can understand the How long can we endure, but can Hurn understand a complexity like social change.  Seems like he'd want relieve from suffering or escape first.

Less of an issue was the fact that kazhguul and kadur were not capitalized, while Hokuri is.  Does this mean that kazhguul and kadur are different species from the Hokuri whom I assume are human?

Qul is his surname. In the next chapter it refers to a Qul Rezhaad and a Qul Muldesh, both relatives of Qul Gastar. I guess it wont be entirely clear until you see kazhguul of a different family, which isn't too far into the story.

As for the capitalization of Hokuri as opposed to kadur and kazhguul, Hokuri is a nationality, while kadur and kazhguul are species. And, well, the kadur are actually human, but the kazhguul labeled them as kadur to make them feel less-than human. As for how human the kazhguul are, well, RAFO.

Now, Hurn's internal dialogue at the end, you make a very good point. It is a very big leap for someone to even consider the possibility of change when, for 3000 years, there has been none. I have edited to make it be so that he is not so much wondering when change will occur, as he is wondering why things are the way they are. The things he overheard from the Hokuri merchants provide a lot of the fuel for his way of thinking. This is made more clear in the next chapter. His position, and the exposure to the outside world that it provides him with, is what makes him the perfect candidate for one who questions his society.

In regards to the prologue. What Renoard suggested -- that it reads like a translation of ancient myth -- is what I was going for. All of the titles and proper nouns used in the prologue were meant to be vague. This is supposed to be a day in which ancient prophesy is fulfilled. From my experience, a person's first exposure to the doctrines of an unfamiliar religion is full of things they don't understand. All of these strange words and fancy titles obviously mean something, but they have no idea what. I specifically wanted the reader to feel like they were reading something that they weren't a part of, and that they weren't meant to fully understand.
However, to make that more clear, I think I may edit it so that it is an excerpt from some holy text, or perhaps a history.
Do you think that might make it more clear?

Again, thank you all for your feedback. I look forward to sending out the next chapter.

17
oh yeah, I haven't updated my email list since December..... That will be done. . . .


EDIT --- Okay, now I sent it to EVERYONE. If you didn't get it, let me know.

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Thanks for reading!

19
Reading Excuses / Re: Email List + Submission Dates
« on: May 06, 2009, 08:27:33 PM »
After several month's on break, I'm ready to submit again. I've got a story I've been working on, bit by bit, during the semester, but now that it's over I should be able to get a regular writing schedule going. So, uh, put me down for submitting again. . . .

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Writing Group / Re: Writing Excuses Episode 632:
« on: April 08, 2009, 12:16:54 AM »
That's not important now. We've gotta figure out a way to save Brandon from becoming a crazed digital entity!

21
Writing Group / Re: Modern Language in Fantasy?
« on: March 22, 2009, 04:15:27 PM »
I've always liked it when author's take the time to come up with words and phrases unique to their setting. Brandon Sanderson I think does a good job with this. Lord Ruler! Shattered Glass! Merciful Domi!
I even noticed in the Harry Potter books that they'll use "Merlin's Beard" as an expletive.
I just tend to find it more interesting when an author does that. I agree that, in some cases, using modern terms is not a big deal, but I would much prefer to see how creative an author can get in developing his world enough to give us some bits of their common phrases and slang.

22
Table-Top Games / Re: Warhammer Fantasy and 40k
« on: March 10, 2009, 04:21:28 PM »
Here's where I'm going to sound like a total poser, but in warhammer 40k: Dawn of war, the computer game, I play as the Tau. Yeah, I'm to cheap to play the table top game. . . stupid expensive tuition. . . .

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Writing Group / Writing Soundtrack
« on: March 01, 2009, 05:15:11 PM »
Last weekend, while at scifi/fantasy symposium, Tracy Hickman was there, and one of the things he talked about, while only briefly, was that he listened to music while writing. I do this too, but mostly because I'm listening to music wherever I'm at. However, he said that he's made different playlists specifically tailored to what he's writing. He's got his action scene playlist, his traveling playlist, his sad scene playlist, whatever.
I was wondering how many of you listen to music while writing, and if so, what?

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Brandon Sanderson / Re: [MISTBORN RPG] Your wish lists, please
« on: February 25, 2009, 08:55:24 PM »
One thing I'd like to avoid is becoming too reliant on die rolls for the outcomes of things.† I hope it would be possible to re-create situations like when Vin fought the more experienced Shan in the first book. It would be nice to have to allow players to pull off the "impossible" every once in a while without worrying about how to make the die rolls work out.
That is completely reliant on the DM.† He can say "Screw the die roll you just do it"

While I agree that it is mostly the GM, I have seen some games where the rules actually support doing crazy cool cinematic things.

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Brandon Sanderson / Re: Hum Drum Sad Pandaness
« on: February 24, 2009, 01:03:05 AM »
Really, once HoA came out and all my questions were answered, I just didnt have much else to say. I still need to read the WoT series, so until then I can't say much. This is actually the first time I've posted in a while. Once more of Brandon's books come out, we'll get some more crazy theorizin goin, I'm sure.

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Brandon Sanderson / Re: [MISTBORN RPG] Your wish lists, please
« on: February 24, 2009, 12:56:31 AM »
Honestly, so long as the action flows, I'm good. With the amount of crazy action in the Mistborn books, I can see a single fight taking way too long if the mechanics aren't perfect. If you get that right, then I'm just fine with whatever else you do with the game.

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Video Games / Re: Favorite MMO
« on: February 01, 2009, 07:19:06 AM »
I favor WoW, mostly because I simply love the warcraft setting. Honestly, I've never felt that the gameplay was that great (well, in any mmo, really), but I just like warcraft. Even then, I've never been very consistent in playing it. I started a week after it was released, played it a lot for the next three months, and then kinda stopped. Every couple months I'd pick it back up and play really hard for a few days,  and then stop again. Early '06 I stopped completely, and didn't touch it 'til wrath came out. I'm still playing, but not a ton. I just can't devote all of my time to just one game. I need to play all games, and mmo's don't leave much room for that

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CCGs / Re: I love Magic:The Gathering but...
« on: February 01, 2009, 07:10:24 AM »
I've never had very many people to play with. I had one friend who played a lot, but he's no longer around. On the rare occasion that my brother in law comes to visit, we play pretty much non-stop, but that's not often. (I think my mom was a bit upset with us for staying inside the whole time at our last family reunion). I tried playing with a group at the college I go to, but it just wasn't the same as with my friends.

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Writing Group / Re: Get rid of all the elves?
« on: January 30, 2009, 11:21:01 PM »
I'm very impressed with the pink power ranger story. Well done.
However, something someone pointed out to me about the power rangers. When it first started, the Black Ranger was african american, the pink ranger a girl (well, she's always a girl), and the yellow ranger an asian. Suspicious. . .

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Writing Group / Re: Get rid of all the elves?
« on: January 30, 2009, 09:04:48 AM »
He's got a point with the Power Rangers

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