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Messages - SkyhunterCommander

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1
I'm just bumping this thread. I am only bumping it because I haven't gotten comments yet, and I don't want it to get lost in the fog that is page 2. (Which does mean that older things are getting comments, which is a good thing)

2
I hope I'm not just repeating what everyone else is saying.

As has been mentioned, your world is intriguing, and there is some good description of it, but nothing of interest really happens. The telling and Serra's dialogue didn't bother me too much, but it was hard to get through both a prologue and a chapter of nothing happening. I would assume that you wouldn't want to add another character in here (which, as Hubay mentioned, would probably help), but there are definitely ways you can make things happen even with Serra being the only character.

Especially with so much emphasis being put on the strange land she is in, you could easily have something unexpected happen that she has to deal with-alone. In that case you would be able to still show how she copes with being alone, while dealing with whatever comes her way, perhaps remembering things she has been taught, etc.

3
I don't have too much to add; the others already touched on the main issue of Black Rose being defeated a bit too easily. I agree with Chaos that if we knew more about the magic and how it worked, that her defeat here would feel more substantial.

I really did like the villain POV. It's not something we get to see often, and as was already mentioned, we're given information without any infodumping- Black Rose's thoughts felt natural.

And while I don't completely understand how the magic works, I was able to figure some of it out and it intrigued me enough to want to learn more about it-in part to understand what the shamans did to defeat Black Rose.

4
Any and all comments/feedback are welcome and appreciated!

Some things I mentioned in the e-mail:

A couple of notes/things I'm looking for feedback on: What I've come to call 'Snevan speak'-the Snevans have a rather strong accent/dialect that leads to a number of sounds, particularly vowel sounds, geting stretched out. As of now, I've written their dialogue phonetically, because I've found that when I read I don't read characters with their accents unless something reminds me of it. My alpha readers are at this time divided-one feels its fine, another finds their dialogue irritating (I am aware that in large doses it can be irritating, which is why I've attempted to limit their amount of dialogue both here and later in the story). Thoughts on that would be appreciated, so I can decide now whether to keep it as is, or simply describe their manner of speaking to the reader and letting it go from there.

Part of the chapter was rewritten at the last minute, so if it feels like it doesn't quite mesh with the rest, please mention it.

Brief Summary: Darkclaw and his new Felinaris allies arrive at Sneva to attempt to get them to join their war against the Galactic Alliance. They are surprised by what they see when they arrive.

Summaries of previous chapters:

Chapter 4: Nayasar is overworking herself, and Felivas demands that she take a mental health day.

Chapter 5: Darkclaw and the Troodons arrive at Selixan Station, a station left by the Saviors, created to rapidly build an army for the Troodons.

Chapter 6: Second Scion Dalcon the Bright joins a mission to find out why all contact was lost from an information storage station three weeks ago. What he finds troubles him.

Chapter 7: Three months have passed, and the Troodons have a fleet and army ready to begin the conquest. Darkclaw leads the fleet to conquer three small star systems which will serve as staging points for the primary offensive.

Chapter 8: Darkclaw is able to conquer the Reathan system, but failed in another matter. He decides to approach the Felinaris with an offer of alliance. He succeeds, but something unexpected happens, something that Darkclaw was not prepared for and did not wish for.

5
Reading Excuses / Re: Email List + Submission Dates
« on: August 12, 2011, 07:53:56 PM »
I (finally) finished chapter nine and I'll have it ready for Monday.

6
Reading Excuses / Re: August 8 – Hubay, Lord Domestic Ch15
« on: August 12, 2011, 07:34:27 PM »
I enjoyed the chapter, (though I do hope we see Hex again). I figured that part of what would happen was seeing that the Nothroi were not the 'savages' the Legion thinks they are, but that's something to be expected when there is a war, so though I kind of expected it, it makes sense. And I like that the Nothroi are not what we've been led to expect so far (and that within them are opposing elements, some of which likely led to how the Legion soldiers think of them).

I am interested in where things are going to go (for example how Jhuz will get away within another chapter or two), but I will also say that I hope that Jhuz doesn't go down the whole 'they're not savages' route, and end up changing sides. I don't see that happening at this point, but it's just something I always worry about when these kinds of situations happen.

I think that so far you're accomplishing what you set out to do (making Jhuz's imprisonment have an impact). While I personally wasn't too shocked by the realities of the Nothroi, it felt like Jhuz was pretty surprised, which is what I think your goal was.

And of course, I want to find out more about what the aim of the Chell is. :)

7
Reading Excuses / Re: July 25 – Hubay, Lord Domestic Ch14
« on: August 01, 2011, 06:34:58 PM »
I liked Hex as well. His strangeness didn't feel forced, so I felt that it worked.

While I noticed some of the same things as akoebel, it didn't bother me very much. The way I understood Hex's explanation of why he kidnapped Jhuz was that he was hired to kill the previous leader of the army, who was already dead, but something relating to how the contract thing worked forced him to have to accomplish the mission regardless, but he had not been sent to kill Jhuz specifically, so he kidnapped him instead.

When he said that he could not kill an innocent, I read that as he could not kill anyone except for whomever he was assigned to kill, not necessarily an 'innocent'.

I think it was a bit unclear about what exactly Hex's mission was (though it could be it's meant to seem strange, given his strangeness), but I think  if it was clearer exactly what his job was, if it was specifically to kill the leader, or just to cause chaos.

8
Here's chapter 8.

As always, any and all feedback is appreciated.

Brief Summary: Darkclaw is able to conquer the Reathan system, but failed in another matter. He decides to approach the Felinaris with an offer of alliance. He succeeds, but something unexpected happens, something that Darkclaw was not prepared for and did not wish for.


Summaries of previous chapters:

Chapter 4: Nayasar is overworking herself, and Felivas demands that she take a mental health day.

Chapter 5: Darkclaw and the Troodons arrive at Selixan Station, a station left by the Saviors, created to rapidly build an army
 for the Troodons.

Chapter 6: Second Scion Dalcon the Bright joins a mission to find out why all contact was lost from an information storage station three weeks ago. What he finds troubles him.

Chapter 7: Three months have passed, and the Troodons have a fleet and army ready to begin the conquest. Darkclaw leads the fleet to conquer three small star systems which will serve as staging points for the primary offensive.

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Reading Excuses / Re: Email List + Submission Dates
« on: July 25, 2011, 12:09:15 AM »
I should have a chapter ready for tomorrow as well.

10
Thanks for the feedback.

I get what you're saying about the battles in the chapter. I have been trying to figure out how to best describe the battles, as Darkclaw is not personally taking part, particularly for the ground parts-I'm fairly pleased with how I managed the depiction of fleet combat, though there wasn't much complicated stuff going on here.

And I am aware of the tension issues. I'm not quite sure what you meant about putting side references about the worlds, Hubay. I think doing that would be the best way to fix this, but I'm not quite sure what you meant. I need to demonstrate the Troodons's strength in this chapter, so I don't want to have problems occur early on, but I agree that I can ratchet up the tension a bit. However, this chapter should be the only one where battles are so simple, and where battles are the center of the chapter. But I would appreciate suggestions on how I could make this chapter more interesting without changing its events much.

Starting in the next chapter, I'm going to have Darkclaw dealing with issues not necessarily battle related, which will give him a conflict not directly tied to the fighting, and relegate the battles to tools to tell the story, not the story itself. It is a character based story, not a plot-based one.

The difficulty with writing Darkclaw is that he is an emotionless being. I am trying to keep him that way, while still making him engaging. Any suggestions on how to make him 'deeper' would be appreciated. And I will say that yes, he is the main protagonist, and that him being emotionless is crucial to his story arc.

Hopefully most of what I said made any sense. I stayed up too late again working on chapter 8....

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Reading Excuses / Re: July 11 – Hubay, Lord Domestic Ch13
« on: July 20, 2011, 05:49:30 AM »
Coming to this as late as I am, I feel like just about everything I would have said was mentioned already.

I enjoyed the chapter, it read well as was engaging. I liked the surprise about the Jackal, and I look forward to reading more about him. Whether or not he was telling the truth here, I want to see more of him. His ability is very cool, and I'm just enjoying him overall. (Personally, I hope he was not lying, because if he ends up betraying them, we would see him less, if he survives at all.

I will agree with what other have said regarding the scene of Ezlio talking to Jhuz, I felt like it didn't need to take place when it did, with the whole thing with the Jackal being what we want to see.

Apart from that, I don't have much more to add, everyone else was pretty thorough, and repeating things won't add much.

Now I just want to find out who the attacker was.

12
Wow, thanks for taking the time to give such detailed feedback. I agree with just about everything you mentioned; I'm aware now of a number of instances where things were a bit off both due to my lack of knowledge about certain things, or just plain errors.

The only thing I will comment on now is on the issue of Darkclaw's decision to leave people alive, and his actions, since it is the only thing mentioned that I am unlikely to change.

Quote
This doesn't make any sense to me.  Now, they're aliens, so they're expected to think it strange ways, so it might work.  Tactically, though, why try a subterfuge while leaving 70 or so intelligent beings who saw you plan the subterfuge?  Unless it comes up later as a misdirection or distraction, it makes no sense at all.  On the other hand, if they all disappeared (except for the bodies of the guards, maybe?) it might be more likely to look like piracy/slavery (if any underground or black-market slave trade exists in your galaxy).   That would also give Darkclaw a continuing source of information well beyond what he might get from even the most comprehensive library.

Much of it is because Darkclaw indeed does not think the same way we would. At that point his goal was to simply get what he wanted without allowing the station to call for aid. I think I mentioned earlier that his reasoning for not simply killing everyone was that the Galactic Alliance be more likely to initiate a thorough investigation if everyone was gone (expecting slavers, etc), while they would take a more reactive attitude about something that appeared to be a pirate raid. (He could not risk an Alliance fleet finding the Troodons and their station before they were ready) For the same reason he didn't simply order the station destroyed. Also, at that point, the very limited knowledge of the Galactic Alliance led him to feel that they would not come after what looked like pirates, and that even if they spoke to the survivors and heard what they had to say, that no immediate action would be taken because of both lack of a reason to assume something larger was afoot, and because any established government does not want to find problems to deal with.


Quote
If he didn't monologue about his plans to his people, he's the first commander I've read (from an admittedly small sample of 2 chapters) who didn't.  I brought this up in the last time, and you gave the credible answer that the High Lord (IIRC) liked to pontificate and explain himself to his juniors.  That's fine, but here we have another commander who seems to take every chance he can to explain, in detail, exactly why he's ordering what he does.  And Dalcon isn't much better when he gets to talk, although it is more to the point, and could also be explained/improved by making it a diction thing for him.

You might have misunderstood what I wrote previously. When I said that he didn't monologue to the people, I was referring to the people he left alive on the station, that he didn't announce to them, 'we are going to invade you'. He only explained his actions to other Troodons in earlier chapters because of their lack of knowledge. And the High Lord, as you mentioned, enjoys explaining himself.

As the story progresses, and more organized military action is taken, there will be significantly less explaining, especially in Darkclaw's case, as I showed (or at least attempted to) in chapter 7.

13
Again, sorry for getting the chapter out so late.

As I mentioned in the email, most of the planet/system names are whatever I thought of just before sending otu the chapter, so they are all subject to change. And, if any technical aspects of things such as travel times or fleet sizes feel off, don't hesitate to mention it. I'm still trying to figure out what feels best while working with the plot.

And as always, any sort of feedback is useful and appreciated.

Brief Summary: Three months have passed, and the Troodons have a fleet and army ready to begin the conquest. Darkclaw leads the fleet to conquer three small star systems which will serve as staging points for the primary offensive.


Summaries of previous chapters: (there may have been a slight formatting error with the summaries in the email)


Chapter 3: The Troodons, before building their army, are ordered to raid an information station-essentially a giant library- on the edge of Galactic Alliance space to learn what they can about their eventual enemy. Darkclaw sends his subordinate Praetor Keeneye to lead the mission, and watches through a helmet feed. The station is captured without incident, and Darkclaw completes his mission. He relates this to the High Lord, who instructs him to set a course for a hidden station where they will build an army.

Chapter 4: Nayasar is overworking herself, and Felivas demands that she take a mental health day.

Chapter 5: Darkclaw and the Troodons arrive at Selixan Station, a station left by the Saviors, created to rapidly build an army for the Troodons.

Chapter 6: Second Scion Dalcon the Bright joins a mission to find out why all contact was lost from an information storage station three weeks ago. What he finds troubles him.

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Reading Excuses / Re: Email List + Submission Dates
« on: July 09, 2011, 12:10:59 AM »
I should hopefully have another chapter ready for next week.

15
Thanks for the feedback.

Hubay- Correct me if I'm wrong, but what I think you are saying is that I should try and make Dalcon feel a bit more alien, which I agree I can work on a bit. My only worry is that I don't want to go too far and make a character so alien that they are unrelatable.

What I'm less clear on is what your issue with the use of the word 'alien' and 'invasion' was. Was it just to keep things from feeling too 'modern day'? Both words, to me, at least, feel generic enough that they would be used.

And as far as the Scion-Spectre comparisons go, I am wary. It helps that I'm a big enough Mass Effect fan to notice if things feel too 'Spectre-y' (Though incidentally, I came up with the Scions before playing Mass Effect, not that it matters much.)


akoebel- I'm glad you liked the POV. While he will be a minor POV here, I do intend to give him a larger role eventually (sequel, etc.)

The only reason I included that chapter was to emphasize his feeling that something bad happened-I could probably condense it or cut it if need be.

Thanks for catching the 'lead scion' / 'first scion' thing. I previous drafts, the rank was 'Lead Scion', but I decided to change it to 'First Scion'. I guess I unconsciously used the old rank by accident.

The cape was meant to be a more ceremonial piece of clothing. I considered having him mention that, but I worried it would be too much telling to have him randomly bring it up. I could add something in, or get rid of it altogether. It's not something crucial.

As far as the supreme commander leading the teams, I believe I mentioned at some point that he had been a combat officer in the past, which might preclude him to want to go in first, particularly as he is aging-and, in an attempt to deny it, goes in first. Also, he believes that if anything, it's pirates, who he does not fear at all. It's not the best idea, but as he is in charge, he can do as he pleases. And as far as him coming on the mission, again as a former combat officer, people in his position can get very bored with administrative work all day-why not go on an investigative mission that will at best be only somewhat dangerous? I probably should add more objections though.

I probably could put in something about Dalcon considering getting another weapon once he realizes he left his. I didn't think of it. Regarding his helmet though, I mentioned (or meant to mention) that scans of the station showed life support was functioning, and a helmet would only serve as head protection ,which Dalcon isn't too worried about.

I probably could change it to have the whoel team explore together. It does make more sense than splitting up, though it may lengthen the chapter.

On to the Troodons's reasons for leaving people alive. I thought I went through Darkclaw's reasoning in the chapter where he took the station (though it may have been another case of knowing things then forgetting to include it because it feels obvious to me). Darkclaw's reason was that if he killed everyone on the station, the attack would look more like a professional attack, and would garner more attention, possibly leading to a full-on hunt for the perpetrators, rather than simple patrols-which could spell disaster if they're discovered before they are ready. Also, he was of the opinion that none in the Galactic Alliance would feel there was any major threat- it's not the first thing most would assume, and it's not like he monologued about his plans to the people

Oh, and the data thing. I was viewing the station as a public database- but even public libraries today require you to have a card or something to log onto computers, online databases require accounts. So the Troodons just needed someone to log in to the computer. That's why it didn't matter who it was.

I hope I don't come off as arguing about any of the issues; they're all things I should look back at, whether I change something or not. I just want to explain why something was how it was, what I was thinking, or as the case may be, realize that I messed up somewhere.

And I'm glad you found the last scene interesting- while Dalcon is a minor viewpoint, he will still be a major player, and he will have a fairly important subplot going on, part of which is related to that scene.

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