Timewaster's Guide Archive

Found this on the web awhile ago (sorry don't have the link or I'd post to give credit).
Anyway, I thought some hardcore gamers might get a laugh or two out of it.
Would love to read more if anyone has some. 

THINGS I AM NO LONGER ALLOWED TO DO WHILE RPG'ING:

I cannot yell "FREEBIRD" every time the bard makes a perform roll.

I may not derail the adventure for a two hour in-character discussion on the qualities of rope.

Anything the DM has to ponder the full impact of for more than a minute is forbidden.

I cannot get emotionally attached to any generic nondescript unnamed NPC.

I cannot gradually describe my character more and more until it's obvious I'm describing Burt Reynolds in Cannonball Run.

My life long nemesis is not allowed to be the unsuspecting cleric sitting across the table from me.

The monk's official title is Brother of the Lotus Path. Not the Slap Happy Jappy.

My monk's battle cry is not "Round 1: Fight!"

It is not ok to use 10,000 rounds to kill two sentries.

If I can fit my head down the gun's barrel, I can assume it doesn't have the non-lethal option.

If I have to 'ho out' myself and/or a fellow pc to afford it, I can't have that gun.

We will not implement any battle plan that includes the underlined words "And hope they miss a lot"

Whether it's fair or not, my thief will not insist we take turns checking for traps.

If, after a night of heavy drinking, the party wakes to find a chariot upside down in a fountain, I'd better not be the prime, usual or only suspect.

My monk's lips must be in sync.

My thief's battle cry is not "Run And Live"

Nor is it "You take care of the orcs, I take care of the traps"

Victory laps after killing the dragon with my 1d2 bow is considered in poor taste.

My warrior cleric will not pick his deity solely on the god's BAB.

I will not convince the entire party to play Amish for the cyberpunk campaign.

If an NPC is known as the "One" I cannot volunteer to be the "Two".

A full minute of stunned silence means "My God what did you do?" not "Please continue."

I will stop snickering every time the monk announces he's touching someone with his quivering palm.

Paladins are immune to STDs, but if I take advantage of this ability, I lose it. Wonderful paradox, isn't it?

Every time a PC takes himself out through his own stupidity does not give me the right to sing the Oompa-Loompa song.

I can't have a magic item I can't request with a straight face.

My fighter cannot take the flaw: Addiction - stabbing things

When deciding what to do with the ancient alien artifacts we discovered,  EBAY is not an option.

There may not be a Mr. "of Arc", but no, I still can't hit on her.

Burning my bard song on CD and putting it on repeat does not mean the effect never ends.

We do not settle disputes in Paper-Rock-Scissors with games of Vampire.

Even if infinitely useful, absolute power over elastics is not an appropriate super power.

No paraphrasing the party leader's elaborate plan as 'pick somebody you don't like and let them know it.'

My doctor's bag will contain more than just a bone saw and a bottle of whiskey.

Check the door means to listen at it, not put several rounds through it.

When a virgin sacrifice is demanded I will not look knowingly at the paladin, netrunner or Hermetic.

We can't all play bards just to relive our favorite Spinal Tap moments.

I will not make my castle's halls 9x9x9' to keep out gelatinious cubes.

I will not cast Darkness at the Magic Missle

When the guy is at -9 hp, it is not acceptable to make him convert to my religion before I heal him.

I can not insinuate that all elf chicks are easy, even though you never hear about a half-gnome, do you?

I am not allowed to repeat the phrase ""How much war could a Warforged forge if a Warforged could forge war?"

I will not say "I am one with the twig," every time I successfully pass a hide check.

I am not allowed to carry a 10-ft pole with me everywhere just so I can say "I wouldn't touch that with my 10 ft pole!"

I am no longer allowed to role-play all dwarves as Scottish, Vikings, or Russians. Nor any combination there of.

I am now required to have an ability score of at least 6 in all stats, including those I deem "useless."

Regardless of its plausibility, my Half Orc is not on a Professional Gnome Tossing/Punting/Bowling Team.

Gnomes are not food, unless my subtype is Undead.

I am no longer allowed to play characters with the Undead subtype.

The following are not acceptable choices for the Profession Skill: Pimp, Prostitute, Village Idiot, Curmudgeon, Drunk.

I am required to be able to speak, read, or write at least one language.

Gold is not an acceptable substitute for a Diplomacy check, regardless of how much of  it I have.

I'm not allowed to play the victory tune from any videogame each time we win a fight.

When playing superhero games I am no longer allowed to create hobo heroes like Bumrush and Dr. Derelict.

I cannot name my dire boar mount Harley.

No matter how sanctified my character is, he does not urinate holy water.

When investigating evil cultists I am not allowed to just torch the decrepit mansion from the outside.

I'm no longer allowed to utter the phrase "I mettle, therefore I am." before I do something that the rest of the party has strongly advised against.

I will not let the Manticore out of his cage, just because he asks nicely.

I will not name my animal companion/familiar the same name as the DM's real life pet, and then make fun of it's name.

I am no longer allowed to orbital strike the enemy capitol with meteors from on high, even if it is technically feasible and especially if the accuracy is on the order of  continents, and I insist on trying until I get it right.

I may no longer say "Hello, my name is Luke Skywalker. You killed my father. Prepare to die".

Nobody is allowed to be Cookie the Gay Wookie anymore, because that was just wrong on many levels.

I am no longer allowed to catapult flaming dwarves.

I am no longer allowed to catapult flaming balls of poop.

I am no longer allowed to catapult trolls.

I am no longer allowed close to, near, or around catapults of any kind

I am not allowed to rub the monk's head for luck.

When one person forgets to buy rations offering to eat the sexy female half-elf is not our first option.

I may nail every single female party member except for the elf chick played by that creepy guy.

I am forbidden from replacing anything with Folger's crystals to see if they notice.

I am neither the pagan god nor goddess of fertility.

I cannot name my character Xagyg or any anagram thereof.

I am not directly descended from either Huey Lewis or any member of the News.

There are no rules for cooking 'gnome dogs' in any d20 supplement.

A starting character has no need for 100gp worth of hemp rope.

I cannot use a silent feat enabling power word stun and blame it on the dog.

I no longer allowed to polymorph anyone into Abe Vigoda.

A one man band is not an appropriate bard instrument.

Plan B is not automatically twice as much gunpowder as Plan A.

When surrendering I am to hand the sword over HILT first.

Drow are not good eating.

Polka is not appropriate marching music.

There is no such thing as a Gnomish Pygmy War Rhino.

The backup trap handler is not whoever has the most HP at the time.

I am not allowed to base any Droid off any character played by Joe Pesci.

I am not allowed to convince the entire party to play R2 units.

Gnomes do not have the racial ability 'impromptu kickstand'.

No longer allowed to set nazi propaganda music to a snappy disco beat.

No longer allowed to apply 3 bottles of nair to our wookie party member as he sleeps.

The elf is restricted to decaf for the rest of the adventure.

No longer allowed to use the time machine for booty calls.

My bard does not know how to play Inna Godda Davida on maracas.

Can no longer pimp out other party members without their prior consent.

Before facing the dragon, I am not allowed to glaze the elf.

In the middle of a black op I cannot ask a guard to validate parking.

Expended ammunition is not a business expense.

Not allowed to short sheet the bedroll of impotent deities.

I am not allowed to do anything I saw Han Solo do once.

There is no Summon Bimbo spell.

There is no Kung Fu manuever called "McGuire Swings For Bleachers"

There is no 'annoy' setting on a phasor.

There is more to wizardry than magic missile. Even if I can do 200 damage automatic with no save.