Timewaster's Guide Archive

For this week, I am sending a short story I wrote recently: "Apostle of Death."

Was it just me/my account, or was there no story attached to the email?

I won't rehash what others have said (I hope).

Regarding the beginning, it is often supposed to set up the conflict that is resolved at the end -- something I'm having a problem with, so I'm looking at it also.  Right now, Tommy goes right into the books and doesn't know how to get out.  Is that the big obstacle?  If the overarching problem is something outside the books, we probably need to see an example of that before we hop into the first one.

The other thing about first person I would mention is that it is strongly tied to personality.  Right now I get hints and touches of Tommy's personality, but it's not consistent enough to keep me avidly reading.  As it stands, I would keep reading for a while, but run the risk of getting bored or setting it down and never getting back to it.

Onto details.  Most of my hunting experience is second-hand, but from what I know, an arrow through the heart will stop a buck very quickly.  Quickly enough you won't need a wolf pack to track it.  It's the shot every bow-hunter tries for, come fall.

I agree a horse would make carrying a buck much easier, but there are a couple of problems with how it is shown in this chapter.  First, taking a horse through woods with close undergrowth is difficult, and often not worth it.  Second, it would take a very well-trained horse to not shy and keep away from blood -- they are prey animals, and blood means predators.  It would be an amazingly well-trained horse that would allow a bloody carcass on its back.  Also, two strong men could carry it, especially field-dressed.  It's not easy, but doable.  This is all separate from the historical accuracy (or not -- it is after all fiction within fiction) of having horses to be tamed by people wherever the story takes place.

Also, I wasn't entirely sold on the description of the skinning.  It looked accurate enough to me, but I was hoping for a couple more strong, vivid details (from Tommy's perspective, of course).

I was also surprised by Reule not mentioning Tommy's odd behavior, but I was also surprised that Tommy didn't do more odd things.  Especially the dirt, as others have mentioned, but why didn't Tommy stop to wash off, or suggest Reule did?

Finally, if the wilderness is as big and trackless as suggested, why not kill the members of a competing tribe?  If the other people just disappeared one day, who knows what accident got them?  (I guess one member did run away, but the wolves could presumably run him down also).

Finally, nice touch with being married at the end.  On the other hand, it surprises me also, since that means the character Tommy took over from is somewhat older than I expected.

To start with, why show the bit where Ciera ducks to avoid the assistant?  To me, it doesn't seem to reveal much more in the way of character, and if it's foreshadowing for her ducking away from Lorn at the end of the chapter, I agree with Will777r that it would be stronger to get to that part.

You mention spending the last half-chime reading books cover-to-cover.  Now, I know you probably meant that is Ciera's method of cataloging them, but to me it seemed like you were saying she could read all the new ones in that half-chime.

The scene with Denalia bugs me.  First off, I thought that they already had a confrontation about the reports in Chapter 6?  (I just checked, and they did cover some of this.)  She didn't once ask Denalia if she'd checked the reports for accuracy -- which is one of the first defenses of people who believe they've done the work required and are being unfairly targeted.  I'm willing to accept she blindly claimed new methods for doing them, since she felt the need for some explanation. 

My main complaint, however, is that it seems to me like Ciera gave in to Denalia far, far too easily.  So easily I saw it as a plot contrivance to keep Ciera there late.  If it was a half-time until quitting, not even Denalia could expect Ciera to finish before leaving (and she doesn't), so it is clear Ciera is being asked to work late to do so.  Does she have no power to negotiate back?  At all?  The board is mentioned, but surely if she was able to do the inventory during the next day (instead of overnight), the board would still side with her rather completely.  Beyond that, there could be any number of reasons she was able to work faster (even with her "new methods") in that particular section that she could use as reasons to get more time.  She's more familiar with that section, she was already building off of previous work she knew had been done, etc., etc.  She doesn't show the least hint of her mouth talking back like a few minutes before, or anything, and I expected something there.

You're the author, so I imagine you can figure out something to do better than I can, but that was a spot where I really thought the characters were puppets with the strings being pulled for the plot, rather than naturally leading into it.

Another small note on chronology:  You have the beginning of this chapter after we've "seen" Lorn get into the library, but it seems to go back before he even makes the attempt to get in.  If there's not an overriding reason otherwise, I generally prefer to read in chronological order, and this messes it up.  It took me a bit to reassure myself that this wasn't the next day, with Ciera (or someone) going to discover a bunch of books missing.  This was despite the fact that I recognized the setup for having Ciera meet Lorn.

I also thought Ciera was too chatty and helpful with Lorn, but my problems started when she discovered a man in the library.  A Man!  In The Library!!  But she has no immediate reaction other than "he's a little short for a man, with a lean build and elegant demeanor.  Oh, let's look at his clothes and figure out what he does for a living."  If men can't get into the library, that should be enough to give her a good jolt of surprise, if not shock, just right there.  I don't think it was the best time to give the description, at least -- and anyway, we all know it's Lorn.  Who else could it be?

I liked the cleverness of using other paper instead of the books, but like the others I also wonder about the sounds and the availability of paper.

Is there any particular reason Lorn would give her his name?  Especially before they make it out of the library?  And why his name, rather than a fake one?

Also, Lorn should have torn and bleeding hands in this chapter, after the end of the last one.  Or bandaged ones, or something.

I'm a bit late getting to this one, and I see a lot of my comments have been covered by others.  I'll try not to pile on, but note where I agree with them on the bigger things.

I agree with the others about the opening: First line good, next paragraph odd.  I think a lot of my problems with the few paragraphs after the opening is that it makes me think that her father is still alive, and probably set the soldiers out to guard/protect/escort her.

I was intrigued by the tranquil, and the thought of a character (potentially) addicted to something at the beginning of the story.  Additionally, Medora's circumstances are good to get sympathy from the reader.  Like the others, however, I didn't feel like I was getting as much as you possibly intend, and I also think it's from a bit of the swings in her apparent thoughts and purpose.  I was especially confused by the setup which cast the conflict as a political one (she steps forward because she needs the political gain), but then turns out she had another plan entirely.

I assume there is a reason for Davensworth and Devos to have such similar names, but I was somewhat confused by the two being similar.  Additionally, I got confused about what is named what, geography-wise.  First I thought Davensworth was the city, but then Medora has finally returned to Sanctuary (home of the capital), and at this point I started wondering which name was what -- is Davensworth the city or the country?  Is Sanctuary the country or the city?  Or is Sanctuary a part of the city, or a building?  Especially the "Sanctuary's perpetual sunlight" part made me think a temple or small part of the city, since it would take more power (I assume, not knowing anything else) to light up a larger area like that than a smaller.

On the other hand, perhaps it is Sanctuary's perpetual sunlight similar to San Diego's.  Not really, and it still has a day/night cycle, but exaggeration for effect.  If so, I'm sure you know to be careful about that early in a fantasy story.

Saril is first referred to as her adopted father when he's introduced, but he seems to be filling a much different role in this chapter.  In fact, except for protecting her and some concern for her well-being, I didn't think he acting like her adopted father at all.  You might consider saving that tidbit for later, or leavening it with other information (Emissary, etc.).

Haiden is apparently quite skilled at Cerebrancy.  Why doesn't Medora think about that as another reason he would win over the masses when she's first thinking about him?  Also, more on Cerebrancy: it might not be required, but it seems likely the person practicing cerebrancy would need to know what their target was thinking, in order to be as skillful as Haiden is described.  If that was the case, I would expect him to also be able to tell when she's thinking about using her knife.  And if *that* is the case, how does she even hope to get close enough to use her knife on him?  Especially when he's *actively* using cerebrancy on (Cerebranting?) her?

The dialog is somewhat confusing when the two are talking about all things being fine someday.  In particular, it appears Saril says that Medora is lying when she claims to not be committing suicide.  So, he thinks she is committing suicide?  Also in that paragraph, immediately after the "You are lying" text, Medora's name appears as the instigator of the action.  The first name after the dialog text should probably be Saril, to be clear. (assuming I am correct that he had said the words).

Lots of references to Kurick, and to Medora's father, and switching back and forth is hard on me in the beginning.

The first reference to the Populist leaders is devoid of context for me, so I don't know that Haiden is a Populist until we get there.

Do all of the speakers have Arjean solders?  I was confused if it was just Medora's soldiers fighting against the riot once it broke out, or if all of them were.

When Medora starts to apologize, Saril says it doesn't matter "any longer".  This makes me think he's about to abandon her -- probably not immediately, because he's charged with keeping her safe.  But once she's safe, he's gone.  This impression doesn't mesh well with the thought of him being her adopted father.

Finally, some grammar nits to pick to send you on your way.  These sentences stuck out as I read them:
* "Hope dying, and that the only thing left to do is wage war."
* "... captivated more by Thane’s speech than to throw mangoes at Medora’s group."
* "Perhaps unsurprisingly, his hair [had changed]. But more surprising, [his clothes]...."
* "She wouldn’t have known enough to recognize his impressions on her thoughts." (I was confused which timeline she wouldn't have known this in.)
* '“War,” Haiden said, facing the citizens, [is dirty...]' (Is he addressing the citizens, or merely looking at them while addressing Medora?)
* "Her soldier blocked the blow, and the knife’s hilt struck him, instead of its point." (I was confused as to the antecedent of "him".)

Of course, I immediately notice two mistakes in the email.  The subject should also have said Chapter 3, and in the text I also refer to it as chapter 2, instead of chapter 3.  Sorry about that, everyone.

I agree that Hex seems fine so far.

My biggest question, and one I assume is address elsewhere in the text, is how big of an area Hex can make invisible, and how selective it can be.  Apparently it was enough to get Jhuz out of the camp.

Hex talking about apples, not eggs: He lied about the first part (the apple's not poisoned).  It makes me wonder what else he's lied about.

Since the Servants of the Eight were legendary, and Jhuz knows about them and their talent, it seems odd that a couple of things would be as they were earlier in the story.  Not horribly unfixable, but odd.  The first is that Jhuz noticed things moving that could easily be explained by an invisible person, and he doesn't even think about the possibility.  The second is the body-guarding routine; I would think it would change some from our routine it there was a serious chance of invisible people.  For one thing, Jhuz likely would't be left to wander into his tent until either it's been checked by the guards and/or bodyguards, or the bodyguards would stay very close while he was in the tent.  In fact, they'd probably be in there with him.  I'm sure some other changes would be made as well; you might want to think of a few.  The alternative might be that nobody really thought Jhuz would be worth a contract, so they didn't bother doing the job as well as they ought to,

Finally, I wonder about the use of the word "poison."  It can certainly stand, but it makes me think of fatal poisoning.  I don't know off-hand what might be a better word, either.

Overall, it was quick and fun.  I'm looking forward to reading more.

I agree with the others that it read more quickly than I expected.  That's a good thing.  There were pages where nothing really wrong jumped out and made me take notes.

On an overview, I'm not sure why this whole submission is one chapter.  I thought it felt like there were a couple of places it could naturally break, with the best one being at Darkclaw's departure to see the alliance.

At the start, I was very confused at the placement of the relative ships.  My recollection from the last chapter is that the Troodon force was already at the planet and in range of the ground-based defenses when the League ships entered the system from Hyperspace.  However, the beginning section is written as if the League ships are between the Troodon and the planet.  The rest of the battle plays out that way, as well.  This especially caught my attention when Darkclaw thinks that the fleet can't surround the planet, but it seems as if he had time to begin doing so even before the League shows up.

Regarding the planet's batteries, Darkclaw orders the locations of them found.  Would his crew truly not have done that without an order?  Since that was all they faced at first, I would think someone would show a touch of initiative and do that.  Also, near the beginning of this section Darkclaw thinks of the batteries as the more pressing problem, despite the fact that a) he's worried about the League ships being able to get away, and b) it's not like the ground batteries are going anywhere, and c) he can keep his ships out of range of the batteries as necessary.

The League ships are mentioned as being unable to fight back as they fled.  Why in the world would that be?  And if it is the case, the League commanders should be trained in a scenario like this, and choose some ships to fight back in order to give the messenger ships a chance to get away.

Some grammar in this section: "He though for a moment, and then a thought occurred to him."  (typo, and repetitive).  "The ship commander, in particular, had performed particularly well thus far." (repetitive)  "At this pace, they would not catch them."  (unclear)  "He was not among those appointed by the High Lord to high positions, and thus had no gift, but Darkclaw had seen fit to appoint a non-clone to that position."  (unclear, mostly in the context of the paragraph)

Referring to the Wraiths as "units" kept me thinking that there was only one being assigned to each attack.  This is probably due to a mild video-game background building units.

Since the High Lord ordered the clones made, why does he care in particular which spots are filled with clones, and which aren't?

They obviously have faster-than-light communication of some sort, that works remarkably well, since Darkclaw can have a conversation with the High Lord.  (Apparently, so does the High Lord's telepathy, or whatever he's using on Darkclaw.)  You may have addressed this before, but given the existence of this, why does killing the League ships even benefit them?  The league ships should have been immediately communicating to their superiors once they entered a system that was under attack.  You mentioned communication platforms (boosters or some such) in previous chapters, but if at all possible the League patrol should have their own booster along, as a contingency just for situations like this.

The very last paragraph of this section, after Darkclaw orders the ships to depart, is probably unnecessary and I think detracts from the strength of the end of the section.

More tactical stuff: The Felinaris detect ships on "long range scanners", well enough to determine they don't recognize the ships.  This happens before they emerge from hyperspace.  Given this information now, I suddenly wonder how any of the Troodon ships ever snuck up on the worlds they have conquered already.  Wouldn't those worlds also have scanners?  In addition, if the technology is available, wouldn't Darkclaw use it to keep from being surprised by any League Navy patrols, such as the one that surprised him just recently?

How in the world can Nayasar determine that Darkclaw is male, having never seen the species before?  Especially since she doesn't have any other members of the species to compare him to?

Grammar: "took a moment to close her moth before affirming." (spelling)  The explanation of the meaning of the Felinari words was hard for me to understand as it is written now.  "To be honest, I didn’t have allocation in mind..." (spelling)  "Compared to the more lavish halls and rooms her had seen earlier" (should be "he had seen".)  "You Majesty" (spelling) "a more worth alliance" (spelling)  "though he could not indentify it" (spelling), and in that same paragraph "things" instead of "thing". 

It seems odd that an unemotional being would think it's illogical to have a small person in a position of power.  Could he not conceive of any reason why Nayasar might be appointed to that spot?  None?

Darkclaw telling them the number of ships he has tells them nothing but that he potentially has a lot of small ships.  Without sizes, that information is nearly meaningless.

How good of a strategist is Darkclaw if he was completely unprepared for a potential ally to ask why he is attacking?

It seems odd that a shuttle could only go three times the speed of a land-based animal, even if that animal can go quickly.

When contemplating accents, Darkclaw mentions the sound didn't come from either standard or the Felinari's tongue.  Where would it have come from, then?

Why would a ship not be allowed to have bright lights?

It seems odd that a logical, non-emotional being would think it's obvious that he is near the seat of power based on the decorations, or that he would even notice them except to note the frivolousness of them.

Admiral Felivas is in the waiting room to see the king, with an unknown species, in a diplomatic setting, and he leans against a wall to wait?

Near the end, Nayasar says she wasn't sure the king would accept, but she was sure he would.  Well, which one was it?

This looks like a lot of commenting, but it was a long piece as well.

I generally agree with the other comments so far in that it seems like the Albione discovers problems with the temple chapters are starting to stretch a bit.  Perhaps a few of the less important parts could be removed.  On the other hand, some wordsmithing to tighten them up would probably do wonders as well.

I also agree about mentioning other gods earlier, somehow.  At least a passing mention to a couple of them (besides the dark elf god) would do a lot to remind the reader that Alazon is only one of a group, in this world and religion.

For the first part of this chapter, I was wanting a stronger negative reaction to Eld from Albione, possibly along with passing guilt for feeling that way about a fellow priest.  Also, Albione thinking "now for the snide remark" didn't work well for me.  Realistically, most people would probably think that.  However, I'd like for Albione to be just slightly better than that, which means thinking something else.  Perhaps even being disappointed by the remark.

As for the snide remark itself, I didn't see the humor in it when I read it.  Is "offered your services" supposed to be a euphemism (which I doubt)?  It doesn't seem very snide to me either, merely petty.  The good news is that you've got plenty of time to improve the remark, if you feel it needs it.  You don't need to come up with the banter in only the time it would take to converse naturally.

When Nade says "It'd be the first time", the "it'd" threw me.  I read that as a contraction of "it would", which is usually used to refer to something in the future, while the battle where it happened is in the past.

Also, "anyone with a bit of sense knew it wasn't that simple": I would change the "knew" to "should know", since apparently nobody around him knows that.  Of course, the way it's written says a lot about how much sense those around him have.

In the rest of that section, I thought there was a lot of dialog and description intermixed.  A lot of the description is believable and realistic, but not necessarily illuminating of the character and can usually be imagined by a shorter description, in my opinion.

For the next scene, recording the sessions, I wondered right at the beginning why they are even recording what is said.  It is one thing to record the gifts, judgements, awards, actions, etc. that result from the sessions, but why use paper on recording the sessions themselves.  I guess I'm assuming this is similar to our medieval times where paper/parchment/vellum was moderately scarce, so maybe it's just fine.  It is something that made me stop reading and consider, however.

The paragraph with the nobleman wanting a property ruling caused a bunch of comments from me.  First of all, it seems like the temple is selling their services for "donations".  It's made pretty clear later as well.  Of course, as readers we're supposed to see it like that while Albione isn't able to (yet).  I just wanted to say I thought this was one of the best and most straightforward indications (in the parts I've read) that the temple has problems that go beyond a bad superior or two and a grudge against a rival organization.

Second, the nobleman wanted a positive ruling from the temple in a property dispute.  This made me wonder if the temple had jurisdiction in the dispute, bearing in mind all of the side effects and repercussions if they do.  Perhaps they only have jurisdiction in their part of the city?  But if so, why would a nobleman seek them out?

If the temple does have jurisdiction, the paragraph makes it pretty blatant to me at least that the temple is selling it's judgements for donations, and that seems even worse to me than just selling the services.  After all, there's a justification (however bad we and Albione think it is) for requiring a donation for the services.

I liked the part with the woman and Albione wanting to help heal the child, or do something.  It could probably use polish, but it's a good scene.  The biggest problem I have with it is that I think it loses some effectiveness with the parts added to the beginning and end (him going through the other sessions).

Also, Albione has estates of some sort.  How likely is it he'd be able to donate the gold coin for the healing of the child?  And how would Brother Pate twist that into another lesson of how Albione does things wrong?  Something like that would also get reader me more firmly on Albione's side.

Finally, the end of the chapter.  More of Albione wrestling with the problem.  Again, I think it's a little too drawn out to be as strong as you'd like it.  However, perhaps you're saving some of that for the end to the coming chapters, since they'll be finishing Act 1.

I see I have another piled up in my inbox.  I'm looking forward to the next part.