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Messages - Guenhywvar

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Right, I understand what you are saying, I have always had the problem with being too vague, even now in school my teachers still tell me off for it...
I didn't realise about the 'was' instead of 'were', nut now that I read it over in my head I see you are completely right...
I see about the tenses changing, which I shall change to past, I didn't realise I had even changed tenses.
Unfortunately I understand that my writing is very inconsistent.
I have a very big problem with names,  they are what slow down my writing the most, which is why they are often not referred to,  in the first draft, Damaris was un-named for the first scene.
'These rooms are carved out of the rocks underneath the city to make space for the important buildings on the surface.' -Those mainly being the temple, brothels, as well as work houses, and farms.
Alright, so name characters quicker.
She is relatively young, and Bethea is quite old. Looking over it now, I didn't make that clear at all,  Lady is the correct way to address her as Kaethe is a noble (almost all priests are).
I hadn't considered that, the paranoia is almost just a morning thing, I will have to change that.
I changed it from 'let out a string of profanities' and was aware I had to use something else, as the only two times there has been cursing the same phrase had been used, so that was a last minute insertion without thinking.
Most priests aren't particularly nice, which is why Damaris is wary. Which is why she bottles up. Being a Bulwark is an honourable position, one that falls to third daughters, but she is used to being mistreated by priests.
I know about the conversation being stilted, that is a problem I also have.
Most of the background information was going to be shown in chapter 2, which is why I should have probably sent them together.

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I also liked the idea of a villain's POV, I don't know much about the magic system, I don't know much about the story, but I personally like ambiguous stories because they captivate my imagination more, and interest me that little bit more, but I think the magic is a little ambiguous, I want to know a little bit more, maybe bait me one piece of information at a time?

Like chaos I was disappointed with how easily Black Rose was defeated, or at least give so inclination to why she was bested so easily, does the strength of magic multiply the more people that are 'linked' together, meaning that she stood no chance even if she had this power which negates power, maybe it can only negate enough to combat one before it starts drawing her life energy instead?

But those are just my two cents really..

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Very simply this is starting a story where Damaris and Kaethe (the two main characters) become life companions. They live in a very violent world, where the church has absolute dominance, with an active, and quite successful, inquisition. This chapter is about them meeting each other, and Damaris becoming Kaethe's Bulwark.
-Forgot to mention it was a female dominated society...

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Reading Excuses / Re: Email List + Submission Dates
« on: August 14, 2011, 12:20:35 AM »
I was wondering if I could maybe submit the piece I am working on at the moment? It is not finished and needs a little work.

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Writing Group / Re: How many medics does an army need?
« on: July 05, 2011, 06:48:22 PM »
Maybe have maybe 50 men for the whole thing, but have all of them trained in basic first aid, or at least schooled, so they know what to do for themselves, and leave the medics for the seriously injured.

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Brandon Sanderson / Re: Funny pic that sums up the Wheel of Time
« on: August 18, 2010, 06:04:26 PM »
description is good in moderation, too much and the reader gets bored, and too little and the reader has no idea what's happening, maybe alto of authors prefer to overdescribe than underdescribe?

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Brandon Sanderson / Re: Warbreaker: Free Ebook
« on: August 18, 2010, 06:00:26 PM »
Well done on warbreaker.
A shame you did it as a stand-alone book, plenty of was you could write a sequel

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