Show Posts

This section allows you to view all posts made by this member. Note that you can only see posts made in areas you currently have access to.


Messages - Revast

Pages: [1] 2 3
1
Reading Excuses / Re: 02-22-09 Revast: The Well of Creation - Chapter Two
« on: March 04, 2009, 06:33:17 AM »
Quote
**It’s over, they’ve found me. This is how it will end, devoured by bloodsuckers.  **

I thought the bloodsuckers were those five guys tracking Lightfoot through the woods? Maybe I'm just confused on that :(


Maybe I was to cryptic with the nightmare. The men in the dream were supposed to be the five men that chased Lightfoot through the woods. I tried to describe their wounds that killed them just like the five men that died (the guy that fell over water fall is a crushed mess, the guy who fell in the stake pit has wooden stakes protruding from him, the Giant (even called him a giant in the dream) has a single massive wound in his gut from a sword. The fourth man has one arrow in his eye (just like the first chapter) and the second has two arrows in his chest (just like the first chapter).

Did this not come across? Any suggestions how I could make it come across?

Quote
Bruav's character seemed a bit inconsistent with the selfish, generally mean picture you left us with in the prologue. I know you mentioned that the events of the prologue actually took place after the events of the main story, so maybe Bruav's character will change?

Yes, to some extent Brauv's character will change due to some choices he must make, and the magnitude of what he becomes involved in presses upon him. However part of what is happening in this chapter is that this place just really disturbs the warriors. They don't like to be reminded of what selfish bastards they really are. :P

Quote
For me the first third and the last third of the chapter was the most interesting. I wasn't really intrigued at all about the march through the gauntlet. I didn't understand why these women were all forced to live like rats. Also, why weren't the sick, old, and infirm men or small children living with them too? I would reconsider that little bit of your world.

If I somehow explain how the clan works better earlier in the chapter will this be as much of a problem? ie. the women live like rats because they were cast our when they were old and have few options available to them. There are no old men and children due to what i said in my previous post. Could you find yourself believing this society more?


2
Reading Excuses / Re: 02-22-09 Revast: The Well of Creation - Chapter Two
« on: March 04, 2009, 06:15:37 AM »
OK, so both readers so far haven't been able to get their minds around the ostracized elder females. I have a few questions for you and anyone else who has read the chapter.

1. Is it just that such a thing seems so strange to a people who generally love their families.
2. The idea I'm going for, and perhaps I just need to find a way to explain it better in the chapters beginning is that this is a raiding clan. They support themselves by raiding other peoples. They don't grow anything, they don't produce anything, they have nothing to fall back upon except taking from others. Therefore they can't support anyone in the clans that doesn't provide a lot to the clan, and can't support a very large population at all. Along this line, there are no children in the clan. Children are raised by those who do grow things, and who do produce things. The clan gains members because when some of those children grow up they decide it would be better to raid than be raided. So they join the clans and try to earn a name (which signifies their acceptance into the clan).
   -if any children are born to the Clansmen's women (which obviously happens) then the Clansman must decide to either share his portion of the plunder (which can be dangerous as there might not be enough to go around), kill the child (which is not uncommon), or more likely find a family apart from the Clans who will take the child.
3. The clan does support some younger/middle aged women because well, men like to have pretty women around. Pretty much the only reason they are there is to make their lives easier by being the lover of a Clansmen (raider) as it is dangerous to not have the protection of the clan. However once their beauty fades, and if the man who loves them is killed then the clan has no use for them.
4. There are no old decrepit clansmen. They either die in battle, or when they are no longer able to raid/fight for the band they have to take their lover/lovers (if they have one/them) and try to make a life for themselves elsewhere. Think of a wolf pack driving out the weak. Most often however they just don't survive to old age. Their lives are to violent. And if they do survive then they probably advance in clan leadership which is dangerous in itself because often the leadership changes violently.
5. Old clans are a rarity. Often the clans are disbanded or destroyed. The number of clans is in constant flux as they war with each other over raiding territory. It is a dangerous life, but a life of ease when not raiding as you don't really have to work.

Another note, since you all read the prologue I pretty much totally reworked the clans. The clans sounded far to organized in the prologue than what i was going for (there are no ranks other than Chief and Warlord). They are pretty savage men who spend their lives taking from others and being all around pretty selfish.

So ya, that's the idea. What I'm kind of wondering is do I need to explain all that now in chapter two? Or will the chapter work as this gets explained later on? Is it so confusing/offputting that I need to get this into the story before/while they with the crones? Also, does that society work to you? Is there anything about it that you just don't believe is possible.

3
Reading Excuses / Re: 02-15-09 Revast, The Well of Creation: Chapter One
« on: March 02, 2009, 06:27:11 PM »
Thanks Reaves :)

To a couple of your points:

The mountain scene: Yes it was bad, I eliminated it.

The abrupt death of the giant guy, I took some advice and foreshadowed it I think decently.

The stone arrowhead: You know now that you mention it I'm not sure why I made it stone. It shouldn't be. Thanks

Type of fantasy: Yes, I guess it is dark fantasy. I was trying not to label it, but now that I'm 10 chapters in it is dark.

Thanks for your critique!!

4
Reading Excuses / Re: Letters of a madman
« on: February 27, 2009, 03:19:15 PM »
I didn't get this submission. The email on the submission list works if you want to send it.

5
Reading Excuses / Re: 02-22-09 Revast: The Well of Creation - Chapter Two
« on: February 27, 2009, 03:15:45 PM »
Rain: Yes she comes back, as a main viewpoint in fact.

Women out to pasture: Yes it is extreme, but the idea actually came from a visit to an old folks home, a poor one at that. My wife worked as a nurse there for a while, and would tell me how most of them never had visitors, and it just seemed like they were waiting to die. My thoughts were "No one deserves to end like this." I took that idea to the extreme in the story obviously. So I guess no society does that to their old folk except ours huh? :P

One of the idea's I'm trying to portray is that in this society the women are totally dependent on the males. In fact, your husband dying at old age, pretty much means the death of life as you know it. If you are young then you can just get another man, but when old... not so much. This idea of dependence is something that I hope to use to break Rain away from the norm, and become self-sufficient when she is forced to.

6
Reading Excuses / 02-22-09 Revast: The Well of Creation - Chapter Two
« on: February 23, 2009, 04:07:35 AM »
I apologize in advance for the length of this submission. It is 5500 words in length and unfortunately I didn't feel like breaking it up would be possible (would ruin the chapter). If anyone doesn't want to read it due to length I understand. I promise future submission will not be this long. There is also a bit of sexual banter in this chapter, though it is minor.

Synopsis

Proast has earned his name. By braving the wrath of the Magi's Collectors who chased him through the mountains surrounding his home his clan rewarded his courage with the name Lightfoot. Unfortunately the chase took its tole. Lightfoot has fallen ill due to his wounds and the massive amount of blood lost.

We pick the story up from there.


Thanks for reading, and for any suggestions for improvement you can give me,

Revast

7
Reading Excuses / Re: Email List + Submission Dates
« on: February 20, 2009, 03:05:41 PM »
I will submit again.

 :D

8
Reading Excuses / Re: Help!
« on: February 18, 2009, 07:32:57 PM »
I think I would have to see more than one sentence to really decide. As is it just reads like Harbor is forcing some other students mouth into a smile. /shrug

9
Reading Excuses / Re: 2-16-09 Aspirations Miranda chapters 2-3
« on: February 17, 2009, 03:39:36 PM »
Quote
Unfortunately you’ve missed about 30k words of submission so far. 

Seriously? before chapter 2 there is 30k words? wow

then ya I guess it makes sense that I was confused.

10
Reading Excuses / Re: 02-15-09 Revast, The Well of Creation: Chapter One
« on: February 17, 2009, 03:32:46 PM »
Quote from: jwdenzel on February 17, 2009, 06:39:01 AM
@Necroben... Really?  Cool. Thanks for clarifying. :) 

@ Revast... I hope I didn't sound too harsh.  I sincerely see some great potential here in your first few chapters so I want to make sure you get some honest feedback.  Others here in his group can attest I'm not just picking on you.

And, as illustrated by other comments above, people can get hooked in different ways.

I wanted to add earlier that I especially liked how each member of "the gang" gets their own name. And this guy, Lightfoot, is trying hard to fit in and be accepted.  That's a cool thing... consider just telling us about it much earlier than the 5,000th word?   Plus, I don't know if you're going for that, but that whole notion of working hard to be accepted by peers is a fantastic theme that pretty much everyone can relate to.  If that's what you're going for, then I'm impressed at how well you introduce it. :)

Looking forward to ch 2.

/Shrug harsh is ok. I don't have to change anything I don't want to. :P

And harsh critisizm makes you really examine your own work. It is nice to hear the occasional, "I loved it," from a different source as well to help keep you from feeling like what you are doing sucks and you should just quit. lol I felt like I got a lot out of the critique's so far. I was given some good feedback, some encouragement, and helpful ideas to improve. Pretty much what I'm wanting from the group. :)

And many of your suggestions have been very helpful. I really liked your example of how to break apart that chapter, and plan on going through several portions of the story so far that I need to feel exciting and seeing if I can apply that to them to help the flow.

11
Reading Excuses / Re: 02-15-09 Revast, The Well of Creation: Chapter One
« on: February 17, 2009, 04:07:54 AM »
Thanks for the thoughts so far,

The mountain stuff at the beginning.. ya should probably eliminate it.

Internal dialogue: I know some people seem to hate it, and I scanned future chapters I've already written today to see how much of it persists throughout the story so far. It seems to be less in future chapters, but it is not something I'm going to eliminate entirely. I do feel I probably used to much of it in the prologue, but in chapter one there is no one to talk to. I suppose I could just have him say some of the things he thinks outloud, but at that point it just seems like I'm changing it to change it.

The abrupt ending to the chapter: Ya, I should foreshadow it somehow. Thanks for this suggestion. I have some ideas of how I could do it, and believe it will definitely help the believability. I was kinda going for a bit of ironic humor with the guard saying "Unbelievable," but I would rather it felt more real.

What kind of fantasy am I trying to write? hmm I don't know. It will have magic, and blood gritty fight scenes and dialogue, and some other scenes that I hope don't offend anyone reading, but to be honest probably will (don't worry I will give fair warning. I'm not trying to make people read anything the don't want to read.) I don't necessarily want to call it dark fantasy. The ending, which I've already partially written is a high fantasy ending, where the good guys win. However I don't want to write battle scenes that ignore the ugly side of war. The fact that people are maimed, and that the pain the populace feels from the massive loss of human life doesn't just vanish when the hero's win. All is not happily ever after.

I'm not trying to break any barriers here either, or make people go WOW that was so different. Hopefully I don't disappoint, but I'm not trying to invent a new genre or amazing out there story. The good guys will feel pain and loss, just like the bad, and somewhere along the lines I hope to make the reader question if the good guys are any better than the bad, or if the moral high ground is really a place for fairy tells. Whether I can accomplish all this, I don't know.

And finally, I just want to write something that I enjoy reading, and that others enjoy as well. Really as long as my wife still looks at me every once in a while after reading a chapter and demands to know what happens next, I'll be happy. :P

Ok to much internal dialogue there... You guys didn't need to know that rofl.

12
Reading Excuses / Re: 2-16-09 Aspirations Miranda chapters 2-3
« on: February 16, 2009, 11:57:50 PM »
Right, so I haven't ready any of your story before, and your synopsis didn't seem to give me enough.

I don't understand what is going on. I know that the Mirand's boyfriend has been kidnapped, or sucked into hell somehow. I know that her dad is some kind of demon or vampire or evil wizard? I know that going to hell is dangerous (why would someone ever think such a thing wasn't?). And I know there is some kind of family business in a house that is strangely changing.

Now the problem is there is something that I wrote above that probably isn't true, and I have to think that it is because I missed chapter one that I am so lost. However it must have been a chapter full of detail for me to feel this confused in just chapter 2.

Some thoughts:

Why is she calling him Daddy? I'm getting the impression that she is at least a teenager if not older. And to me the term Daddy smacks of adolescence (IE. 12 and under). Now I'm not saying is has to, but when I first started reading I thought I was in a child's viewpoint, then come to find out she is dealing with demons and hell and used to be 13 so... ya I was confused.

To much labeling of your dialogue without other descriptions. Throw in more body language, or scene description around ," Daddy said. Or, just leave off the labeling. At times it isn't necessary. It is two people having a conversation, so a new paragraph can inform us that someone else is talking, especially in an argument.

I am interested in the story, but feel like maybe this is one of those stories that I can't adequately critique without reading the prior chapter. There are hints at great things behind the curtain, and I'm looking forward to getting a peak.

I hope this helps in some way, though I doubt it.  :-\

13
Reading Excuses / Re: 2-16-09 Reaves, Crystalheart Chs 9-10
« on: February 16, 2009, 11:41:12 PM »
First I want to preface my comments with the fact that this is the first of your story I have read. I skimmed your synopses, but this is my first foray in to your writing.

I really, really enjoyed it!

The last scene with Marlin was very poignant, you can almost feel the child questioning the world around him and growing harder himself as he begins to realize it isn't such a wonderful place.

Quote
No, the only thing I have to look forward to is cold, hard sanity.

Loved that line.

I did have a question as to why you had Illis Myrelion's viewpoint as a sort of flashback? At first I thought we were going to see the battle that had decimated the caravan. I know I haven't read any of the story before, and maybe she is character in a total different setting, but I still don't understand why it is 5 days earlier? Why not just put her viewpoint at the beginning of the chapter and avoid the flashback? Maybe there is a reason I'm not seeing.

Quote
He lifted his mouth from her wrist and looked her in the eyes, admiring the lines of her cheekbone.

This seems like a minor loss of viewpoint to me. I don't know how Illis would know that he was admiring her cheek bones. He could have eyes full of lust, or even affection (though that would seem strange for the events occurring) but I don't think she would be able to tell what part of her face he was admiring. (minor point)

Otherwise I really enjoyed your writing. It isn't cluttered with unnecessary details or conversation. In fact it at times feels like it doesn't have quite enough, but I strangely don't mind. It just leaves me wanting to know more. Great job!

14
Reading Excuses / 02-15-09 Revast, The Well of Creation: Chapter One
« on: February 16, 2009, 03:52:40 AM »
Ok, chapter one is here. Much less adjusting of manhoods, and no sweaty ball references to be found. I look forward to your critiques and suggestions

Thanks

Revast

15
Reading Excuses / Re: Names names, I need more names.
« on: February 13, 2009, 09:13:05 PM »
Quote from: maxonennis on February 13, 2009, 07:58:21 PM
I take names I like and mess with the sounds until I come up with something I like.

Ya, I do similar things with other characters who are not part of this clan group. It's a cultural thing. The name isn't just a name, but more of a description.

Pages: [1] 2 3