Timewaster's Guide Archive

Thanks everyone for any feedback you can give me.  It will be greatly appreciated. 

M

I'm not sure I can add anything constructive that already hasn't been said.  Great job.  I'm interested to read more.  Sorry, lame crit, but I don't believe in overkill.  I will try to read yours first on the next submission so I can give a real crit.  Sorry.

I vote for Avalons....Raethe...you're cute, glad you are a mod.   

Before I go stick my foot in my mouth any further, it just dawned on me that we should probably at least do a poll and see how many people want to even join a weekly writing group?  I shouldn't make assumptions based on only a few people (besides myself) wanting this.  There might not be enough to do my Group A - Group B idea.

Ok, my two cents... what "if" we thin things down a little.  What if we made two separate groups.  This would require two forums I imagine so we don't get confused.  We already have a lot of people (which is great!) and making things smaller will help I think.

Here are the groups:
1. Those that can and WILL submit and review WEEKLY.  These the the writers that Raethe is talking about (forgive me Raethe if I am thinking of someone else).  That way, it's like a real writing group where you submit each week and get critiqued.  Since not everyone falls into this category, there will be less work to read and therefore less stress on everyone.

2. The other group would be the "submit when you can" group.  This group can submit on deadlines if they want to keep motivated but don't have to unless they want to.  I don't think this group would suffer lack of critique, if anything they would probably get faster critiques.

That's my two cents.  Make is simple with as little confusion as possible. 

Señor

Try copying and pasting this into your word document.  I just copied it from the Internet.

Good luck!

Great work.  I enjoy the first person narrative, it is different from the usual stuff I read. 

Ok, just the nit-picky stuff: Se Senor is spelled, Si Senor and the Senor needs a mark above the N.

I was a little confused with the Stranger and his dialog.  He seemed to be switching back and forth from his weird English to normal.  Was that on purpose?  It's probably just me.

I agree with the other comments.  The story started out great, very moving, but then seems to jump rather quickly.  I like the use of bars and your descriptions of his mental state in each.  I think the whole ring section could be spiced up a bit, particularly the Stranger and his giving it to your character.  I think after some revisions, this story has lots of potential.   

As one who does not read fantasy, magic, or epic-fantasy-type novels, I was very impressed by your work.  The story is very interesting and it caught my eye.  The story seems very original (although like I said, I'm not into that genre so I don't know what is original and what is overdone).

Great work on the characters and description.  I felt the description was a little thick at first, but the more I read the more relaxed your story became and I enjoyed it more.  I see no apparent pitfalls or errors that already haven't been addressed. 

Here is my only opinion, take it for what it is worth.  It seems like the reader already knows everything there is to know about the characters, plot, world, ext. from just the first chapter.  Are you saving anything for later?  Seems like you revealed so much in the beginning chapter that there is little for the reader to experience.  For example:

"Aermyst had heard of a time, long ago, when crystalhearts were respected and honored by even kings and princes. In such a time men like Aermyst and Dantes would be feasted from one end of the realm to the other. Their opinions would be sought in disputes. They might have been sent as ambassadors of peace to nations embroiled in war. Now, they huddled in a tent in the desert, beholden to men such as Ves."

Maybe you could save this and reveal it later.  That way, we don't know all the history of the crystalhearts in the very beginning.

Another example:

"Knowing the condition of the team's crystalhearts was vital. Tax the crystal too much, and it would simply snap, like a wooden stick strained to the point of breaking. Flexibility was good, even neccessary in a crystal, but bend it too much and it would be forever weakened. Bend it past that, and you would die. Aermyst had once seen a man whose crystal had actually exploded inside his body, needle-sharp shards of it throughout his system. He hadn't survived."

Just an idea, you could save this bit of info for later and shock your readers by revealing how fragile the hearts could be.  Like I said, just an idea.

Another thing, in my opinion (and I'm no author or English major), I would not include the reader in your sentences, such as:

"Bend it past that, and you would die."  Instead, maybe say, "Bend it past that, and the bearer would die."  Just a thought.

Now for some praise.  I absolutely loved the base jumping part.  It really hooked me.  I also like, what I assume from just one chapter, the plot of this book.  You have a talent and I look forward to reading chapter 2.  Good luck!