Timewaster's Guide Archive

Quote from: ryos on January 25, 2010, 09:15:52 PM

So Black wasn't Jimmy? Jimmy was working for someone else, and stole the suits that Black had already acquired? Or what? It's not really clear.

The way I read it Black was the commander in Philly and Jimmy was that team's leacher. Then Jimmy betrayed the whole team, leached Black while he should've been leaching the enemy, and took off with a number of suits.

Then who's the Black that's been ordering the perps about?

Critique six months late! Wooo! Go me!

The very first thing I noticed was that you overuse the past perfect tense. (I think that's what it's called - it's the one where you say "so and so had done such and such".) That's typically used to indicate an event that occurred in the past from a character's point of view, and you've got it all over the place. It gives me the impression that you start too late, with the character looking back at events that you should have just shown directly.

The pacing in this bit felt better to me. Perhaps a little fast still, but better than the first bit I read.

I thought the prisoner's reaction to interrogation was just a tiny bit off. He didn't feel quite like someone yielding to the strength of a telepath to me. Hard to describe what I mean, so I'm gonna be lazy and say that if you don't know what I'm talking about, just don't worry about it since it's a minor issue anyway.

Lastly, I knew I just got done telling you the pacing was a bit too fast, but I felt the "mutiny" on the bridge went on a bit too long for what happened. The captain put up too much fight for how easily he yielded. Or maybe he yielded too fast and didn't fight hard enough. Depends on who you want the captain to be, and what you want to do with his character.

That's it for this. Short and late, but hopefully better than nothing.

Hey guys!

I started this thinking I was going to write a piece of flash fiction. Hah, that's a laugh. It grew to 4000 words before it was finished with me.

This isn't the sort of thing I normally write. And, in all honesty, I don't really feel qualified to write a story like this. "So why'd you write it, Ryan?" Shoot, I dunno. Chalk it up to momentary insanity, and an irrational thirst for a challenge.

With that said, I'm a bit worried that the people in this story don't act like people should. And, I'm worried about clichés. So keep an eye out for those, if you would.

Thanks, as always, for reading and for your insightful comments.

This submission is rated PG. I'd rate it G, but honestly I think the kids would find it boring.

I have outline writer's block. I can outline essays and blog posts, but never fiction. I think a big part of that is that the scenes that I write motivate and inspire the scenes I write in the future. I guess that makes me a discovery writer.

Before I heard the term "discovery writer", I thought I did pretty good outlines. Except, well, they were just all in my head. I build up a mental picture of the world, an understanding of the characters, and key events from the beginning, middle, and end; then, I just start writing. I'd say my conception of the plot is vaguest at the beginning; I need to have the world and characters nailed down pretty tight before I start writing, and the plot grows out of that (and, recursively, out of itself).

If I ever start writing novels, I'll need to write more of this stuff down because it's not all going to fit in my head, and it'll need to stay consistent (stuff held in wetware tends to evolve without my noticing). But as long as I'm still just doing shorties, I can keep refusing to use any sort of formal outline.

First: cool idea. Me like. I think you could do a lot with it. That said…the best part of the piece was actually the blurb in the email, describing the idea. In other words, it needs more development.

About the character, I wouldn't call him "dead". A better adjective is "empty". He's a shell, a blurred simulacrum playing at being human. My feeling is that nothing he does is important to him. He might die tomorrow, but, like, whatever. He's homeless and starving and reduced to stealing his sustenance at great personal risk, and is completely nonchalant about it. The scene of him stealing didn't feel tense because it had the air of nothing important. I mean, here you have a desperate struggle to survive, with death by starvation on one hand and punitive mutilation on the other. Those are high stakes! But we don't feel that way because Marz doesn't.

How can you fix this? Well, I would start with defining your character. Give him an age, at least three quirks of personality, and a definite origin. Even if you don't spell that out in the story, you should know it so you know who he is. Give him a few goals, a few things that really matter to him. When writing his viewpoint, ask yourself how Marz would feel about where he is and what he's doing. Try to get into his character, with his voice. Don't go wild with the voice, since you'd have to be a master to successfully pull of any great variation from your own style (I know I certainly can't); just try to make it recognizably feel like Marz.

For a few ideas on how to develop a character like this, I'd read examples of what others have done. The two I'd suggest you read (if you haven't already) are Vin's viewpoints at the beginning of Mistborn 1 and the first five chapters of Ender's Shadow (which are conveniently available on the author's web site). I found those two street urchin stories quite compelling. Look for the qualities that make them compelling, then emulate them. Remember: great artists steal.

Next up, I flinched at the inclusion of the "encounter with a mysterious stranger" trope. I feel like too many stories start that way, especially in fantasy.

Also, it looks like you're making up your own calendar. That's logical, since the Gregorian calendar is an (unfortunate) artifact of our own history. Might I suggest, then, that you avoid naming your months after the Gregorian's months? Especially Marz, which not only sounds like a leetiiied spelling of March, but is very similar to the Spanish word for March (marzo). It makes you look lazy, as in, "Oh, I need a new fake calendar. I'll make it exactly the same as the Gregorian calendar…and the months even sound the same…hmm."

In summary: cool idea, now develop it, develop it, develop it, develop it! (Picture a sweaty Steve Ballmer shaking his fist at you.)

Also, yes, TWG was created by recently-graduated BYU students. I think Fell (Dan Wells) owns the site.

But I've already made my proclaimation already.  I can't take it back even if I wanted to.   In any case you'll be changing your tune soon enough once you see Brendan Fraser playing one of the lead characters in the film.

Brendan Fraser makes me laugh. Um. There's not actually a lot of comedy in Mistborn, so he'd probably ruin everything, but I'd still laugh while I cried.