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Brandon Sanderson / Re: Warbreaker: Free Ebook
« on: May 03, 2007, 05:42:32 PM »
Nice turnaround. We all should have seen that Golem ex machina. But couldn't have.
A few minor points which made reading difficult for me.
I think You mean that the white glow and black don't, but the "though ..." sets me up for non-glowing as the major focus, so I was confused.
Perhaps something like this:of course . . . passed Though large chunks of the building were still colorless black, a good half of it had been turned white. Not merely the grey etc.,
Maybe Split it up, or just get rid of "Who are they"
Sounds like she's chastising herself for making a quick judgement there, and I think you should say "reinterpret them." or similar statements.
This whole scene seems odd, sure I understood that Vasher is from the Manywars, but that he is accepted as a lord and it isn't helped by the stilted conversations IMNSHO here.
A few minor points which made reading difficult for me.
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Of course, that didn’t work for many of the stones they passed. Though large chucks of the building were still black, a good half of it had been turned white.The second paragraph is bulky with the first.
Not just the grey of normal Awakening. They had been made a bone white. And, becoming that white, they now reacted to his incredible BioChroma, splitting back into colors. Like a circle, somehow, she thought. Colorful, then white, then back to color.
I think You mean that the white glow and black don't, but the "though ..." sets me up for non-glowing as the major focus, so I was confused.
Perhaps something like this:
Quote
The breeze blew Siri’s hair--red, to show her displeasure--as they stood atop the palace.Breeze blew red? Did the color change have something to do with wind before?
Quote
Seems too sudden a transition of emotions, from "GO AWAY," to "well now I'm curious, who is it?"
“I don’t want to see anyone,” Susebron said. “Who are they?”
Maybe Split it up, or just get rid of "Who are they"
Quote
Siri paused hesitantly. Silly, she thought. This is Vivenna. I can trust her.Just an odd set of juxtaposition, and maybe a mid paragraph focus change (she, vivenna)
She’d thought she could trust Bluefingers too. Vivenna regarded her with a curious expression.
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It was a quick judgment. She had gotten over chastising herself for making those, though she had learned to leave herself open to reinterpret.
Sounds like she's chastising herself for making a quick judgement there, and I think you should say "reinterpret them." or similar statements.
Quote
“You have a group of rogue Lifeless,” Vasher said. “You’ve lost control of them.”
“I’m sorry, my lord,” the God King said.
Vasher regarded him. Then, he glanced at Vivenna. She nodded her head. “I trust him.”
This whole scene seems odd, sure I understood that Vasher is from the Manywars, but that he is accepted as a lord and it isn't helped by the stilted conversations IMNSHO here.