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Local Authors => Reading Excuses => Topic started by: Will777r on August 15, 2011, 07:56:26 PM

Title: August 15 - Will777r - Soul Yearning - Chapter 9
Post by: Will777r on August 15, 2011, 07:56:26 PM
Hey guys :)
Here's my next chapter. As always I appreciate the suggestions and feedback!
Chapter 9 Summary -  Albione makes a foolish mistake which causes the temple to finally lose patience with him.
Here's the summary's for the first 8 chapters.

Chapter 1 Summary - Albione rescues a rival militia commander, but ends up losing the knight he's sworn to protect. A night elf raid has overrun the walls

Chapter 2 Summary - Charom, Albione's older brother, is in charge of the High Priestess' guard detail when the temple comes under attack.

Chapter 3 Summary - Albione rescues the High Priestess and accompanies her and his brother Charom to the wall. What he finds is completely unexpected.
Chapter 4 Summary - Albione is summoned to a meeting with his immediate Superior to face the consequences of his actions on the wall.
Chapter 5 Summary - A messenger delivers a dangerous package to Albione's room. When he opens it, the nightmare gets worse.
Chapter 6 Summary - Albione returns to his family's estate to fulfill his vow of seclusion, but finds himself further away from his God.
Chapter 7 Summary -  Albione returns to the temple, but two experiences make him question his faith further

Chapter 8 Summary - Albione meets with an old friend who only fuels the fire of his frustration

Title: Re: August 15 - Will777r - Soul Yearning - Chapter 9
Post by: Asmodemon on August 16, 2011, 03:50:25 PM
I think this is the first time we get Rook-Sha’s perspective on things. My first inclination is that I like it. It still doesn’t explain why she took an interest in him or why Albione is important to the temple, as two of his superiors once suggested. When Rook-Sha says they’ll take advanced measures I expected her to say extreme measures – advanced suggests some stronger doctrines or the like, some hidden techniques? At least Albione’s leisurely way of dealing with his doubts is likely to end soon when Eld or Rook-Sha acts.

I’m missing a proper foundation for Rane’s character. The first scene is the first time we learn Albione has a sparring partner and immediately in the next scene Albione goes to him. His sparring partner seems kind of important in Albione’s life, so Albione should have thought about him before, even just in passing, so we’ll already feel like we know this character and can more easily sympathize with them. I also thought the same thing with Aetherial, this life-long friend who is introduced right out of the blue. Both were shown so briefly it’s like they were afterthoughts.

Albione’s faith, or lack of it, takes an interesting turn. Like Albione I was wondering what was going on, the fact he didn’t use his beads seems like an excuse, something to assure himself in the light of this failure. I haven’t felt this concerned for Albione for several chapters, great job.

Even more interesting, it seems power (any power) has to be channelled through a holy item to make it holy, otherwise it’s something else. So, the power of the priests, their magic, is something else and artefacts make it holy. So, what is this something else?

I’m brought to question Albione’s age again. All the priests calling him child, Pate’s comment of “Surely you understand, even at your age.” Yet he fought with a warhammer on the walls in defence of the city. I thought he was an adult, am I wrong?

Pate really doesn’t know what to do with Albione, he’s about to sentence him to the same type of punishment as last time when that didn’t work either. The problem is that what the priests believe is a vastly simplified worldview. There is Valor and there is everything else, even things that are also courageous are instead called cowardice. The world doesn’t work that way, anyone who thinks on it should see it. That’s what makes this religion so unbelievable to me. Pate says the religion is losing favour, this does not surprise me. That also explains some of Albione’s importance, he’s a link to the nobles, but his brother is Rook-sha’s guard, so there’s still a noble connection.

Again Albione is being sent away, for all the good that will do. He’s going to be someone else’s problem, which, for Pate and Rook-sha doesn’t seem very courageous does it? They’re basically saying they can’t handle it, please let someone else solve the problem.
Title: Re: August 15 - Will777r - Soul Yearning - Chapter 9
Post by: Will777r on August 22, 2011, 09:29:45 PM
Giving this a bump since it's off the first page and only had one reply so far :)