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Local Authors => Reading Excuses => Topic started by: hubay on June 21, 2011, 06:06:10 AM

Title: June 24 – Hubay, Lord Domestic Ch12
Post by: hubay on June 21, 2011, 06:06:10 AM
Sorry about the wait – I got a dog today! anyways, this is the last chapter of Part 2 of Jhuz's storyline, or at least the first half of that chapter. I should have the second half next week. anyways, this is mostly an aftermath sort of chapter, but I also add in a bit of what's to come with Zaisha. Let me know what you think about the Dombow.

Hubay, Lord Domestic Ch12 (L,V,S,D)

Summary: the Legion has finally achieved victory against the Nothroi host, though not the army entire. After looting the enemy camp, Jhuz and the army celebrate.
Title: Re: June 24 – Hubay, Lord Domestic Ch12
Post by: cjhuitt on June 24, 2011, 03:41:59 AM
Fair warning, I haven't read the previous chapters.

I liked the officers feeling superior due to the way they get drunk.

After Jhuz sends the officers out, Zaisha and Ezlio stay, and one of them talks about Falcons.  It may be that it's obvious to someone who has read the previous chapters, but I didn't know who was speaking there.

After he starts talking with Zaisha, Jhuz "sat down on the air."  Is that a typo, or something I'm missing from earlier?

Other than that, I think it read very well.  Of course, I may be missing a huge tone shift or something -- how would I know?  Still, enjoyable on its own.
Title: Re: June 24 – Hubay, Lord Domestic Ch12
Post by: hubay on June 24, 2011, 06:30:03 AM
Haha, Yeah, there's some bits you're missing out on. Namely, Jhuz can fly (that's how sits on the air).

I'm glad you liked the humor though, even if you didn't quite get what was going on. I must be doing something right if that carries across.

I can email you the older chapters if you want, though. You don't need to feel like you have to read them all or critique them, but it will help the rest of this makes sense, at least.
Title: Re: June 24 – Hubay, Lord Domestic Ch12
Post by: SkyhunterCommander on June 24, 2011, 06:09:33 PM
This chapter was fun where the last chapter was cool. I'll second cjhuitt's sentiments about the officers getting drunk. It's a good way to calm things down after a tense battle. "Do cows have bacon?" is probably one of the funniest lines I've read in a long time.

The Chell also became more interesting when we learn about Jhuz's old teacher. I'm not sure why, maybe because it makes the more accessible, in a way. That they aren't just mysterious powerful creatures. It also humanizes them, which is good because all we've seen so far is them killing people. (unless there was other stuff going on with them in the chapters I haven't read).

I liked the Dombow. I've always enjoyed seeing technology advance in fantasy settings (gunpowder in Wheel of Time comes to mind). I'm not sure what else there is to say about it, other than that I want to see how it affects the world.
Title: Re: June 24 – Hubay, Lord Domestic Ch12
Post by: hubay on June 24, 2011, 08:24:54 PM
Thanks for going through all those, Skyhunter. You gave some good feedback.

You asked earlier how the squiddies carried their familiars. The answer is they don't – part of the squid is grafted into their shoulder like the rest of the metsi. They do have to oil it up a lot so it doesn't get too dry, but otherwise it's no difference. At some point I'd like to explore and explain the grafting process better, but right now I'm focused on the plot.
Title: Re: June 24 – Hubay, Lord Domestic Ch12
Post by: akoebel on June 26, 2011, 03:32:11 PM
I'm coming a little late for the battle. I'll try to find new things to mention.

I also loved the "Do cows have bacon" sentence. It feels really like something someone might say while half drunk. The whole felt like a really good release from the tension in the former chapter.
The only problem I have with this part is where Elizo explains to Jhuz why the herdsman is so quiet. It seems like herd-metsi are a major part of the empire battle strategy. If so, Jhuz should have learned all about them in the academy, and he doesn't need Elizo to tell him.
I think having Jhuz mention in passing that the herdsman was in post-herd stupor would have worked better.

I have difficulties with your description of the DomBow : I imagine a regular crossbow with a magazine affixed, which takes care of having to reload quarrels (though it is not a time-consuming task by itself).
I get that you have some spring-metsi mechanism in action, but I don't see how the string(s) gets pulled back. There appears to be only one string.
When you showed us Zeisha firing, I evaluated the reloading time to a couple of seconds, maybe even less. I don't see how wooden springs could get a string taunt in that time (and without Jhuz noticing the reloading sound). Maybe I underestimate the capabilities of your enchanted wood and it is really that fast.

Looking forward to the incoming confrontation!
Title: Re: June 24 – Hubay, Lord Domestic Ch12
Post by: Will777r on June 27, 2011, 07:04:31 PM
A good reaction chapter to the battle of the previous one. It's well-written and flowed smoothly.

Personally, I loved the Dombow. I'm not that picky about whether something would work or not in reality. This is fantasy, in my humble opinion. If it isn't too off the wall, I'll suspend disbelief. I thought it was a very cool moment when Zaisha showed it off to Jhuz. The effect it had on the others was enough for me not to get bogged down in the details.

Drunken humor doesn't do a lot for me, but that's a personal opinion. It didn't distract from the story or stand out too much. I think Jhuz's concern for important matters kept it from doing so. It seemed natural and not gratuitous because of that.

The ending was the best of course as I'm eagerly anticipating his meeting with the Jackel. Jhuz is fitting into his position very well. More about the Chell soon please though lol!

Title: Re: June 24 – Hubay, Lord Domestic Ch12
Post by: Asmodemon on August 18, 2011, 01:59:06 PM
Don’t have much to comment on this chapter, I liked the feast with the Legion’s commanders/officers in terms of banter. Unlike when Rince was introduced, which I thought was an odd way for a minor officer to behave with his superiors, this time he really fit right in. The celebratory mood helps a lot to break down normal barriers. When he was introduced everyone was more on edge, so that’s why that moment felt off.

It feels like Jhuz, as a metsi and the army Standard (before he took command) should know more about the different metsi. I can understand how he wouldn’t know about the obscure metsi, such as Rince the fox, since there is only one fox in the army. But the herd are the largest group of metsi and the core of the army, so logically he should be aware of what they suffer from. He went to the academy right? He studied all the major battles. Herd metsi should be familiar. Now it could be he didn’t think of it, but a simple reminder from Ezlio should make him recall the Herd’s problems.

I didn’t quite get the comment “I just want to know how you survived. If it’s something we can teach to the men...”. Jhuz got lucky in that his head wasn’t ripped off or his neck broken; he was fortunate that Ezlio was there to stab the Chell to death after Jhuz hit him in the stomach. All they can teach is to walk in pairs and don’t let your head get ripped off.

I was surprised by Jhuz’s and the Academy’s disdain of weapons and engineering. It seems to me that soldiers would be more accepting of better weapons, especially the regulars who don’t have special powers to rely on. But here it seems like every technological advancement is rejected out of hand, at least before Jhuz got command. This makes no sense unless the civilisations are deliberately kept ignorant, which might be the case since the Chell have all those rules, including warfare and what’s allowed.