Timewaster's Guide Archive
Local Authors => Reading Excuses => Topic started by: ErikHolmes on April 23, 2010, 09:26:53 PM
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Hey guys,
I've been talking with Brandon's editor Moshe over email, trying to help him with a problem with MS Word. I decided what the hell, we've been talking in emails back and forth for the past few days, maybe I should give him my elevator speech and see what happens.
LOL, now I just need an elevator pitch for The Sword of Worlds.
This is what I've come up with so far, can I get your opinions on it?
Thanks!
The novel is about two high school kids that use a magic sword to travel to other worlds where a lot of our legends about faeries, gods and other mythological figures come from. They get separated and the girl gets involved with the plots of a dark faerie goddess, while the guy meets and falls in love with a beautiful troll.
In the book the guy is forced to make a choice: save the troll he loves. Or go up against the dark god who's taken his magic sword and save the world.
What do you guys think of it?
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I like it. You might toss in a brief sketch of the trilogy too though (at least, assuming it is going to be a trilogy or something like that; I thought it was).
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I would pitch themes at him too, if you're using any. The pitch isn't bad, but the story sounds somewhat generic "Connecticut Yankee."
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Erik, it sounds completely generic and unappealing, and not the kind of book Moshe likes. I'm not saying he WON'T like your book, but not from this description.
Unfortunately I'm not good at recommending pitches for a book unless I've read that book, and I am not volunteering since I'm swamped with Way of Kings. :)
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Erik, it sounds completely generic and unappealing, and not the kind of book Moshe likes. I'm not saying he WON'T like your book, but not from this description.
Thanks for the candor Peter, I'd come to the same conclusion myself and have been trying to make it sound better. Unfortunately, I've always sucked as a salesman!
I've really been wondering if I should even ask him in an email, but this week I'd been trying to help him with that MS Word problem he was having and he seemed to really appreciate my help so I thought if I was ever going to approach him, now might be a good time.
Part of me thinks its not the way to approach him, but the other part of me is saying don't let the opportunity pass. My chances of ever meeting him in person are pretty slim.
I'd changed it to:
Kail and Ellie are two high school kids that are given a magic sword by a murdered friend and use it to travel to other worlds where many of our legends about faeries, gods and other mythological figures come from. They are soon separated, Ellie getting involved with the plots of a dark faerie goddess, while Kail meets and falls in love with a beautiful troll.
Before they can be reunited Kail is forced to make a choice: save the troll he loves. Or go up against the dark god who's taken Ellie and his magic sword . . . and save the world.
It's a fast paced story with a lot of action, comedy and a dose of romance, which I think will fit into the YA market.
But I don't know if the above is much better. I want to keep it brief, so I guess I was trying to go for informative rather than impressive. I've never read what other people have used for their elevator pitches, so it feels hard to come up with a good one.
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I'm not a salesman either, but I think you want to focus a little more on the conflict at the heart of the story. I think your second version is a little better for that. Spend less time describing the set-up and the world, and more time on the character choices and conflict. I wouldn't be worried about giving things away or anything like that, either. Just my thoughts, of course...
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Two young adults are transported to a sort of mythical Scotland with the aid of a mystical sword given to them by a murdered friend. Separated, each of the youths are confronted with evil fairy queens, attractive troll women, and ultimately choices in the veins of "self vs whole," in regard to keeping one's head down with friends and family to protect those we love, or higher purposes. Knights, kung fu, walking dead, scary monsters, and rather comedic romances that both sexes will find alluring and entertaining, while reminding them that every choice made carries regrettable consequences, no matter how good or how bad that choice initially seems.
Okay it's like 1:30 in the morning. It's the best suggestion I can make.
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Oh yeah. Definitely mention the whole "friend getting murdered thing" as the prelude to going into the other worlds.
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Two young adults are transported to a sort of mythical Scotland with the aid of a mystical sword given to them by a murdered friend. Separated, each of the youths are confronted with evil fairy queens, attractive troll women, and ultimately choices in the veins of "self vs whole," in regard to keeping one's head down with friends and family to protect those we love, or higher purposes. Knights, kung fu, walking dead, scary monsters, and rather comedic romances that both sexes will find alluring and entertaining, while reminding them that every choice made carries regrettable consequences, no matter how good or how bad that choice initially seems.
Okay it's like 1:30 in the morning. It's the best suggestion I can make.
Taking LTU's initial offering, I worked it slightly into this:
After the death of a dear friend, two young adults flee from his murders in fear of their lives, escaping through the use of his last gift to them: a mystical sword that slices the barriers between worlds. Thrown into a mysterious, mystical realm, injured and separated, Kail and Ellie find themselves confronted by evil fairy queens, lovely troll maidens, and soul-crushing choices - keep their heads down and protect those they love, or sacrifice their safety to protect a world they don't understand?
Dashing knights, high-flying kung fu, walking dead, terrifying monsters, and comedic romances that young adults will find alluring and entertaining, while reminding them that every choice made carries regrettable consequences... consequences that care little of the intent of those that made them.
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That's what I got for now...
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Oh, an elevator pitch. You are one brave man. I don't know Moshe, but my suggestion would to be take the idea shivertongue gave you as far as content goes and kill the rhetorical question (generally agents hate them) and insert your own style. If you can make it somewhat humorous (like the book itself) rather then telling me it is comedic that would be even better. Tiny details and some color can go a long way. I'm also slightly concerned about the wording of the last line as shivertongue has it. It just seems a bit heavy handed, like you are trying too hard in a bad way.
And are you sure you want to push it to YA? Up to you how you want to sell it, but from what I read I would say it feels more adult style wise, regardless of the characters actual ages.
Good luck. I'll be rooting for you. :D
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Thanks for all of the great advice guys. I think I've come up with a pitch I like. Tell me what you think of it:
When a dear friend is murdered, two teens are forced to flee from his murders, escaping into other worlds using a mystic sword they are sworn to protect. Thrown into realms of faerie tales and legend, injured and separated, Ellie finds herself confronted by monstrous draken, the plots of a dark faerie queen and ancient gods wishing a return to former glory. Kail is faced with dangers of a different sort when he falls in love with a beautiful troll princess, a creature known for eating her mates.
It's a fast paced story full of kung fu and sword fights, terrifying monsters and unstoppable body snatchers, with a comedic romance that young adults will find alluring and entertaining. During their adventure Kail and Ellie overcome ancient immortals with the help of powerful magic, wisecracks an a few new friends and both are forced to make a choice: save the one they love, or save the world.
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I like your newest version, but you might re-work the last sentence for grammar purposes. It made my English degree hurt.
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So I happened to catch Dan Wells on facebook chat and he shot down my pitch saying that it didn't really tell what the book was about. So now I'm thinking of going with:
Its about a 17 yr old guy that's entrusted with a magic sword by a dying friend, which sends him and the girl next door to a realm of myths and legend. Once there he is separated from both his friend and the sword he's sworn to protect and is forced to confront faeries, trolls and even gods in order to get them back.
Along the way he falls in love with a beautiful troll, discovers that his gaining of the sword was no accident and that he is not human.
Damn coming up with something like this for my book is hard. How do I condense so much awesome into a few lines? :D
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That, Erik, is the eternal question.
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Ok, came up with a new one:
Kail thought he was just an average kid until his best friend entrusted him with a magic sword with his dying breath. After it transports him to another world of magic and legends he'll be confronted with the seemingly impossible task of overcoming faeries, unkillable body snatchers and even gods in order to keep his promise to his friend. But while there he will meet a beautiful troll that will reveal to him that he is more then mortal--a Godslayer. Alone and stranded, he will have to make a choice: save the one he loves, or save the world.
I feel like I'm getting closer...
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And I helped!
Though, now that I've been awake since 4am, I'm spent.
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So I bit the bullet and just sent the query to Moshe!
I went with:
Kail thought he was just an average kid until his best friend entrusted him with a magic sword with his dying breath. After it transports him to another world of magic and legends he'll be confronted with the seemingly impossible task of overcoming faeries, unkillable body snatchers and even gods in order to keep his promise to his friend. But while there he will meet a beautiful troll that will reveal to him that he is more then mortal--a Godslayer. Alone and stranded, he will have to make a choice: save the one he loves, or save the world.
He told me he'd look at it, unless its YA! LOL. If it's YA he has to refer it to Susan Chang since she's Tor's YA editor. But he also offered to help me get in contact with her!
All in all, I'm happy with the response I got. It seems positive.
I replied to him and explained that I wrote it thinking it would be YA, but that others have told me that they don't think that it is. I gave him a little more info. We'll see if he thinks its a YA or not.
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Congrats man. The story rocks, so I hope it goes somewhere.
One minor thing you might correct if you should send the elevator speech somewhere else:
Kail thought he was just an average kid until a dying friend entrusted him with a magic sword[Omit]. After the sword transports . . .
As to whether or not it's YA, that's a tough one to call. The story has elements of both genres, although if it's YA, it might sell better, so keep that in mind. Your editor might want to market it that way for profit reasons.
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As to whether or not it's YA, that's a tough one to call. The story has elements of both genres, although if it's YA, it might sell better, so keep that in mind. Your editor might want to market it that way for profit reasons.
LOL, _I_ want to market it that way for profit reasons!
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True, true. Of course, you could modify the beginning just a little and make it even more YA. If your MC is about 18, then you'll easily fit the category.
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Always good to get editors to look at it. Though even if they like it, you know you sort of need to finish the book.
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Congrats. Though Chaos is right. Hmmm... I don't think I would want editors anywhere near my MS until I was finished. I have a hard enough time staying motivated after letting you guys go at it. :P
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Heck, I'm not letting you guys see what really cool work is happening in Rebirth until the end of the summer.