Timewaster's Guide Archive
Local Authors => Reading Excuses => Topic started by: WEKM on December 01, 2008, 09:04:30 AM
-
Thank you in advance for any help you can give. I hope you all enjoyed this.
-
I used to love reading superhero comic books—I’ve never been a fan of the movies—so when I read your email I decided that I wanted to read this first. I have to say that I’m a bit torn about the first chapter. On one hand I love your little plot twists, on the other I saw both coming a mile away. I assume that you wanted the reader to know about Blaster/Nobel before the reveal, however if you didn’t, what gave it away for me was when Nobel started giving blow for blow dialog about between a missing man, his dead family, and a dead man. Also Nobel was giving the emotional reactions of Blaster. Now, the Kevin/Robert connection was a bit more of a random guess (right before he’d looked at his tattoos, I’d guessed that he was a Powered, and right after he was shot I wondered if he was Blaster/Nobel’s son).
While I’m no the topic, I’m not good a guessing plot twists. I usually just set back and let the story come to me rather than try to guess twists, so if I do guess a plot twist right, it is usually because the author wanted the reader to. Take that for what it’s worth.
On to the superpowers; one of the main reasons that even as a child I’d stopped reading superhero comic was because too many superheroes seem too close to immortal. Many of them don’t ever seem to be matched against villains of equal abilities, or if the villain is as strong, then he’s stupid. I don’t know what to think about your character’s powers yet, but when I read that opening profile that says Blaster/Nobel is invulnerable, then some of that old prejudice starts to boil up.
I didn’t read the opening profile until I'd already read the chapter/story. I wanted to get into the story before getting documentation. I don’t know if others felt the same way, but that was my reaction.
Nobel, especially right at the opening, felt like a mix between Harry Dresden and the wizard Zan from the Sword of Truth. I like Harry, I never liked Zan he always seemed to take small common sense things overboard, and I felt a little bit of that with Nobel talking to Kevin/Robert about the chairs. Doing this once or twice wouldn’t bother me, but if it became epidemic as it did with Zan’s character, then I would put the book down—feels too preachy.
Those couple of things aside, I really enjoyed your story and look forward to reading the next chapter.
-
I too was a tad peeved that of the two superheros we've seen so far, both are immortal.
Also I completely agree with how the Commander fellow somehow knows word-for-word what Blaster said. I understand that seeing as he was Blaster he would know, but still. It threw me off.
Also the Yoda reference really threw me off.
I did really like the description of how the bullet went through Phoenix's body. Very, very cool, and probably something I would have considered impossible to describe in writing if I had seen it in a movie.
Overall it's looking pretty good! Keep it up!
-
Yeah, i thought the Commander stating James' family's exact words was very strange.
Also, I don't see how Kevin figured out Nobel was James...
And when you said the mother and sister hadn't recovered yet, does that mean they're still alive?
Cruel, not crewel. Since, not always sense.
-
I can't really add anything that hasn't already been said.
I for one loved it! I'm very interested in seeing where you go from here (what type of villains you'll have)
Keep up the good work!
-
To start off, I really like the story and your ideas on how to implement it are very solid.
I guess I need a refresher on short stories, but is there a chapter 2? Or is the whole thing done in one? If so, you nailed it. If not, then you need to save more for following chapters. (I wouldn't put much stock in this advice as I'm not familiar with the short story environment).
I agree with the others, Nobel reveals detail upon detail of the events that leads you to realize that he is in fact Blaster, or at least knows him personally. I think this gives away your plot twist entirely to early. (Good plot twist mind you!). The son is also a great twist. I would like to see this go farther (if short stories allow for it). Because of the shortness of the story, it feels very very rushed to me. We jump into it almost forcefully (although I like the brief testing with the chair in the beginning).
The idea is solid and I think it has lots of potential. Good luck, hope this helps in some way.
-
I actually thought it was, and critiqued it as, a completed short story. In fact, I believe WEKM said something about it going into a short story contest. Or maybe I'm confused...
I didn't think it seemed rushed, and I didn't feel the plot twists were too predictable. I didn't see them coming (but I'm also not familiar with superhero story tropes. Does that matter?). Actually, I'm a little less certain about Kevin being Nobel's son. I didn't have a problem with it while reading, but thinking about it I do sort of have an "Of COURSE Kevin is his son" sort of reaction.
I'm just going to cut and paste my comments, they're not organized in anyway except as reader reactions. I just wrote things down as I went through the story.
I also let myself be picky because I you mentioned you were submitting it. My extensive comments don't mean I don't like the story, because I most certainly did. Also, I'm sorry this critique runs a little long:
You should probably format the report at the beginning differently. Just to make it clear that this isn’t prose, but is part of the story. (And I didn’t mind that it came right at the beginning of the story. I don’t know where else you’d put it, in fact.)
I like Nobel testing Kevin, but I’m not entirely sure that this is the place. It seemed a bit strange that he would grill someone who just walked into his office with a question. And then I wondered about it again when he made the remark about “that’s why I assigned you to go through those files”. Now it seems as if he assigned Kevin those files BECAUSE of his tendency to question. If that’s the case, shouldn’t he have tested him before he ever assgined him the files?
While telling Kevin about Blaster, Nobel switches suddenly to talking about the Patriot, and I’m not certain why. It seems a total nonsequitur when it isn’t. I think it’s only a problem because it takes a paragraph or tw, for him to make the connection.
Nobel’s remark about Madam Destiny stealing the “always in motion the future is” saying also seems out of place. Funny, but in the wrong spot.
The absolute detail Nobel is going into about the kidnapping of Blaster’s family also seems a bit out of place. I was willing to let it go by until Nobel started including the dialogue. I just can’t make that make sense. (Even assuming that Nobel knew Blaster, and later realizing that Nobel IS Blaster, I can’t make it make sense)
On the other hand, as I continue reading I see just why you wanted to give us the dialogue here. I think it is more effective this way, it’s just weird having Nobel say it.
Patriot told Blaster that his family wouldn’t last a tenth of four seconds. Yet his daughter still had time to call out, “Daddy, it hurts”.
Kevin’s textbook answer about the Kansas crater seems a bit like an information dump to me. I like the way the revelation was done though, you could probably fix this just by cutting out a bit of the detail there. The soil-into-glass bit, as cool as it was, could probably go.
I like the quick way Blaster finished off Patriot. Nobel giving the dialogue didn’t bug me as much this time. It still seems weird when I think about it, but didn’t drag me out of the story this time.
When Kevin asks if he can ask Nobel questions, Nobel goes off talking about how he’d be a hypocrite if he said no. Which is true, but it seems kinda like he went off on a rant.
I think you prepared us really well for the Nobel-as-Blaster revelation. As Nobel was talking, I kept getting the feeling that Nobel knew Blaster very well, but was still surprised. It does seem that Kevin had very little to go on in making that assumption, though. Of course, we get very little of Blaster’s emotional reaction, just his dialogue. Seeing Kevin process Nobel’s tone of voice, his gestures, and facial expressions, could probably go a long way towards making this seem more believable.
Oh. The point-of-view does skitter between Nobel and Kevin. I don’t think it’s a problem, didn’t mind it while I was reading it, but I do wonder – what would happen if you picked one or the other?
That's it from me. Finally, I know.
-
That's it from me. Finally, I know.
Actually, that was the type of point by point review I was hoping for. This has hardly been seen by anyone, so I knew it would be rough tossing it in here, but I needed to know where to put the polish to.
Also, your WordDoc Comments were very helpful. Thanks. Now I need to tear back into it and see what fiddly bits to throw out and which to punch up.
Also, let me apologize to everyone, I should have opened up and looked at the file before sending it as that was just my straight TXT file exported to Word, and it did need some more formatting. Totally my fault. And I absolutely PROMISE it won't happen again. Talk about opening the door into your own face.
-
Haha. No worries - stuff like that happens.
Good to know I didn't go overboard. Indepth critiques are pretty much expected in university creative writing classes, and by now I know most of my classmates very well indeed, so I'm sort of used to going at people no holds barred...
-
Works for me. Anything short of a false insulting of my heritage is fair game.
If it's a true factual insult of my heratige, game on.
-
For starters, the Blaster dossier at the top reads like a Champions character stat sheet. I would suggest something less obvious as 'comic book' and more scientific analysis. Instead of "doesn't appear to age" how about "gerio-stasis." I would also say his blood is flamable, not explosive. I hate to suggest techno-babble, but in this case it may work.
Despite what you are trying to do, I think Nobel over-explains things. Much of what he says about Kevin after he is shot but doesn't die again sounds like a grocery list of game statistics and not a real-world assessment of them. Besides, if Kevin has been with the Bureau for any significant length of time the terminology Nobel uses would be rather rudimentary. And by over-explaining you insult the intelligence of your readers.
Likewise, instead of having the characters say "yeah, my middle name is Nobel" you have the names given parenthetically: Kevin, (actually Robert Kevin Mercer) rushed to and embraced his father, (James Nobel Mercer) and they both wept. Okay, after they hug I kinda figured out who each one was. The parentheses were a bit insulting.
The story in and of itself is fine. You just need to tighten up and streamline it a bit.
-
I didn't think the parentheses were insulting. I'd taken them as a point of emphasis, not the author-over explanining.
(Because, what would be the fun of a writing group if we all agreed with one another in our criticism?)
I think Karl has a good point in the main, though.
-
I felt insulted. I don't feel I needed that much information beating me over the head. I got it. Good. Move on!
-
And even though Mommy and Daddy are fighting right now doesn't mean we don't both love our little WEKM!
-
XDD
What he said.
I actually liked the emphasis of the parentheses. I wonder if you would feel less offended by it if some of the other stuff was cleared up. Sometimes it's just a question of the straw that broke the camel's back, if you know what I mean.
-
I guess I see parentheses as something used in non-fiction or technical writing, but not in creative writing. I suppose the only exception would be if the story was in first person with the MC as narrator.
So when I'm in a 3rd person story and there is this narrative intrusion, it jarred me.
This is much like Necroben's over use of the semicolon. It is a break with common writing convention.
Now if you have a specific stylistic reason for using them, fine. But be aware that some may not like it.
So, Raethe, have we beat this horse enough? I think it's dead!
-
OK I like the idea of a father and son reunion, in fact I would say this works as a family story beyond its superhero overtones. I only have two problems with it. First you called the guy "young" four times in the first two paragraphs. Show don't tell. Second the dossier could use some work and finally "an accident at a chemical plant" is the origin story of way to many heros and villans (one from the watchmen), Spiderman in a manner of speaking, the Joker, two face, Doctor Doom and a few others I'm probably missing.
The only other request I have is that from now on you don't use courier new single spaced. The journalism major in me screams at that font (it's what our printers use if there is something wrong the the standard formating of a page).
-
Haha. Yes, quite dead.
-
My poor horse.
And I still have payments to make on him. :'(
-
The only other request I have is that from now on you don't use courier new single spaced. The journalism major in me screams at that font (it's what our printers use if there is something wrong the the standard formating of a page).
I apologized earlier, as I grabbed the file that was a straight TXT to DOC conversion with no reformatting. I am ashamed. :-[
Thanks for all the other comments guys. I guess I have a lot of work to do. Still, not bad for a first draft, eh?
Don't worry, I'll get back to polishing it until it is blinding.
-
Eh no worries, two keystrokes was all it took to fix it on my screen.
-
-blink-
-blink-
This had me completely.... I think involved is the word. Almost cried when poor Evie shouted out about how it hurt. Poor them....
And then OMG and WTF were the only other things I could say whilst reading it. In shock, let me assure you.
Apart from a few typos, it was very well written, kept the suspence up as you got to the story being told... even if I did think it was a little slow to begin with.
Congrats, I think.
-
I'm really not sure what to make of this story. I really liked the gritty direction you took the story when you told the story of what happened in Blasters last mission only to kind of shoot yourself in the foot by having his son appear later on. I’m not really sure what to think about all the crying going on. In itself I don’t mind it, I’m having a hard time applying it on the over the top über masculine archetype of the superhero. All in all I think there is a perfectly fine story in there, it could do with some polishing though.
I didn’t like the character sheet setup you set off with. That said I’m not at all sure how you could work around it in this case. Somehow I think it could be worked into the dialogue, or perhaps even skipped in its entirety. Since his powers are not essential to the plot I’d guess you could get away with cutting it actually.
If Kevin is his son I’d expect a stronger fondness for him, if not overt, then in his own mind. In order for that revelation to work you’d need to stick with Kevin as viewpoint character.
The orange chair thing works for me but takes too long. To me he passed the test when he asked which one he meant, arguing which right chair he could take didn’t really add anything after that. Also the clarification for testing him could be scratched at this point, and be given in short when he gets back to the opening discussion later on.
The talk about Blasters file needs some more dialogue tags. In this dialogue I lost track of who was saying what. Also, why are they telling each other what’s in the file only to recognise moments later that the other one also read his bio? Wouldn’t that make the information known to both parties?
Also, I got a chuckle out of you naming the villain the Patriot.
The Yoda quote pulled me out of the story. One way of making it work is to announce upfront that she likes quoting Yoda, and then have him mimic it. (Or you could just scratch it)
The telling of Blasters fate was the part that managed to suck me in most. The word by word telling didn’t put me off; I was desperately waiting for a flashback which would show me some action.
I rather liked the way you had him destroy his family up close and personal. Nothing says emotional impact quite as strongly as incinerating your family in your own arms. The thing that shot it down though is him knowing they were powered. And there’s no real way of him not knowing it either, at least not while maintaining the close-knit family image you had there. If they all knew their powers, how where they captured, and why was there so much crying involved if they were expecting to all survive the ordeal? The other thing that stuck out was the way in which they selflessly chose to be incinerated for the greater good. This is an impossibly large sacrifice to make so easily.
The hypocrite part contains far too much explanation where a simple yes would suffice. (This would be the par where you could have him explain why he tested Kevin in the beginning, if you really want to have him say more here.)
The reveal that Nobel was Blaster did work out for me. I was too involved in the action to really consider it coming.
Kevin not knowing his background I can believe, having a huge tattoo on your arm and not questioning how or where you got it is harder to conceive. Wouldn’t other people ask about it?
The gun scene is great.
I miss a point after Kevin getting back his memory in which Nobel flashes a knowing smile. Clearly he set him up to make that decision right after hearing about his own big sacrifice.
I was disappointed by the father-son twist as it watered down the earlier emotional impact.
The names in parentheses are redundant and take us out of the story for no reason. Though I didn’t find them insulting as such, I do agree that they should be scratched.
-
First off, I would like to point out that, although I love superhero movies, and have read a few superhero comics, I've never read a superhero novel. As such, I'm not entirely familiar with the style of the genre. Keep that in mind when reading my comments.
Overall, I liked it. I like superheroes. I think they're awesome. Simply having them in your story already earns it some cool points. I thought the characters, their backgrounds, and their powers were well thought out, and pretty cool.
However, I felt that it was a little hard to believe that the character was able to make the connection that Nobel was both Blaster and his father. With the evidence given, I never would have come close to guessing either. I think it is just fine that he makes those connections in the first chapter, but I think it would need more obvious clues than were given.
Another part that bothered me was Nobel's narration of what happened to Blaster. While, by the end, it is understandable why he would be able to know so many details about the event, the way he tells it doesn't seem believable. Even if he was there, and knew the details of the event vividly, would he tell it like that? It felt too much like you were just narrating the scene normally, than actually having Nobel relate the story.
Despite those setbacks, however, I liked it, and think it has a lot of potential. Superheroes are awesome. :)