Timewaster's Guide Archive
Games => Role-Playing Games => Topic started by: firstRainbowRose on November 24, 2008, 08:07:10 PM
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I walked into the room, nearly reeling from the overpowering smell of bacon. And really, it wasn't that surprising when I thought about it, since everywhere I looked there were things that had to do with the meat. I wasn't sure, but I was pretty sure that there was even bacon glued to the lights. Really, it was kind of making me hungry.
It looked like I was the first one to get there, but I knew there was going to be more coming in. After all, we had all been there from the beginning. We had watched him become amazed by her europian origins and propose on the spot. Ah, love at first site is an amazing thing. Sitting down, I waited for someone else to come in.
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I watched the firstrainbowrose sit down from where I stood in the doorway. I had seem her go in, but I wanted to finish my smoke. Grounding the butt under heel, I silently made my way around the back side of the church. I checked to make sure I had everything in place, it was, and waited silently in the shadows.
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I had been sitting at the bar for some time when I realized the time. That close already! After leaving some money on the bar, I stood and grabbed my drink while I made my way to the door. Once outside I realized I was fairly bright outside and I kicked myself for forgetting my sunglasses. That was when I noticed that someone was already climbing the stairs to the church across the street. I made my way over and arrived just as the man finished his cigarette. Once alone at the stairs to the church I decided to have a seat and finish my drink, I knew this might take a while and I didn't want to loose my buzz.
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I fixed my trench coat, straightening it as I stood outside the large church. One hand pressed dark, tinted shades against the bridge of my nose as I admired the beautiful architecture. A number of early arrivers congregated under the pristine white columns and roof that sheltered cool marble steps.
As I walked forward, my feet echoed on those same steps. My coat flared and spun dramatically with the wind. I approved.
You see, I wanted to make an entrance.
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From off in the distance, I happened to notice several people entering a church that just so happened to be on my way. Slightly curious, I checked the time, stroked my short beard in thought, and pondered to myself 'Church? At this hour?'
Obviously unconvinced, I buttoned up and straightened my slightly wrinkled shirt, dusted off my black slacks, run a hand through my slightly ruffled hair, and checked my slightly worn business shoes, and figured I was either casual enough, or formal enough as the occasion warrants, to slip in without too much of a scene.
Continuing down the cemented sidewalk, and heading towards the magnificent steeple, I made sure to walk with a confident air, as to appear that I am supposed to be there. I planned to slip in and steal a seat towards the back, and hopefully get out before my ruse is unveiled.
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Bacon really wasn’t something I had been keen on until recently. Sometimes, the smell of it in the morning made me get out of bed... but other times left me hiding under the covers, longing for it to go away as fast as possible. Though, when I had seen the church, all of those thoughts completely flew out of my mind. This was the place. I knew it.
No. We knew it. The church was the first we had set eyes on, but, the situation reminded me at least of how we fell in love. It was the first time we had met. First time we had spoken even. Nonetheless, he was the one, and I didn’t need a neon sign to prove the matter.
The morning of the wedding had been spent getting ready... going to have my hair done, and zipping into the decorated white dress. I had dreamed of this day all my life, and no matter how quick the rest of the relationship had been, I was going to feel like I’d always wanted to feel on my big day. Our big day. The day we’d remember forever.
Placing a tiara in my hair, all curled and expertly pinned back, I looked in the mirror. This was the right time... it just had to be. Butterflies began to appear in my stomach as I looked away from the reflection. This was not the time for second thoughts. I’d gone to extreme lengths to make sure I didn’t get cold feet. Three pairs of socks would cover them until I put on the shoes that hadn’t even been worn in yet. Hopefully they wouldn’t hurt by the end of the day. If they did... well... a brave face it would have to be.
Standing up, I walked over to the window, noting the guests beginning to arrive. My bridesmaid was somewhere around too. Where, I wasn’t quite sure... maybe scowling at the heels that were to go with the sky blue dress that had been on the hanger in the next room... maybe she had put in a phone call to get them changed. To be honest, I’d not left my room in about an hour... maybe longer.
Maybe my feet were colder than I first thought. Perhaps a fourth pair of socks were in order.
It wouldn’t be long until it was time to go now.
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I waited, watched, and judged as one by one people began to wander in from outside into the church. I had been here long enough for the sanctity of this place to begin affecting me. My skin began to itch and burn; not painfully, but in a rather uncomfortable way that no shifting or shrugging of my shoulders would alleviate. I ran my tongue over my eye teeth as they too started to itch. I would have to start soon if my mission was to be successful.
Movement from outside snagged my attention; a man going through the dumpster across the way. Feeding will help give me the time I need to wait, but it might be cutting it a little close. My hunger would not be denied; compelled I began making my way out of hiding to exit the church
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After finishing my drink I spent a few minutes sucking on the ice at the bottom of the glass. I might need every drop to get me through the ceremony. I mean that's the worst part anyway. Sitting in those pews or chairs and listening to some guy that no one even knows blather on about eternal love. What a joke. Not love of course, love is great. Good for anyone who was in love and wanting to get married. I just don't understand why people don't just invite me to the reception? They keep insisting that I go to the ceremony. I guess its alright seeing how they're friends.
After dumping the remaining contents of my glass in the bushes I stood and made my way to the door. Once inside I was pleasantly surprised to detect an aroma of bacon. Bacon! Well I guess this is one wedding I can enjoy. So I made my way down the center isle and took a seat in the fourth row right on the isle. Not too close but close enough to see the tension and the looks on the bride and grooms faces. I checked my phone while I waited for more people to arrive to make sure it was on silent. After confirming that status of my phone I looked over my shoulder to see if anyone I knew was arriving and I noticed someone leaving from the back of the church. Ah well, at least I lasted longer than who ever that was. I just hope it wasn't the bride or groom.
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Standing in my office, I looked carefully in the mirror. Today was to be a big day - the first wedding in the Church of Fellfrosch that hopefully wouldn't end with someone dying of a cholesterol-induced heart-attack, or mass vomiting - and everything was to be perfect.
Picking up the large, feathered purple and black headdress from it's stand, I neatly set it on my head, and used the mirror to set it into place. As I continued setting about myself with regalia, I listened to the small din from the main chapel, and hoped that the rabid servants/altar-boys had set out the appetizers and lit the bacon incense.
Finishing my arduous preparations, I stepped out into the main chapel and took a good look around at the handful of people gathered. Never had so many graced this hall - except that one time we were mysteriously chosen to host a Fat-Losers meeting.
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I glanced at my watch before turning back to the dumpster. It was starting soon. Foraging through the trash, I went over the game plan in my head. My timing had to be perfect. ooh! this pizza box has a few crusts left in it! There would be no room for error. However, I had confidence in my plan. How many movies with wedding scenes had I watched? How many hours had I spent rehearsing my entrance? I was prepared. Nothing was going to stop me. Hey, there's a few drops of Mountain Dew left in this bottle! Oh boy!
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I looked around the room, noting the fabulous strips of bacon hanging from the ten foot ceiling to just over my head. Yes, the after-wedding luncheon and dance would be legendary. All that was left for The Bacon Brothers to show up. They were a bit more country than I was used to, but the Fellfroschian ministry had spent hours explaining why no one else could play for a true believer's reception. Apparently there were several songs specially composed by the brothers for church services. "Skin Like Roasted Bacon" stood out particularly on the list.
Walking across the room to the window, I looked outside. There was the church, just across a beautiful field. Still no sign of StoatLad. The wanker had probably forgotten. I strode across the room and grabbed the receiver of the phone, feeling the soft salted meat in my hand. This was by far the most posh room I had ever had the opportunity to enter. Even the couches seemed to be upholstered with bacon. How they had managed to keep them from ripping was a mystery. Probably some arcane method unknown to all but members of the church.
Looking back to the slimy receiver in my hand, I remembered why I had picked it up in the first place. I dialed and looked around as the phone rang.
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Standing in a back room with the other Chorus members, I sighed and looked around, wondering how much longer until the ceremony was to begin. The bacon clock on the wall seemed like a good idea, but whoever had engineered it hadn't quite mastered the mechanics of the clock. It didn't tick.....Actually, it didn't function at all.
I glanced out the window and judged from the brightness and the position of the sun that we'd been there for 2 hours and 36 minutes. I knew the reasons for the practice. The Chorus had to sound perfect. The priest would stand for nothing less on this momentous day for the Church. And as nerve-wracking as it was for me to know people would judge mine and the others laughs, I couldn't help thinking that I'd rather be standing in the Chorus than up at that altar....
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I crouched above him, hidden from casual view, atop an ornamental ledge on the side of the building. I studied his movements as he gleefully pulled hidden treasures from the waste of others. Ironic really, as I do much the same thing.
So much is wasted and lost, things gone unused as people go about their lives, oblivious to the waste they generate.
I have the way to use their waste, their unknown squandering of things left unsaid, to fuel my own needs.
I fed as the man's excitement wafted from him, his charged emotion fueling my starved soul. I sucked in his wasted energy, that bit that's always left over. They say we only use 10-20% of our brains, their wrong; it's used but wasted, as people as a whole have not learned to harness their own power. My kind has known for millennia, have been able to feed on the masses of humanity without them ever realizing it.
My own power now charged, I climbed the shade-darkened side of the church. I stopped at a stained glass window of unusual design and removed two panes. Was that a clock made of Bacon?
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I paused, a piece of moldy ham hanging from my mouth, noticing that I had suddenly felt unusually tired and emotionally numb. I shrugged, and returned to checking the bottom of the discarded shoe for gum.
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I looked up from the book I had been reading, and was slightly surprised to see that there were a few other people in the room. Hm... time to go and be... well, who I am I thought. Closing my book (but not before I made note of the page number) I glided over to one of the other guests, loving the feel of my long flowing skirts around my legs. (Okay, let's be honest here, I simply loved my dress. It made me feel like I had just stepped out of a faerie tale, with the dropped sleeves, matching gloves, and my hair done up just so. Just exactly my style. Sadly though, there were so few excuses to wear such clothing) As I walked towards the man seated a few rows behind I tried to decide if I should go with a full introduction (which, might take a while) or something simple. When I finally reached him, I simply held out my hand with a smile and said, "Hi."
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I peered around the chapel, looking into the faces of the people as they arrived, some licking the bacon-coated walls, others chewing on the pews they sat in. All in all, it was a glorious congregation. Walking stately across the dais, past the alter and the large portrait of His Awesomeness, I laid my hand on the knob of the choir room door, and braced myself.
Carefully turning the knob, I pulled the door open rapidly, darted in, and slammed it closed behind - not wanting to disturb the guests with the sounds of the Chorus. Their high-pitched demonic shrieks and yowls were like a sharpened rake being ground across one's ears, and it was... Perfect.
"Alright!" I shouted, looking up at the non-functional bacon clock and muttering a small prayer to He-Who-Enjoys-Shooting-the-Breeze-with-the-Cartoonist-and-the-Dreamer. "Do any of you foul, evil souls know where the bride and groom are? They must be anointed with the holy lard."
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Foul?, I thought, turning toward the priest. That's a little extreme....I paused in my thinking. Evil now....That's a more accurate description..... I looked up to answer the man, opening my mouth, and then my eyes widened in shock. What was that on his head and where did he find it? It faintly resembled a turkey, if the turkey in question had been dyed fuschia and black....although I suppose the black wouldn't have to be dye....In fact, as I looked closer, it almost looked like tire marks....
I shook my head, averting my eyes from the ghastly thing sitting on his head. I stared at the window, noting that a couple of panes were missing and said, "Your Holiness, the bride passed through here two hours ago on her way to her dressing room. I believe she is still there. The groom I have not seen." I glanced back at him, hoping to catch his expression, but the only sight my eyes caught was that cursed roadkill-turkey-miter that I prayed he wasn't actually wearing for the ceremony. How in the name of Fell himself was I going to laugh evilly when all I really wanted to do was truly laugh?
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No answer. I slapped the phone back down. I really needed one of those at home. The spin dial was especially choice. Bacon filigreed with bacon fat, cooked and preserved perfectly. Not eating the work of art was difficult, but I needed to return the facilities as they were lent to me. His saltiness himself owned...
A strong wind shook the dirigible. I held onto the table to steady myself, careful not to damage anything. I stood up straight again, looking down at my suit. I looked good. Oh, I looked so good. I checked out the windows on either side of the large room. The morning was clear. It was likely just a breeze blowing in off the ocean. Nothing to worry about now but an absent best man. And my own good looks causing the bride to swoon, but I would cross that bridge when I came to it.
I checked my cell phone, but it had no reception inside the mysterious craft. Ah, well. Stoaty would be along some time. Putting on my gloves and top hat, I started toward the stairs of the landing platform. Suddenly I remembered the rope at the end of the vessel. A brilliant groom needed a brilliant entrance, even if nobody was there to watch it. I walked to the end of the long room, opened the door, and walked on to the door of the cabin. I knocked and then pushed the door open, nodding to the captain as I kicked open the trapdoor hatch. I picked up the rolled up rope from the hook it was kept on and dropped it into the hole. Winking to the captain, I grabbed the hanging cord and stepped into the air.
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I lounged there in the back row, taking in the beauty of the church, combined with that delicious smell. Bacon. I couldn't believe it. The sights and sounds of the church were pleasing to every sense. Determinedly, I made the decision that I would stay here for as long as possible, despite not being an intended guest. Hopefully no one would notice. So far I had evaded notice, and haven't had anyone cast so much as a questioning glance towards me, and no one has approached for conversation. I was basically in the clear. I smirk to myself as I notice more guests arriving, each taking their place, paying no mind to other guests, and knew if things kept going this way, I would be fine.
After a few moments of carefree basking in the church's splendor, I notice a girl a few rows in front of me, firstRainbowRose, close her book with barely a sound, get up, and make her way to the man a few rows in front of me. After reaching him, she attempts to strike up conversation.
Hopefully she's friends with this bloke, and not making random conversation, I remarked to myself. I don't want my charade to be uncovered so quickly.
However, this does provide the exact opportunity I was looking for originally. Uncovering today's purpose. Withdrawing the bible on the pew backing in front of me, which to my surprise was bound in that most glorious of cured meats, I tried to appear nonchalant, as I listen in to the conversation....
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I decided to take the long way around the beautiful church, checking surreptitiously for entrances and exits. The rich, greasy smell of bacon wafted from an open window. I breathed deep, enjoying the smell.
Then something else tickled my nose. Garbage. A dumpster, in the alley to my left. A drunk was digging through, looking for leftovers. No, not a drunk, a wedding crasher; he wore one of those shirts that are cut like suit jackets, apparently waiting for the wedding to start. He grabbed a nearly empty mountain dew, swigging the last few drops.
Then he paused. He seemed almost to withdraw into himself, looking instantly tired and weary. I instantly looked around, reaching into my trench coat. Piercing brown eyes studied my surroundings from behind classy tinted shades.
Nothing. The man resumed his digging. I brought my hand slowly out of the trench coat, still looking around.
If only I had thought to look directly up, I might have seen a man stealthily removing a pair of window panes and sliding sinuously, mysteriously into the church.
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Only a few moments passed before I noticed that there was a woman approaching. She didn't look particularly familiar but she was striking in her gown. As she approached I straightened in my seat and at that moment I wished I had used a breath mint after finishing my drink. Ah well, she finally reached my pew and in a very friendly and soft voice said "Hi" as she reached out with her hand in greeting. I stood and took her hand and replied "Hello. My name is GreenMonsta, it is nice to meat you". I was happy she chose to come over to start polite conversation seeing how some of the other guests were munching on the furniture. I was getting quite bored with waiting and I didn't feel quite up to eating my chair even though it smelled delicious.
"I'm going to be honest, these events aren't my favorite thing in the world. I'm glad you decided to come over here and save me." "Your name would be?"
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"My name is quite long, but to keep things simple you can call me RainbowRose, or even just one of the two. I'll answer to pretty much any of them," I replied. "And I can understand how you feel about these events. For myself, they only serve to remind me of- Well, no matter. So, are you here for the bride or the groom? Or both?"
I glanced around me while I waited for his reply, realizing that many of the other guests had given up on resisting the urge to eat. However, I wasn't quite ready for that yet. I knew that the best part of any wedding was to wait for the reception -- that's when all of the good food was brought out. All of this food had been contaminated by who knew how many people. Although, maybe just one bite wouldn't- No, I was going to wait. Maybe.
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"Honestly I don't even know either of them well myself but they are nice enough so I was glad they wanted me to come. Even if it did involve going to the ceremony. My only hope is that at the reception the food will be on plates and not everthing else." I answered. "RainbowRose? Thats a nice name. I noticed your looking around at the other guests, don't get me wrong I like bacon but not after everyone else has had a bite." She was in fact examining a man who was biting large pieces right out of the pew in front of him. "Who are you with, bride or groom?" I asked.
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"Both, and nither. It's more I was there when they first got together," I replied. "So I'm not exactly sure to tell you the truth. I was invited, and so I came.
However, I thought this was supposed to start a while ago," I added, pulling the small pocket watch I had out of the hand bag around my wrist. I had long since realized that the one on the wall was -- like many things here -- for pure decoration. Or, if it did tell time I wasn't able to figure out how. "Do you know what is taking so long?"
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"I wish I did, had I been aware of the late start I wouldn't have arrived so early" I said. "I don't want to sound rude but this isn't the easyest place to sit and wait." I idly realized that I hadn't seen a single member of the wedding party yet. That couldn't be a good thing. I decided to take a walk back to the front of the church and get a breath of fresh air, cooked meat has a great smell but one can only take so much. "I think I am going to take a walk to the door and get some air. I would also like to see if the wedding party has arrived yet, you are welcome to join me if you like."
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After a few moments of covertly eavesdropping on RainbowRose's conversation with GreenMonsta, I came to the realization this was a wedding. What an odd, yet pleasent, theme for a wedding, i pondered only momentarily, saving I miss some important information I need to keep up appearances.
Odd that a wedding would be running late. Stranger still that this particular wedding, with its all ready unique qualities, to be running late of all weddings. You would think that the names and faces behind this celebration would be on time, considering the preparation on the church's behalf!
Thumbing through the bible in my hands, yet not really SEEING any of the pages, I notice the end of their pleasantries in close proximity to myself, and quickly scanned the room to find anywhere else to covertly garner some information...
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"Thank you, but I think I had better go and socialize some more. If someone doesn't we'll spend the entire time look at each other as though someone's going to suddenly jump up and kill everyone," I explained, smiling. "It was wonderful to meet you though. Please let me know what you find out."
After making sure he wasn't going to be offended by my leaving. Trying to decide who I should approach next, I was dismayed to realize there were no other women in the room. With a small sigh, I streightened my shoulders and set off toward the next person who caught my eye. He seemed to be quite relaxed, thumbing through the words of this bacon loving lord. "Hello," I said, smiling at him.
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"I understand, It was nice to meet you aswell. I'll make sure to let you know if I find anyone from the wedding party" I replied returning her smile. I then turned and walked to the door where I could finally get a breath of clean air. I decided to have a quick smoke while I was looking around to find the wedding party. As I reached in my pocket for my butts I realized I had dropped my phone. With a groan I decided that I would find it when I went back inside, but for mow I would enjoy a quick smoke.
After my smoke while I was climbing the stairs I heard what sounded like the runaging of garbage. I decided that it wouldn't do any harm to have a look seeing how the ceremony hadn't begun yet anyway.
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Thumbing through the book, while eyeing to each side of myself, I don't really notice any socializing at the moment, when suddenly...
"Hello." The words rang through my ears like a musical sort of chime.
Nearly jumping out of my skin, I jerk my head up, showing, hopefully, only a hint of surprise. Standing before me was the young woman of whom whose conversation I was just listening in on. A momentary dread washes over me as the thought of her come to accuse me of such things, when I realize that she wears a delicate smile upon her face, with no hint of scorn.
"Why hello, my dear." I state confidently after a second to regain my composure. Snapping the bacony book shut, with an audible "click", i carefully set it back in the pew ahead of me.
"It's nice to see a pleasant face such as yours in what seems to be my back end of the church here!" I state as I motion towards the empty back row I have been precariously lounging on.
"Might I have the pleasure of your name?" I state with a smile, hiding the fact that I need to name.
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I nodded sagely as I listened to one of the Chorus members tell me that the bride had been through recently. After a moment of thought, I remembered that the girl's name was Wilson - an odd name for a girl, that - and by the looks of the laugh she was suppressing, I assumed she was quite a zealot.
"Oh, Lord-of-the-Baconey-Infinite, thank thee for blessing us with such a proud Chorus this day." I muttered, adjusting my headdress.
Peering at the clock a moment, I marveled at the engineering genius that had designed such a device: a clock made of bacon; though it was a little hard to read, since one of the rabid altar-boys got the idea to munch on it. Thank thee, oh lord, for striking him down, and using my hand to do it.
"Keep to your practicing, you vagabonds. I want to hear some truly diabolical laughs out there, really lay the embarrassment onto whoever we find to ridicule... I'm serious, if someone forgets a vow, or trips, or the groom is silly enough to go through with it, just let it rip." I finished my oration with a bow that nearly dethroned the purple and black glory that rested on my head, then spun on my heel, and walked out into the chapel.
It was starting to fill now, a woman near the back was speaking to a lad holding a book of some sort, while yet another appeared to be eyeballing the pews with hunger. Near the back, a throng of guests was attacking our appetizers, partaking in the baconey body of His Divine Evilship.
Walking around behind the altar and the large portrait of the Oh-Great-One-Who-Doth-Grant-Us-Fried-Foods, I popped into the confessional. There were a few sins I needed to tell myself about before I'd feel clean again.
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I saw the man with the strange headdress spin, almost toppling it in the process, and exit the room. I needed to get back to the chapel, but getting out unseen might be asking a little too much. In my line of work this kind of situation was not unknown. I often had to get-about, if not unseen then unnoticed, to complete my objectives.
Such was the order passed down from the Circle of Elders.
Stealth no longer an option, I walked confidently to the woman in Chorus Robes and said,
"Hi, I'm sorry to bother you, but I seem to have lost my way."
I tried to moderate my deep voice--if it gets to deep people remember you--but I could not quite keep it from being sibilant.
"Could you by chance tell me how to get back to the chapel Ma’am?"
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Could you by chance tell me how to get back to the chapel, Ma'am?" I heard a deep voice beside me ask. I was moderately surprised that I didn't notice the man approach me, but I knew what had caused the distraction. I was still trying to contain my laughter from it--that blasted headdress.
A faint smoky smell wafted up to my nose, and I coughed lightly. I looked at the man and said, "The door the priest just went through will take you back." I paused, remembering where the door led. "On second thought, don't go that way. It opens onto the stage." I pointed to the door leading to the dressing rooms. "That door goes to a hall. At the end of it, there's a door on the left. That will take you to the back of the chapel."
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I nodded my thanks almost before she was done, and nearly began walking in the wrong direction. Impatience can lead to folly as my teacher used to say. I gave the woman my best "sheepish" smile and an embarrassed shrug; I then followed the pro-offered directions.
Well I tried. I forgot which way I was supposed to go as I realized that the paneling was not made of wood, but bacon! In the past I'm sure I would have noticed it sooner, but it's been centuries since I've had a sense of smell.
After my initial shock wore off, I realized I had completely forgotten the directions I had been given. I began trying doors at random; going from hallways to passages, closets to lavatories--women's, thankfully it had been unoccupied at the time--I searched for a way out of these labyrinthine corridors.
This church was definitely bigger on the inside than it appeared.
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I introduced myself (the short version. I had decided for such an event it was simply easier. Too many questions would be asked otherwise. Questions that I couldn't really answer without getting in trouble.) "Who might you be?" I asked, sitting down next to him. There were very few other people around, and from here I would be able to see anyone else that came in.
As I sat I watched what I could only assume was the priest or whatever this religon called their clergy walk across the stage. He had a very... intresting hat on. Hm. I wonder what type of clothing the rest of the people have to wear I thought, smiling at the outlandish images that came to my head
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LATE! LATE! Frickin' LATE!! I hope this battery is charged. These last minute ordeals! Never, I said, never would I video another friend's wedding again! How many times? How many times have I said that!?! I hate videotaping weddings! Hate them! GRRRRR!!! Where's the new tape?!? God, I hope it's in the bottom of my bag. Why are these people lurking at the back of this stupid church? "Outta my way, people!" What did I just step in? Felt greasy, like -- oh, yeah! Bacon grease! My tie is choking me and it's so hot in here. I should've been paid in advance. Stupid. Why did that mother-in-law have to be such a b--- "Excuse me!" Who decided to put the chorus right where I want to set up my tripod? Stupid! Stupid mother of a-- "@%$&!!" I bet I left the mic cable in the car!! Uh-oh, probably shouldn't have said that so close to the chorus. Poseurs! Caterwalling like PMS-ing hyenas! "DON'T TOUCH THAT!" Rutting brat fingered up my lens! Oh, and I don't have a hankie... is there anything clean I could use in this place? Anything clean in this place? HA! I'd like to see what a rabbi thinks of this! I'm moving over by the organ. Organs. Lungs for bellow? Man, they used every part of the pig but the oink! What's dripping on me? EW! Who hung hog casings from the chandelier? That's it! I'm leaving. Screw these people. Friends or not, screw them! It's not worth the pittance I charged them! Bugger the lot! "Outta my way, people!"
*As he stepped onto the nicely polished marble front steps with his greased shoe, he could be heard descending rapidly to the clattering accompaniment of camera gear.*
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(Okay, okay, I'm posting. Sorry. I know I was egging people on because I thought it was hilarious, but expect my posts to be intermittent at best until the end of November. Have rather a lot on my plate right now. I am still reading this, though. Or at least skimming it.)
There was no way I was wearing those heels.
The dress was bad enough. At least I'd had fair warning. "To get used to the idea", I'd been told, but I'd changed plans slightly. I had my own shoes, still dress shoes, but flats. They were the same colour. Nobody would even notice - it was a fricking wedding. People would have better things to do than stare at my feet.
Bacon was everywhere. It almost reminded me of someone. I wandered the hallways, at last found the room I was looking for.
I knocked once, stuck my head in. "You almost done getting prettied up in there? It's sure taking you long enough."
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"well, It's certainly a pleasure to meet you, Ms. Rose." I remarked with a smile.
Adjusting a bit, to give her plenty of room for seating, I shifted my weight a bit towards her, so she knows I'm still paying attention.
"My name is Eerongal, my friends call me Eero. Naturally, you may refer to me as the latter, unless you decide to prove yourself otherwise," I explained to her with a joking smile touching my lips.
Now, I thought, time to make it appear I know what I'm talking about, so as not stir suspicion.
"You wouldn't happen to bring me news of why we're running so late, would you? I haven't even seen the bride of groom shuffling around anywhere, though I could have missed them, as I seemed to have been paying more attention to the bacony good book only moments ago."
This should at least provide an air that seems like I should be here, I hoped. After all, this is only my first chance encounter after wandering in this wondrous hall of smokey goodness
-
I looked up at the sound of the knock on the door, and waved Raethe in as she asked her question. A small smile fell on my face, but faded again quickly. "Those aren't the shoes I left you..." I half-whispered. Okay, Raethe had said all along that she didn't want to wear the heels. But they went so well with the dress... it would be a shame to see them put to waste like this.
Oh well.
Glancing in the mirror, I pulled at one of the curls in my hair, held in place by various clips and the tiara. "I think so.." My voice sounded strange in the room. It was the first time I had spoken in a long time. Turning back around, my eyes closed for a second. "Do you think it's the right thing? I mean.. it's all happened so quick..."
Inside, I knew it was the right thing. It had to be. Always a believer in love at first sight, and bacon bringing love together in holy baconmony. But, there were always those fleeting second thoughts. Always.
Shaking my head to try and get those thoughts to go, I ran my gloved hands down the dress and nodded once. "Okay. I'm ready..." Stepping towards the door, I looked back for just a moment. This would be the last room I would depart as an unmarried woman.
-
As I finished confessing, I thought of all of the terrible things I'd done in the past few hours: the bacon allowed to spoil, the multitude of pants that sat in my closet yet unworn. Striking myself one final time with an especially leathery strip of pork, I muttered a small prayer to The-Great-Hand-Who-Shall-Reign-Down-Bacony-Judgement, and promptly felt better as I forgave myself my sins.
Cracking the door, I peered at the clock on the wall of the chapel, and saw that virtually no time had passed since I entered my confessional. Lamenting that I was so short about my revelation, I could feel his Lordship urging me to my holy duty; I checked my headdress, put on the feather-laden skull mask that I'd set aside in the room earlier, and stepped out into the chapel.
I made my way to a massive candelabra filled with purple and black candles made of rendered pork-fat, the monstrosity towering behind the altar, it's branches growing up at a split so they wreathed the image of His Greatness, and began to light the candles with my ceremonial barbecue lighter.
"Oh great Fellfrosch, he who gave unto us the sacred texts of Baconals and The Lord of the Lunatics, do bless us, your church, this day as we prepare for this most momentous occasion. Bless that your Chorus of Evil Laughter may do as we could please, bless that your finger-foods provide nourishment and not be undercooked or too rotted, and bless that this divine raiment not cause any more problems..."
As I turned around, I heard a candle fall, and felt a distinct warm feeling on the back of my head. Fell blast it...
-
My evil laughter mixed well with the laughter of the others in the chapel. No one noticed when we filed out about 10 minutes ago (although I couldn't be completely sure of the time, since the bacon clock in the chapel was made by the same engineer). No one noticed as we lined up in our formation. Everyone noticed when we began laughing. Some people abruptly stopped conversations to stare. Others, standing uncertainly in the aisles, backed away slowly, realizing that maybe they didn't want to sit so close to the front. It was a beautiful, beautiful thing being able to witness the shock so prominent on their faces.
I saw an orange flame in my peripheral vision and my gaze moved over, wondering what on earth was on fire. Ah, the priest was lighting the candelabra. He stood with his back to the congregation for a few moments after all the candles were lit. I could only assume he was praying to the Divine Fell, whose picture the man seemed to be staring at intently....Well, he would be staring at it intently, if his head wasn't bowed in respect....He turned to face the congregation.
I started to turn as well, and then motion behind the priest caught my eye again. A candle. Falling. My eyes widened as it hit the headdress. My evil laughter turned suddenly into peals of delight as the feathered thing lit up in flames. It was a glorious sight.
-
Bacon; not my thing, but I wish them the best.
-
I crashed through the thin bacon window atop the church, shards of delicious paper-thin meat falling with me as I plummeted earthward. The rope zipped hotly through my hand as I fell. As I neared the floor, I slowed my descent with my heels. To my surprise, there were people already gathered in the room. So my dramatic entrance was not wasted! Excellent.
I stopped two feet off the ground and dropped to the floor, giving enough time for the surprised occupants of the room to look up after the shower of bacon. I straightened my coat and removed my hat and gloves, tucking them under my left arm as I looked around the room. It seemed that most of the guest were here already. Nothing like punctual friends, I thought. Extremely drunk accountants excluded, of course. Of course. Nobody in their right mind would attend a wedding that wasn't their own, and I wasn't even sure about that condition.
-
"Well, it appears the groom has finally arrived," I replied, placing a hand over my heart to feel how fastly it was beating.
"Which means that we should be able to start soon." At least, that's what I meant to say. However, I got about half way through when I saw something that I knew would be very bad. A candle, falling from the alter. Flame in a place made of this much fat? There is no way this will end well.. I considered breaking the rules, but decided it wasn't worth losing all of my freedom. Well, I hope that someone else will be able to stop this.
-
I must be pretty far down by now. The air has become damp and the walls slimy--though that could because it's made of bacon--and no one seems to be around, none of the rooms appear to be in use; no, not for quite some time.
At the end of a long corridor, the passage dead-ends at a door of solid Bacon, now that was some pig. When I opened the door, it revealed a long stair-case winding it's way up out of sight, a very long way up. I took a deep breath and began my ascent.
-
"GHANPHENPTPT"
It was the Germans. It had to be the Germans...
Why does my head hurt so, and why is it so bright? My eyes aren't even open!
"GHANPHENPTPT" I repeated.
It didn't start with the rouladen. It was before that...
I hope that dampness on the back of my head is pig grease, and not blood.
"What happened?" I said in slow motion. Sounded more like what I said before.
After The Great War we stopped calling them Frankfurters. Hot dogs. What kind of name is that?
My back is killing me. Oh... I'm laying on my tripod...
"Turn that &*%$ light off!!" I may have said.
Hot dogs. Tube steaks. They plump when you cook'em because of the lung tissue.
I think that is broken glass under my palm. Is that video tape wrapped around my fingers?!
"Do I smell burning grease?" I'm pretty sure I heard myself say.
Just grind up animals and shove them back into their own intestines... YUM!
I think I'll just stay here with this marble step for a pillow. It hurts to move.
-
I chuckled as I watched the man tumble down the marble steps leading up to the doors of the church. Maybe it was mean of me to laugh at something like that, but, well, you don't get a chance to chuckle at slapstick goodness like that every day.
What was taking so long? When was this wedding going to get started? I grimaced as my belly shouted out its complaints about something I had eaten from the dumpster. I needed some real food. The savory scent of bacon tempted me to go into that chapel and eat to my heart's content, or, rather, my belly's, but I had to show restraint. I couldn't go in there just yet. My timing had to be perfect.
I looked towards the chapel, then at my watch. My belly shouted at me once more, and I darted behind the dumpster, losing most of my moldy ham lunch.
-
Oh, you've got to be kidding me. The firstthing she'd said.
"No," I sighed, "they're not the shoes you gave me. I told you, I can't wear heels. I can barely walk and chew bubble gum at the same time without them."
When she asked me about if she was doing the right thing, I raised my eyebrows at her. I didn't say, "it's a little late now, isn't it?" which was the first thought that came to mind. I did say, "you're actually asking me?" before pausing and trying to answer the question a little more seriously.
"Of course it is. As long as you're doing what you want, you're doing the right thing." I looked over at her, smiled. "Now come on. Unless you've gotten cold feet," I really didn't think she had, or I wouldn't be making jokes about it, "we probably should get going. I'm guessing your groom wouldn't appreciate it if you left him standing at the altar."
-
I shook my head twice. No, cold feet wasn't an option. Not right now. Okay, it had been quick, but spontanious actions had rarely let me down in the past. This decision would join the successful ones.
Adjusting the veil in front of my face, I picked the two bouquets of flowers up from the table, Raethe's holding large daisies mixed with little forget-me-nots, and my own were blue flowers mixed with little white buds. They looked nice... but maybe they wouldn't go down well? What if they were the wrong type? Or the wrong..... it was far too late to be thinking over those kinds of things now. Raethe was right. It really was time to get going. People were probably wondering where she was.
Wriggling my toes a little, trying to warm them, I handed Raethe her bouquet and walked out of the door, towards the main room where the ceremony was to be held. But until the choir started, I was not to enter the room. Everything had to be done just right.
"You know... after this... I really think you need to work on multi-tasking. And I don't mean chewing gum and walking in flats.... how about... walking in heels whilst reading a newspaper?" Now I was babbling, and I knew it. Damn nerves...
-
As I trudged up the steps, my skin began to itch and burn again. It was time to feed once more. I sensed others above me though I couldn't tell how far away they were, not through all the layers of bacon that lay between us.
The church was the perfect hiding place for my mark. This was to be the only time I would have a shot at compleating my mission from the Elders. Years of preparation and planning, and I get lost in the catacombs of pig meat.
-
(Come on people, we need to get this thing going again!)
Yup, the church was definatly on fire. I looked around to see if anyone was going to do anything about it, and found everyone in what I assumed to be a state of shock. Sighing, I considered one last time using my abilites, but again decided it was best not to. I was in enough trouble with the bosses as it was. "Please excuse me," I said to the man next to me, rising. I realized the best thing to do was find a fire extengusher, but the problem was I had no idea where to start -- or even that it wouldn't be filled with bacon greese.