Timewaster's Guide Archive
Local Authors => Writing Group => Topic started by: Maxwell on September 21, 2004, 10:25:48 PM
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This is a story I just wrote for english, enjoy.
Mien Stomph
I was sitting in my room eating dinner, the fragrant aroma of chili wafted from my plate while reports of nazi dinosaurs flashed on the television screen. It was the last day of summer break and I hadn’t slept at all the night before. I was so tired I could have dropped at any moment. As I was about to climb the latter to my loft, an awful screech that sounded like a hundred jagged nails being dragged across a blackboard pierced the air. As I thought to myself "will I ever get any sleep!?" The screech came again; I looked out my window and saw a giant KristalNachtadon! Its scales were jagged and translucent as if it were made of broken glass. I ran outside my house and down the road, but as I was running ,I heard jackboots quick behind me, I looked back and saw a pack of vicious Gestapo raptors.
While I was running from the Gestapo raptors I caught sight of the city. I stopped dead in my tracks. The Gestapo raptors however could not hit their brakes quite in time and fell off the cliff. The night air smelled like the inside of a pet shop terrarium, above the town circled an entire fleet of kaiserdactyles. The fleet was large and black like an ominous storm cloud with lots of little teeth. I decided against going into the city. As I made my way to Skofield park I thought to myself, "I’ll never get any sleep now", but at that moment my route was being cut off by an enormous Mengelesaurus, I ran through his legs as fast as I could. While trying to turn and make chase, the Mengelesaurus tripped over an abandon bus and was out cold. I kept running.
I made it to Skofield Park, the trees looked like giant pipe cleaners and the woods smelled of extinguished campfires. As I walked deeper into the forest, I came upon something I never thought would be in the park. It was the Nazisaur Command Post! The ground began to shake and a conveniently placed cup of joe began to ripple. Rising up through the trees I saw the mighty Hitlersaurus Rex! He made move to stomp me. As his leather foot was about to come down, I shouted "Wait! Why are you doing this?"
"We’ve come to do away with the Jewsaurs and Hebrew raptors!" The Hitlersaurus replied.
I then told him that there were no Jewish dinosaurs, and the Hitlersaurus scratched his giant head with his tiny arm(no mean feat) and then shamefully recalled his troops. He withdrew from Santa Barbara, never to be seen again. This would have been great if I had gotten any sleep, but instead I had to great straight to the first day of school.
The moral of this story is – Nazisuars! I hate those guys.
The End
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doesnt any body like my story? :'(
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No.
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I didnt ask for your opinion JP I said anybody, not nobody.
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I didn't like it either.
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I read only the last line, and I decided I better not read the rest of it.
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Tact (http://www.webster.com/cgi-bin/dictionary?va=tact) go buy some.
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woah. Did the world just blow up? Or did Sprig ACTUALLY ask other people to use tact?
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I'm actualy a very Tackful person, I just rarely choose to be here on the boards since I know most of you. And this is the place where I can go where I'm not expected to be tackful.
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well, then, i'll let it slide. This time. I can reiterate my judgement with more exacting criticism if you would like.
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I'm sorry if you find me thinking makeing a dinosaur story out of WW2 concitration camps lacking in tack and class, even us that show little at times know how bad that is.
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oh, i didn't even read that. I thought you were talking about the criticisms. Love how miscommunication is de rigeur on the internet. Yeah, that is tacky (I had no idea what the story was about, I haven't read it, remember).
ANyway, after reading the last line, all I thought was this: ending with "the moral of the story is" rarely works unless it's a personal essay satirizing real things. At least that's been my experience. And the line isn't even a moral. Or anything resembling a moral. It came accross as a weak attempt to get a line that you thought was funny (though it really isn't) but couldn't find a good way to get in to the regular story.
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um it was a rip off of an ending from indianna jones.
and you ya know what sprig there is an actuall point to the story but I'm guessing you failed to see it because your sense of political correctness was too busy shouting "OH MY GOD HE SAID NAZI! EVIL EVIL EVIL!"
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actually, no. and that's a very immature way to resond. I realize you're only 15, but please try to grow up.
I do realize the final line was taken from Indiana Jones. But it didn't work. If you want people to tell you how they feel about your work, you're going to have to take what they say. Otherwise, don't ask.
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No the final line was not the point, the thing about jewish dinosaurs was, a dinosaur is a dinosaur is a dinosaur, and it goes for people too, the idea that the nazis killed jews for being differenrt or ewwhatever is dumb cuz we're all the same animal.
that was the point, and I'm 16 not 15.(my birthday was the 17th)
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I didn't think it was too bad.
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*sigh*
why do I talk to you people?
Did I *say* that the final line was the point? I was responding to the final line and nothing else. I read the final line and formed enough judgement that I didn't have a desire to read the rest. It was the first thing I saw. I know it's not the point. But it still doesn't work. Probably you would be advised to cut it.
If you're going to be uppity about your age, that's fine. But claiming you're older doesn't change that the maturity of your response was still absent. It does, in fact, make it appear worse.
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Okay SE the reason I'm upset is because you're trying to judge the story without reading it. the last line wouldnt change the sotry if it were gone so ya know read the story then tell me what you think cuz what you're doing now is like trying to reveiw a book based on the last page.
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ok, i just read it, so you'll stop complaining about my misunderstanding it.
I don't think it's as insensitive as Sprig does. However, that doesn't solve any narrative problems.
There are no descriptions. There is no real connection other than you making the word part of the dinosaur name. Why are they after you if you're neither Jewish nor a dinosaur? I don't feel you communicate your declared point very well, and you have cliffs popping out of no where for things to fall from. Such a play with setting doesn't work toward your stated point, and distracts from the message.
and the ending line works even less after reading the whole story.
To be fair, this is an idea that COULD be used. When you have some more development as a writer and on the idea. if you want to go comic, go REALLY comic. Describe to me the little mustache on the T-Rex's nose. Explain the goose steps of the gestapo raptors. Have them do something besides chase you -- something that real nazis in control of a governmnet would do. There's no impact or "pull" in this story. And even such a short piece needs something. Maybe drop a breed or two of 'saur to keep it as short and develop the remaining ones more, instead of showing off your clever nomenclature. That would improve your story a lot.
Don't take this as mean. None of this post is mean spirited at all. You wanted comments, this is what I think your story needs. It's salvagable, but it needs a rewrite to do what you want it to do. (also, a proofread)
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Okay SE the reason I'm upset is because you're trying to judge the story without reading it. the last line wouldnt change the sotry if it were gone so ya know read the story then tell me what you think cuz what you're doing now is like trying to reveiw a book based on the last page.
Not at all. FIrst impressions are VERY important. My first impression was of something that should have been cut but wasn't. If that's my first impression, why should I read on? That's what readers do. If they only impression they get is of something they don't like, then they don't pursue, like I didn't. I was *not* judging the entire story. I made it very clear before my last post that I wasn't judging the entire story. I only judged that bit.
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I was counting on the title for a first impression, not the last sentance I'm sorry if my logic is hard to grasp. oh and I'm half jewish and my house is on a cliff, also this is a roiugh draft and something I'm still working with.
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One thing that you'll have to get used to if you do end up writing more is criticism. When someone criticizes your work, take it for what it's worth. Whether you're half Jewish or not has no implication in the story--you want your story to stand alone based on its merits, whatever you hope them to be.
So any explanation you give of yourself (true or not)--being half Jewish, house being on a cliff, whatever--have no effect on how the reader reads the story. You need to set up the characterization, setting, and plot so that a reader can come to the work *without* knowing anything about you and still understand your work.
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welll it was written for a different audience, one who was expected to know these things and did, it was supposed to be an autobiographical narrative.
but I do take critiscism into consideration, I just have a habbit of arguing with everything, although sprigg's comment was a tad unfounded.
P.S. sprigg they dont give whistleblower awards anymore so quit trying to be such an A student.
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I have but one tie to try.
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You are such a dumbass.
So... thats a half jew irish american. Cool. But arn't we starting to run out of person to hold all these genetic combinations?
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You are such a dumbass.
flattery will get you nowhere entropy.
On my dad's side Iam jewish and egyptian, On my mom's side I am Irish and scottish
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Posted by: T.F.O. Posted on: Today at 6:42am
P.S. sprigg they dont give whistleblower awards anymore so quit trying to be such an A student.
Do you want criticism & opinions, or not? Cause all you're getting is what you asked for. If you don't like it... then don't post.
Incidentally, what year do you say you're in?
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I meant yelling at me for righting about nazis was not critisism it was more like that kid in class who tries to get you in troulbe for not doung anything wrong, and I'm fine with critique, but they're judging the story like it was meant to be really good and really well thought out, it was just a writing exercise. nothing more. besideds I never actually asked for critique. ;D
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Uh, if you didn't want critique, then why post it???
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P.S. sprigg they dont give whistleblower awards anymore so quit trying to be such an A student.
It's obvious that you're not mature enough to deal with reality. I, as well as many others, find trivilizing horried events in bad taste. If you cannot see how what you're doing is causeing this then you probaly should go find someone that survived the holocaust and ask them. And just becaue you're part jewish dosen't give you immunity from crizisim from doing something like this. Try and insult me all you want, it wont change any of these facts.
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You DID ask what we thought of the story. If you don't want people to say what they think of the story, then don't ask about it.
The fact that you're half-Jewish and live on a cliff is not in the story. That needs to be IN THE STORY to work with the story. No one ever assumes that just because a piece of fiction is written in the first person that the narrator is the same person as the author. ANd even if he is, that the fact will be the same as the real life. You've never really encountered dinosaurs, nazi or otherwise, so why should we assume you haven't changed anything else. Those descriptions need to be in the story.
And really, you need to just shut it about Sprig not liking your story on the basis that it makes light of Nazism and the Holocaust. REally. You're being an immature jerk about it, acting like a 5 year old. Just because someone makes a different value judgement than you does NOT mean that they are reactionary and misguided.
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quite frankly I think you guys are all over reacting to this story.
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you are ridiculous TFO. You wanted our opinions. You whined and got obnoxious when someone didn't like it. Then you accuse us of over reacting. Excuse me, I have to go talk to someone who can hold up their end of the conversation.
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you go do that SE, you guys take everything so seriously. everything.
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you say that as if it's wrong.
and it avoids the point, that your charge is absurd, since you yourself are taking very seriously
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Whoa, I think that everyone needs to take a breath. T.F.O. I get what you are saying and it makes sense, I agree that some people dont know that it is alright to joke about stuff like that sometimes. Grim circumstances should have jokes to break the tension surrounding them. Look at the survey a little while back that made light of trouble that was going on for Fell and HoM. They enjoyed it, it was a little break from what was going on. In the same manner though T.F.O., you need to know that if you are going to write stuff like this people might get upset about it. Be a little more gracious receiving their criticism.
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The only critisism I was upset about was spriggans, and as for everyone elses I'm just saying it was never meant tobe some grand work it was a funny litle writing exercise that I thought they might enjoy, but appaerently I was wrong.
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Well, if it helps, I enjoyed it, and got your point before you said it. I thought it was good, the story and the message. Then again, I took it as a little story that you just went through and didnt take too much time on.
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at least someone enjoyed it...
I thought they would get that it was just a little thing when I said it was for a class.
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er...when it's for a class, I'd assume you'd get graded on it, so you'd want it to actually be any good, and therefore you'd actually want honest critiques.
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uhm... just because it's for a class and it's a little thing, ... that doesn't make it any better
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I am saying that if you look at it as something that he meant it as something simple to enjoy, and not as a grand masterpiece, then it achieved its goal (for me at least). Yes it has its faults. If you acknowledge that there are going to be faults because he didnt put a lot of work into it then it is a more enjoyable read.
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See, just because you expect something to be crap, doesn't make it any less crap. You have lower expectations, but it's still crap.
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ya know JP A lot of simple things that are fun to watch or laugh at are still bad.
and stop swearing. and before you qoute me and say I was swearing too, I was swearin too, but now I have calmed down
also if the the forum sensors the "s" word into nuts, why doesnt it sensor the "c" word?
Oh by the way, miss guss gave it an A+, anywho just thought you'd like that little tid-bit, also I never try my hardest for class because I know I can get away(with flying colours) with less.
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That isnt necessarily true. A lot of what makes a story good is opinion. Since reading a story with a different expectation changes your opinion of it, it can make it a better or worse story. I agree that it doesnt change the story, but it can change how much you like it, and that is one of the main things that counts toward overall quality.
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I have failed.
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The forum does censor the C word to "Thingy"
And I stand by my position, that crap squared is still crap.
Oh, and I'm right and your wrong, unless you happen to agree with me, in which case you'd be right until I changed my mind.
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crap is not censored into thingy, see.
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That is not the word JamPaladin was talking about when he said the C word.
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Since even our Utah based members of this international consortium of evil use the word 'crap' there is not exactly a great calling to ban it.
And just to re-iterate: Your story reads like muck. But you got A+ for it? Sure.
Short bus tbh.
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an A+, another example of the failing US education system.
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And here's where it degenerates further and I ask, can we just lock this?
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yup