Needless to say, the title is great. It introduces the fantasy element (angels), but also breaks expectations by saying part-time. Excellent!
Oh, so you're into the short chapters, I see? That is good. This should be a fast read, then.
Since you started mentioning Sheila in the first line, I assumed we were in her viewpoint. I was not expecting the switch. We need more showing from Mateo. Namely, I want to see
him knock the barrel over, and then immediately see his emotional reaction to what Sheila did. Right now, it feels a bit contrived. Mostly, it's that page of third-person switching into first-person that is the largest issue. If we get more showing (and more "I's" in the prose on that first page) we'll be in much better shape.
That last line of Chapter One was cool. I do need to say that if Benedict is extremely old as an angel, his dialogue seems quite childish.
Onto Chapter Two!
The prose is much better now that we know what viewpoint we are in and he is coloring the reader's perceptions. We need more of that in the first chapter.
Mentioning Left 4 Dead 2 is a good touch, but it immediately dates the piece a year or two down the line, and doesn't really add anything to the story.
Okay, finished reading.
My biggest problem is that he switches back to his normal emotional state too easily. I
like his normal emotional state--he is funny--but he goes through the transition too quickly.
Moreover, from a narrative standpoint chapter two was too telly. It's an easy thing to do in first-person, but honestly, the only meat to the chapter was when he found the scroll. We're zipping past things, such as family relations, which should be explored in greater detail over time, not given to readers in a single paragraph.
That said, you did a superb job describing Matt's appearance without having him look into a mirror. It felt perfectly realistic and rational describing him at that particular moment. Kudos! I'm bad at describing appearances of my characters.
So, ultimately, I liked it. You have a good narrator, you have an interesting concept... I love the quips like "When you work for God himself, you start feeling like just about anything is possible." Right now, I'm expecting a fast paced book with a fun narrator. It remains to be seen whether the narrator can
stay humorous for the length of a book. But as YA or middle grade fiction goes, I like a lot of what you are bringing to the table.
The length of your paragraphs in chapter two give me pause, especially since they are, for the most part, expository (the family part especially. Why not show us their dialogue and give us a view into their characters that way?). In my humble opinion, a chapter should function somewhat like a story unto itself, with a beginning, middle, and an end. Chapter two didn't really have it. These paragraphs, when it got to the family part, felt like "wee, we're moving through the telling until we get to something more fun". Long paragraphs in this case make me think it is infodumpy. Perhaps the most challenging part of writing first person humor is making jokes that don't also damage the story. Story always comes first.
Needless to say, you've hooked me (the title did a good job at that, by the way). I'm interested to see what happens. Now I just want to see this awesome story, and if you don't give me good story, I'll be sure to bug you about it, at length. My enormous blocks of textual rants are somewhat legendary.
Good stuff
