Nov 03 - Erik Holmes - The Sword of Worlds, Chapter 17 - Kail

[ErikHolmes]

Not a lot of changes to this chapter, but enough that I'd like to see if you think I've improved it.

Thanks for the comments as always!

[Recovering_Cynic]

Thoughts while reading:

Kill the first paragraph.  Start with the dialogue; it adequately explains where they are and why.

Your description of the moons on the third page took me out of the story.  They are in the forest.  How do they see the moons?

Okay, other than some prose that needed tightening (a few descriptions were a bit off, but nothing that can't be fixed in post) nothing else struck me as really needing fixing

Overall, I liked it.  You definitely capture the world and draw your reader in.  I was a bit puzzled by the Melia/Kajsa relationship, even a little put off, but not enough to stop reading.  I would keep reading.

One other thing before I end: you have mentioned the unseleigh, or bad elvish creatures, several times.  This makes me wonder, where are all the seleigh?  Or is there no balance in this world?

[LongTimeUnderdog]

Having not read anything of "The Sword of Worlds" until this rewrite, I came in with certain expectation, none of which was to see a Connecticut Yankee.  Real world people in fantasy lands is usually some attempt at satire or humor using a gimick (like Dr. Watson) to give cause to explain the world and such and compare it to things in the real world.  While this is not a bad idea (it's actually fairly clever I think) all real people in fantasy world stories fall into the same rut of trying to to be Evil Dead or some such but failing miserably.  You can  understand my feelings then when I read this piece and thought it was really really funny.

Personally I don't like fantasy with real people in it (fictional but still).  Maybe it's because I'm jealous of them, wanting to be going on the adventure instead of reading about someone I could know doing it, or maybe it's because I think Mark Twain is a twit.  But whatever my reasons for disliking it, I found myself really enjoying your piece despite my inherent, negative feelings.  And to top it off the real person was not only NOT the conventional hero of these types of stories, he was really really likable.

The inner dialogues made me chuckle "I know I'm a stud . . ." as an example.  The narrator's voice is very easy to follow and brilliant in bringing the character to life.  He was witty, charming, and his girlfriend made me giggle.  That said, I really think you could put more into it.

There are a good number of places in the text that feel like they're missing a gag or two that could have added to the hilarity of it all.  The piece stands well enough on its own, but I think there could be more to it.

Overall, thumbs up.

[Chaos]

I'm doing a quicker read-through than I probably normally would, mostly because it's fairly similar.

Line stuff: I continue to smile at the "spiders shouldn't have wings" remark. It's still great!

However, I'm noticing the "then"'s to start sentences far more than I did before. I figure I'll keep mentioning it until you cave about it It's a word choice thing, and you can use it perfectly well, it's just make sure you know the reasons for using it, not that you're throwing it around for kicks and giggles.

Still calling Melia a Sith now? *poke*

Though, if you changed Melia's appearance to include the leaves, nice change. Though, I have a feeling I must have skipped over it the first time. Oh well.

Not a lot more I can say about it, I'm afraid. I really didn't notice anything different. Still good, still fun.

Having not read anything of "The Sword of Worlds" until this rewrite, I came in with certain expectation, none of which was to see a Connecticut Yankee.  Real world people in fantasy lands is usually some attempt at satire or humor using a gimick (like Dr. Watson) to give cause to explain the world and such and compare it to things in the real world.  While this is not a bad idea (it's actually fairly clever I think) all real people in fantasy world stories fall into the same rut of trying to to be Evil Dead or some such but failing miserably.  You can  understand my feelings then when I read this piece and thought it was really really funny.

Personally I don't like fantasy with real people in it (fictional but still).  Maybe it's because I'm jealous of them, wanting to be going on the adventure instead of reading about someone I could know doing it, or maybe it's because I think Mark Twain is a twit.  But whatever my reasons for disliking it, I found myself really enjoying your piece despite my inherent, negative feelings.  And to top it off the real person was not only NOT the conventional hero of these types of stories, he was really really likable.

The inner dialogues made me chuckle "I know I'm a stud . . ." as an example.  The narrator's voice is very easy to follow and brilliant in bringing the character to life.  He was witty, charming, and his girlfriend made me giggle.  That said, I really think you could put more into it.

There are a good number of places in the text that feel like they're missing a gag or two that could have added to the hilarity of it all.  The piece stands well enough on its own, but I think there could be more to it.

Overall, thumbs up.

I think you hit on precisely the reason why I like Kail. I agree with the analysis 100%, including the moving to other worlds thing. I'm not a fan of it, either.

[ErikHolmes]

The inner dialogues made me chuckle "I know I'm a stud . . ." as an example.  The narrator's voice is very easy to follow and brilliant in bringing the character to life.  He was witty, charming, and his girlfriend made me giggle.  That said, I really think you could put more into it.

Thanks for all of the praise. I value all of the criticism I get on the list, because it really helps me help make the book better, but hearing someone tell me they liked it is great for the motivation too. 

I'm doing a quicker read-through than I probably normally would, mostly because it's fairly similar.

Line stuff: I continue to smile at the "spiders shouldn't have wings" remark. It's still great!

However, I'm noticing the "then"'s to start sentences far more than I did before. I figure I'll keep mentioning it until you cave about it It's a word choice thing, and you can use it perfectly well, it's just make sure you know the reasons for using it, not that you're throwing it around for kicks and giggles.

Thanks, I'll have to be the lookout for that. Then I'll fix it in the next draft. 

Still calling Melia a Sith now? *poke*

Though, if you changed Melia's appearance to include the leaves, nice change. Though, I have a feeling I must have skipped over it the first time. Oh well.

Sėth, Scottish Gaelic for "peace". Found as a component in names such as:

    * Daoine Sėth, Scottish fairies ("the people of peace")
    * Baobhan sith, a fairy vampire, and the Leanan sídhe, a Manx counterpart
    * Cat Sėth, a fairy cat
    * Cu Sėth, a fairy dog

I'm been trying to research the origins of this, but in literature dealing with faeries its pretty common to call the bad faeries Sith and the good faeries Kith. Sith is easy to trace, being Gaelic but I have no idea where Kith came from. I wonder if its just something the White Wolf RPG company came up with since Kith sounds like Sith.

Holly Black for example has a book out called Kith: The Good Neighbors about faeries. But I haven't been able to point to anything where the fae used to be referred to as Kith.