June 22 - Blade of the Fallen Chapter 11

[swaindaddy]

Through your input here. Thansk for the effort! Ignore all grammar.

[RavenstarRHJF]

New chapter... cool.

I think one of the things you do consistently so far, is skipping over the scenes which could come across as "boring" or "trivial," not realizing that they are also opportunities to explore characterization.  The aftermath of the battle at the camp, for instance, or Karrys' presentation of the Talonblade to Garrik for another.  You give us these details after the fact, but if you showed them to us we could learn so much about your characters just from the way they interact.  Why did Tul build the pyre himself?  Why didn't Garrik or Dren help?  You gave us some of the body language between Karrys and Tul, but only second hand. 

This makes your story seem a bit disjointed, because we never get to actually SEE how your characters deal with the aftermath except at a remove.  You did this with the examples mentioned above, you did it with the murder at the ball, and you also did it right after Garrik shows the Rite of Eyes.  In the last case, it actually works, because the change in his circumstances is drastic enough to let you get away with it, but with the others... you're missing great opportunities to foreshadow Garrik's leadership abilities or lack thereof.

That said, this was a good attempt at moving the plot along without a battle scene.   I'm a little uncomfortable with the inn keeper's character- for some reason he just doesn't feel genuine.  The politics of your world are far removed from most medieval settings, but you haven't given us enough info to know what his reactions should be, so we're stuck with what we already know... and it doesn't fit right.  The crazy old man could be a fun addition to the party, particularly as Karry's, Tul, and he all fight for the right to Garrik as they see fit.  That said, he's also feeling just a bit overdone at the moment- more bluster and bravado than actual ability, if you know what I mean.

I have to admit, I'm wondering whether Garrik's black necklace was a plate fragment infused with the Will to hide his identity... and if so, why.

Looking forward to more!

[swaindaddy]

Great input! I needed to hear it. That is what will help me flesh it all out more. For now - I'll need you to trust that I will do so in the next pass.

Also: "I have to admit, I'm wondering whether Garrik's black necklace was a plate fragment infused with the Will to hide his identity... and if so, why."

You got that right. And as for the why... tune in weekly.

[Silk]

The "coin" that the old man gives Karrys: You describe it as "...a small circle, hollow in the center save for a twisted tree branch with a single leaf all carved from the same dark metal".  Is it a plain piece of metal with the described carving in the middle? The word "hollow" makes me think of a ring with that design somehow suspended inside. I'm not too sure what I'm looking at here.

The only other thing I really want to add is that I think Raven's comments were spot-on; you're skipping a lot of the scenes that we could really use in terms of characterization. Don't worry too much about bogging the story down; a scene with good characterization is going to be just as interesting to us as a scene Where Stuff Happens, and it will make us care about the Stuff That Happens a lot more. And you don't need to spend huge amounts of time on the "skipped" scenes either, if you don't want to. Handled correctly, even a paragraph or two decscribing the aftermath of Gartren's death, for example, could work wonders.

Keep in mind that I'm not necessarily saying it SHOULD be handled that way--in essence, take whatever time the story needs--but that's one way you could go about it.

Some proper foreshadowing/information might help the end of this chapter have the impact that I feel you want it to have (mostly because of its placement). It's a neat development, though, and I'm curious to see what Vardis is on about.