First thing I'd like some clarification on: Whose the elder sibling, Cien or Elenor? I'm asking because I think it would help to characterize the relationship between these two. Right now, I'm guessing Cien's the younger.
Leirmin appeared not a moment too soon. The apocolyptic start was engrossing at first, but I'm glad that something's actually HAPPENING in the apocolypse now.
Not long after Leirmin appears, you go into something of an aside about the kingdom and the situation here. Normally I'm cautious of big chunks of information in the first few pages, but I think it fits here. I do think, however, that you can probably go back and tighten this desecription a little bit in your revisions. Pacing is everything here. (Yes, yes, I know I'm not one to talk. Shh.)
Thank you for making dragons ugly. Usually they're OMG the most amazing and beautiful creatures to have ever graced this Earth, or any other Earth you could think of.
You are doing an excellent job of presenting details of your cultural setting without having them distract from the apocolypse. (Yes, I'm just going to keep referring to it as the apocolypse. Sue me.* XP)
*Please don't actually sue me. I couldn't afford it and anyway have no money that would be worth wasting your time.
Really, I had very little to say about the prologue (sorry if this seems skimpy. I often don't have much to say until later chapters). I'd keep reading. That said, a few quick responses to what others have said...
I didn't feel the same confusion Cynic did about whether or not we were in a flashback, but Elenor's calmness does seem strikingly out of place at first. I had an easier time with it in the subsequent paragraphs, when you established that despite her calmness that she felt urgency too. I think that establishing that when she first appears would be helpful, because otherwise it is a little bit jolting.
Regarding the actual flashback: I didn't experience any confusion about this one, either. In terms of what falcon was saying about formatting and stuff, well, personally I've found that different formatting for flashbacks can actually be kind of annoying, and at least it's unnecessary. I've already closed your document so I don't remember what you did with, but--and this is of course just my thought--typically the first and last sentence of a flashback should use the past participle, and everything in the middle is fine as past tense. I've never had any problems interpreting that and I've never see anyone have problems when I do it that way in my writing either.
I didn't even notice the title until Falcon mentioned it. I think it's fine.
I thought you made it reasonably clear that Cien was, in fact, no fighter. Though truth be told I don't remember if you did that before or after he charged the dragon. I think it was before. I could be wrong.
I'm not quite sure why you're all harping on Vegas about the tone of the prologue versus the rest of the novel. Ordinarily I'd say you lot had a point, but what she said was not that the tone would get lighter. She said there wouldn't be as much graphic violence. There's a world of difference there, my friends.
Of course, having such a violent prologue may scare some people off who think that they're picking up another George RR Martin book. But I assume that you know that.
I said something cautionary, either above or in my scribbles on your actual document (I don't remember), about the use of your flashback. I didn't (don't) have a problem with it being there, exactly, but I think you could make it move quicker. In regards to what Chaos said, I don't have a problem with seeing how Cien's brother died. That's the sort of image that will probably come back when you least want it to, not that you'd ever want it to. But maybe something that you could to address my concerns about the pacing, and Chaos's concerns about the motivation for the flashback, is to make those flashbacks very specific instances, precisely like his brother getting stuck with a ballista and falling from the battlements. (And yes, "waved" is definitely the wrong word there.) Get a little closer to Cien while you're doing those flashbacks. If you make it seem like he cannot help but think about it, your readers are less likely to question the presence of a flashback. It also makes subtlety a little easier when it comes to slipping those pesky world details in. Let context explain the important stuff. If the context can't do that, well, in the case of these particular flashbacks, I'm going to say that it's probably not all that important right now.
I can't say that I particularly felt that Cien lacked depth. It's true that "estranged son wants to prove himself to his father" wouldn't be enough to carry a book on its own. I didn't get the feeling that that was the only thing to Cien. We've seen very little of him so far, and that in a very trying--and very specific--situation. But I don't need a tally of each and every one of Cien's internal conflict in the first chapter--prologue, even--I just need to feel like there is more under the surface. (Which sounds vague and wishy, I know. Anyone who knows what I'm talking about and can come up with a better way to articulate it, feel free to share.) You've achieved that for me so far.
I think that revealing that Cien and Elenor weren't human would be even more jarring if it came later. I actually didn't have a problem with it, personally, though on reflection there might be a more subtle way you can express that. You did a fantastic job of expressing the
relationship between the human and the Lomari in subtle terms later in the prologue, (the book titled
The Human Problem, the reference to the female breeding thrall) so I'm sure you're capable of doing so here too.
I wondered a bit about Elenor's death, too; if maybe it was a little peripheral. I haven't decided yet. It certainly does establish the horror of the situation firsthand, rather than in flashbacks (though if you tighten up your previous flashbacks this might make it redundant in that respect; I don't know). And I don't know how important Elenor's death is going to be to Cien and the story at large. The events leading to her death, on the other hand, does in fact feel a bit like a side quest, and she doesn't really have a chance to do much.
Oh, and I thought you could ease off the figurative language a little (and I'm guilty of a fair bit of figurative language in my own work). You're good at it, definitely. For me, it wasn't specific turns of phrase that caught my eye so much as there was a
lot of it. Enough of it that I--well, okay. I wasn't annoyed, but I was certainly noticing it, and not always in an "oh, that's a cool metaphor" way. Sometimes it was more of an "oh, look, there goes another one" kind of a feeling.
Sorry this is so late. Hopefully it's somewhat helpful anyway.
Oh, and now that Ryos has asked, which DID you intend for the title?
On this happy material, I think I may call it a night.
