The new chapter one does certainly seem more consistent with how Midius's character and abilities are portrayed in the rest of the sample chapters you posted. But I think that this chapter could be a lot better. My complaint, basically, is that I don't think this chapter one is a very good hook: there's not much action in it, and I don't really like or sympathize with Midius at the end (though I don't
dislike him, either).
Midius just seems awfully impersonal in this chapter. For example, he describes Hoid as
the greatest man who had ever lived, and not as, say
my best, only friend. His reasons for going to Partinel seem similarly impersonal and general -- and therefore weak. (Midius thinks Hoid thinks it's important -- but not urgent, obviously, since he can afford to spend his time just sitting in his cabin and staring at old scrolls -- to find some kind of secret to save Partinel...and so Midius suddenly decides to go dashing off to the city, putting his life at risk, to, uh, poke around randomly?
Huh?)
It might work better, for example, to have Midius go to Partinel to find out who had Hoid killed, and why. He could then be given to understand that Theus(a) thought that Hoid knew how to help save the city, but was refusing to do so; Midius might then agree to try to save the city just to get himself out of prison (but he'd be troubled by trying to understand why Hoid didn't save the city -- or is Theus lying?). In the long run, though I think it would be important to make Midius more human by giving him something that he cares passionately and personally about.
Some off-the-cuff ideas about how this scene
could play out to give it more action:
- Midius is off in the fain forest practicing his newly-learned lightweaving abilities (and having trouble because he's not that good yet). Theus's (mounted) assassin encounters Midius, and Midius, thinking that he's bringing supplies or information that Hoid has ordered, directs him to Hoid's cottage. Shortly afterward, Midius hears shouts from the direction of the cottage, and rushes back. But he's to late -- the cottage comes in sight just in time for Midius to see Hoid and the assassin kill each other; in the process, they knock over a candle, which lights the cottage on fire. Midius rescues the coat and dagger from the burning building, and then sets out to Partinel to find out why Hoid was killed.
- Or, you could start the story with Midius arriving at the city. He remembers how he's just lost his home and his mentor; he needs a new place to live, and thinks he can do a lot to help the people of Partinel. He expects to be welcomed, because he doesn't know that jesks aren't allowed in the city. He gets into an argument with the gate guards, who don't want to let him in, until he demonstrates his lightweaving powers. Then the guards stop arguing and just knock him out. Well, he thinks as he loses consciousness, that could have gone better....
In the second case, of course, either Theus's chapter would come first, or else the existing chapters would have to be broken up somewhat. The most straightforward thing to do, of course, would be to have chapter three be
only about Midius's conversation with the cooper.
Also, it occurs to me that if the fain forest is poisonous, the pollen and dust there ought to be at least mildly toxic. It might make more sense -- and provide a nice visual image -- if everyone who went into the fain forest for any length of time had to wear some kind of breath mask. Just a scarf wrapped around your head would do, but people who spent a lot of time in the forest might have something more elaborate.