Corrupt a wish foundation.

[Faster Master St. Pastor]

Your not, your spacey spaced!

I wish that I had six metric tons of fireworks.

[FirstMateJack]

You receive six metric tons of fireworks as they appear 500 feet above your house and car, this is unfortunate because they are really heavy. But you can still use them! (see how nice I am to grant such a wish?)

I wish I could find 3 candidates to fill my jobs I am looking at so I could be a little more wealthy. (so greedy)

[Faster Master St. Pastor]

You find them, all dead in your apartment with your fingerprints on a gun and are charged with triple homicide and given the chair.

I wish gum flavors lasted longer.

[MsFish]

They do, but by order of the government all gum must now taste like cough syrup.  Yum.  

I wish I had a pegasus.

[Faster Master St. Pastor]

You do, and it has rabies.

I wish I could bench two hundred pounds with my eyebrows.

[Shrain]

Good news! They can, but you aren't getting along with them too well lately, and, well, they took it out on your face during a weight lifting session. You are now a vegetable.

I wish I had an everlasting carton of Ben & Jerry's Half Baked ice cream.

[42]

You do have an everlasting carton of Ben & Jerry's half-baked ice cream, but even though it keeps giving ice cream it all expired in 1978.

I wish my final stats project were done.

[Faster Master St. Pastor]

It is done, but only because you paid a certain someone (who is to remain unnamed) to deploy his ninja monkeys to finish it. Unfortunatly you don't have enough money to pay him back for his "services" and spend the the next seven years running and hiding wherever you can trying and get away from the ninja monkey asassain priests as they hunt you down. You are caught and imprisoned where you finally go insane after several months of Chinese water torture.

I wish I had a Ferrari with a giant fedora attached to it.

[FirstMateJack]

Granting that wish is against my (and against anyone who can respect that car's) moral conscience. Let's just say you died from a long, horrible disfiguiring accident, in a different vehicle, just before they were to put on the fedora and leave it at that.

I wish we had let Germany keep France.

[Faster Master St. Pastor]

We did, they nuked Salt Lake and you died.

I wish I were a master alchemer.

[Fellfrosch]

You are, but since that isn't a real thing, it doesn't do you any good.

I wish my wife would stop getting sick.

[fuzzyoctopus]

She stops getting sick, but it's because she's like Bruce Willis in Unbreakable, and you have to quit your job and take care of the kids because she's so busy fighting crime.

I wish I weren't so lazy.

[42]

You stop being lazy, in fact you become so productive that you manage to accomplish everything you need to accomplish in your life in just under four hours. Then you die.

I wish I weren't so paranoid.

[Fellfrosch]

You are no longer paranoid, and the people who are out to get you can now do so without hindrance.

I wish I had a lightsaber.

[MsFish]

You do, but do to the problems of physics with such a weapon it is incorporeal.  

I wish I had roller skates.