4-13-09 ErikHolmes, The Sword of Worlds Chs 1-3

[ErikHolmes]

Hey Everyone,

Silk allowed me to bend the rules a bit since I am submitting this for a final next week. I look forward to your comments.

My submission is a first draft. Right now I am trying to polish Chapter One some. I'm not really happy with the first few paragraphs. I'm afraid that Kail arguing with an old lady in the first paragraph might turn readers against him, also I want to add more dialog between Kail and Lance. I'm working on taking the information Kail gives on Lance and giving it to the reader in a dialog between them in paragraph two or three.

I'm also worried that Chapter Two might be too much of an info dump. I'm tempted to get rid of it and use Chapter 4 (which starts with more men in suits knocking on Ellie's front door) instead.

Let me know what you think.

[Renoard]

It's an good beginning. The is an interesting story here and I'd like to read more.  You have taken time to consider the difference between real weapons trauma and manga/anime violence.  Also, you weren't afraid to have wounds bleed.  Though I wonder just how many gallons the lance guy was packing?  Maybe he was doping?  Kail seems to think a bit too, that's always a positive sign in a character.

I was a little disconcerted by the beginning of Ellie's chapter.  It seems that the encounter with Kail needs to be moved.  It it were told from Kails perspective BEFORE he gets to work, or if it were a flashback for ellie it might work better. As it is I have to wonder if it was really him.  A leap back in chronology to catch the reader up on a character works, if it is further along in the story.  But when you are first introducing a new character you want to embed her in the right chronological order as much as possible.

I found that you over use passive voice and it derailed the action in the first chapter.  Also the tone of writing suggests a timid author who is ashamed or afraid of committing to the actions he makes his characters perform.  Also the tone of "voice" Kail exhibits in during the call-center battle is just a bit too melodramatic.

There were passages where excessive use of conjunctions or statements of the obvious lead to a pedantic tone.  An example is "like it was on hinges, revealing what it had hidden."  My reaction yeah? so what else would it reveal?

Kail is unnaturally calm.  I've worked in a call center, and the fluff bunnies who live for the next vampire flick don't tend to be the type to notice the details in a firefight or manage to deal with a friend bleeding out, without a bit of panic and hysteria.  The shock response is usually a bit more incapacitating.  But that's just my opinion.

There were a few punctuation issues. I have those issues too, so I sympathize, but Brandon likely won't.

[ErikHolmes]

It's an good beginning. The is an interesting story here and I'd like to read more.  You have taken time to consider the difference between real weapons trauma and manga/anime violence.  Also, you weren't afraid to have wounds bleed.  Though I wonder just how many gallons the lance guy was packing?  Maybe he was doping?  Kail seems to think a bit too, that's always a positive sign in a character.

LOL, did I overdo the blood? Would a shot from a Desert Eagle, at close range, through the heart, not bleed that much? Kail doesn't know this in the scene, but the only reason Lance didn't drop the second he was shot is because he possesses supernatural abilities.  I toyed around with Lance throwing one of those men a few dozen yards across the room.

I was a little disconcerted by the beginning of Ellie's chapter.  It seems that the encounter with Kail needs to be moved.  It it were told from Kails perspective BEFORE he gets to work, or if it were a flashback for ellie it might work better. As it is I have to wonder if it was really him.  A leap back in chronology to catch the reader up on a character works, if it is further along in the story.  But when you are first introducing a new character you want to embed her in the right chronological order as much as possible.

I worry that Chapter Two is too boring for a 2nd Chapter. I like it and it sets up things later on but I sometimes wonder if I should just get rid of it. Chapter Four starts off back at Ellie's house with the goons in suits knocking on her door and things go pretty bad for her. I wonder if it would make a better Chapter Two.

Kail is unnaturally calm.  I've worked in a call center, and the fluff bunnies who live for the next vampire flick don't tend to be the type to notice the details in a firefight or manage to deal with a friend bleeding out, without a bit of panic and hysteria.  The shock response is usually a bit more incapacitating.  But that's just my opinion.

Unnaturally calm works for Kail. I hope its not too unrealistic but there are a lot of reason why I don't see Kail panicking like your average teenager. His mother is ex-special ops and teaches kung fu, Kail has learned martial arts since he was six. It's the kind where coming back form class with a split lip is no big deal. His parents are also both into guns and he's been around them and shooting them since a young age, he isn't gun shy.

Also, this isn't he first time a man has died in his arms like that. Kail watched his own father die after being shot as well. (Damn, and now that I remember that I might need to make some changes to chapters one and three, it would probably bring back memories).

BTW, this paragraph in Chapter Three:
"The second item was something uber. It was made of a wolf something and I’ll describe it later."
Is kind of just a place holder for me. I've been trying to think of something to put there and haven't come up with anything yet. I was spending too much time thinking about it and just wrote past it. Basically, there is an item that's been crafted from some part of a supernatural wolf. A tooth, a claw, something. I just haven't decided what yet.

The tricky part is that it has to come from a wolf (a giant wolf actually), I want it to do something useful, but it isn't enchanted. One idea is that maybe its just something that's scent alone would cause fear in animals (protecting him from beasts) or cause other wolves to treat him like an alpha or something. Still working on it.

Anyway, thanks for all of the comments, They are very helpful!

[Renoard]

LOL, did I overdo the blood? Would a shot from a Desert Eagle, at close range, through the heart, not bleed that much? Kail doesn't know this in the scene, but the only reason Lance didn't drop the second he was shot is because he possesses supernatural abilities.  I toyed around with Lance throwing one of those men a few dozen yards across the room.

I was only disturbed by the quantity.  I think the human body only contains about 6 pints.  I got the impression there was a whole lot more present.  I think through the heart might limit bleeding because the heart stops, but through the chest would make bloody hamburger.  Through shots can bleed less than a big chunks of lead and bronze lodged in the wound and cutting every time you move. . .

I worry that Chapter Two is too boring for a 2nd Chapter. I like it and it sets up things later on but I sometimes wonder if I should just get rid of it. Chapter Four starts off back at Ellie's house with the goons in suits knocking on her door and things go pretty bad for her. I wonder if it would make a better Chapter Two.

I think chapter two works. I just didn't like going from Kail running from the scene and showing up in Ellie's room, then finding that the firefight hasn't happened yet.  It cause me to stumble in the flow of the story.

Unnaturally calm works for Kail. I hope its not too unrealistic but there are a lot of reason why I don't see Kail panicking like your average teenager. His mother is ex-special ops and teaches kung fu, Kail has learned martial arts since he was six. It's the kind where coming back form class with a split lip is no big deal. His parents are also both into guns and he's been around them and shooting them since a young age, he isn't gun shy.

Also, this isn't he first time a man has died in his arms like that. Kail watched his own father die after being shot as well. (Damn, and now that I remember that I might need to make some changes to chapters one and three, it would probably bring back memories).

Those are good reasons and weird people are the bread and butter of speculative fiction.  I was just pointing it out in case it wasn't intentional characterization.  Because we'll expect Kail to behave in certain ways as the story progresses after such a cold response. 

So two weeks we get chapter 4 right?

[Hamster]

Hey Erik, great first submission!

Ok, so firstoff, I liked your story, but I'm not completely buying into it yet, I don't feel drawn in totally, and so far some your plot seems cliche, with the sword, gauntlets, black suited guys, etc. This isn't necessarily a bad thing, but I didn't see anything that made your story stand out from other urban fantasy I've read in the past. Sorry if I seem harsh or whatever, I did really enjoy reading this, I just think it needs something to set it apart.

About your first paragraphs, it felt rushed, I wanted some more characterization and more dialogue between Lance and Kail(nice name, I use the same one w/ different sp in my book).  I think that you could have started off with a slightly longer intro to your setting and characters, maybe show some of Kail's routine, and then BAM hit us with bad guys coming in.
Again, it felt rushed, like you wanted to hook us right away with some action, but it needed more setup, more depth, instead of a shoot up a few paragraphs in. I didn't care that Lance died, I didn't care that much about Kail, because it was a sudden happenstance on people that I had first seen a few paragraphs ago. Okay, so it sounds like I hated it, but I didn't, I did want to see what happened next, but I think that you have the potential to do so much better than what you have here, so I'm trying to be more critical than uplifting.

Regarding chapter 2, I actually liked it, sure it was an infodump, but it was one of those necessary ones that sets up alot of background about characters and setting, so I enjoyed learning more. BUT. But I think that if you are going to have an action bonanza in the first chapter, it's cruel to not continue on in the next chapter. It grated a bit, a confusing transition, because at first I thought it was present time. I've done this in my writing too, I set up a character and conflict in one chapter, but in the next I go to a new one. I think that defeats the purpose, because you want the reader to feel connected to the characters, and alternating chapters don't really work that well, especially at the beginning of the book. I definitely think that you should either move this chapter, or cannibalize it and use some of it as flashbacks or integrate it into late conversations. Just my opinion, but I think it could work.

BTW, this paragraph in Chapter Three:
"The second item was something uber. It was made of a wolf something and I’ll describe it later."
Is kind of just a place holder for me. I've been trying to think of something to put there and haven't come up with anything yet. I was spending too much time thinking about it and just wrote past it. Basically, there is an item that's been crafted from some part of a supernatural wolf. A tooth, a claw, something. I just haven't decided what yet.

Good, because I thought it was super cheesy to say that something was uber, a wolf something, and then not describe it at all.

Overall, great job, I really did like it, even if I sound like I didn't. Very impressive for a first draft, I wish my stuff was that good on first draft( or any draft really). Hope you give us more of this later, good luck with your writing class!

[ErikHolmes]

Ok, so firstoff, I liked your story, but I'm not completely buying into it yet, I don't feel drawn in totally, and so far some your plot seems cliche, with the sword, gauntlets, black suited guys, etc. This isn't necessarily a bad thing, but I didn't see anything that made your story stand out from other urban fantasy I've read in the past. Sorry if I seem harsh or whatever, I did really enjoy reading this, I just think it needs something to set it apart.

I know exactly what you mean. The problem is that right now in the story nothing is as it seems. As far as Kail knows the guys in suits are just that, thugs in suits. They aren't. I'm just uncertain how many spoilers I should put online, etc. I do worry though that the first few chapters seem run of the mill. You don't see Trolls, Unseelie Spirits, The Empire of Mu and world jumping until later on.

About your first paragraphs, it felt rushed, I wanted some more characterization and more dialogue between Lance and Kail(nice name, I use the same one w/ different sp in my book).  I think that you could have started off with a slightly longer intro to your setting and characters, maybe show some of Kail's routine, and then BAM hit us with bad guys coming in.
Again, it felt rushed, like you wanted to hook us right away with some action, but it needed more setup, more depth, instead of a shoot up a few paragraphs in. I didn't care that Lance died, I didn't care that much about Kail, because it was a sudden happenstance on people that I had first seen a few paragraphs ago. Okay, so it sounds like I hated it, but I didn't, I did want to see what happened next, but I think that you have the potential to do so much better than what you have here, so I'm trying to be more critical than uplifting.

Yes, I'm working on a rewrite of the first few paragraphs right now. The main thing I am changing is taking all of the things Kail tells us about Lance and instead having a dialog between Lance and Kail, after Kail finishes with that phone call, that reveals it.

Regarding chapter 2, I actually liked it, sure it was an infodump, but it was one of those necessary ones that sets up alot of background about characters and setting, so I enjoyed learning more. BUT. But I think that if you are going to have an action bonanza in the first chapter, it's cruel to not continue on in the next chapter. It grated a bit, a confusing transition, because at first I thought it was present time. I've done this in my writing too, I set up a character and conflict in one chapter, but in the next I go to a new one. I think that defeats the purpose, because you want the reader to feel connected to the characters, and alternating chapters don't really work that well, especially at the beginning of the book. I definitely think that you should either move this chapter, or cannibalize it and use some of it as flashbacks or integrate it into late conversations. Just my opinion, but I think it could work.

Ya, I'm not sure what  to do with chapter 2. I've toyed around with making the opening of chapter two into the beginning of chapter one, then having a scene where Kail and Lance drive to work, then going forward with Kail taking that phone call. I think I'll just have to write it and see how it looks. I would then put the rest of chapter two at the start of chapter four (which is my favorite chapter so far btw so I am loathe to screw with it yet )

Overall, great job, I really did like it, even if I sound like I didn't. Very impressive for a first draft, I wish my stuff was that good on first draft( or any draft really). Hope you give us more of this later, good luck with your writing class!

Thanks for the comments! I'm really glad I joined the group.

[RavenstarRHJF]

Hey Erik! 

Pretty nice first submission.  I like the plot so far.  My main issue right now (and I take into account that this is a first draft, and you're already revising) is your prose in general.  It just seems... like a first draft.  Like you were just getting your ideas onto the page, and not worrying about artistry.  Call me a snob, but it grated.   (granted, you've probably got more of your story written now than I will in the next two months, simply because you're willing to use sloppy prose on a first draft, so don't take it too hard )

Glad to hear you're working on revising the intro with more character development!

I, too, feel like Ellie's intro should occur in the same time frame.  At the very least, you should move Ch. 3 to the no. 2 spot- Kail riding off on a motorcycle is a much better point to leave off than right before he escapes from the office building.  And again with the prose thing... although in this case, it's almost like you don't fully realize who she is yet, so the way you write her naturally feels... unnatural.  Especially so in her interactions with Sonja.  Also, who is Jack?  Kail's Dad?

I like the way you have magic make him feel cold.  He doesn't know it's magic yet, but the reader can make the jump quite easily.

The section of the wall I had just touched swung back easily like it was on hinges, revealing what it had hidden.

Yes, but what was it hiding?!  A shallow compartment?  A movie theatre-size space?  You don't give us any hint of the actual dimensions of the room, other than it's obviously big enough to house a desk, a table, and a bookcase with room to move about between them.  But take into consideration that this is an apartment- that means standard configurations in each living space.  If it's a big room, give some clue, like how the walk-in closet is shallower than he's expecting, or something like that.   Sorry for the rant.  That one sentence just really bugged me.

The wolf-something or other- have you thought about a cape made from the pelt?  That could have several applications in a magical setting... just suggesting, since you seem to be having trouble with that.  Feel free to ignore! 

Other than that, it's shaping up to be a great story!  Looking forward to more.

[ryos]

Nice start you've got there; some good potential. I feel like your characters are deeper than what we've seen so far, and I want to see more from them.

I like your idea for reorganizing the flow. The beginning as it stands now is a bit too fast, and instead of hooking me, pushed me away. I then got jarred back into slow motion in chapter 2. However, I think your proposed solution would work.

I second Renoard's comments about the action, but would add that the action itself was confusing. I had a hard time telling who was shooting who with what when.

I also think we should see an obvious sign of Lance's supernatural abilities. His ability to stay up and going with such brutal wounds would be a dead giveaway if Hollywood action heros didn't routinely pull off similar feats. I was unable to tell just by reading the story that you weren't just pulling unrealistic Hollywood crap.

In that same vein, it felt odd for Kail to fail at breaking a bottle while a severely wounded Lance accomplished the significantly more difficult feat of smashing a head in a CRT monitor. Again, supernatural yadda yadda, but I don't get that from the scene as written.

I also wondered a bit that Kail didn't ever consider the legal ramifications of what he was doing. He fled the scene of a massacre, covered in blood, having reported nothing to any authority, carrying one of the murder weapons. He takes one of the victim's cars, raids his apartment (doubtless leaving tons of forensic evidence along the way), leaves the bloodstained car parked illegally in front of the complex, and leaves on the victim's motorcycle.

Now, at no point does he really do anything illegal (though one might argue that, as the closest witness to the crime, he should have stuck around the scene to give statements to the police). Nevertheless, he sure seems to be doing everything in his power to get arrested for murder.

Edit: now that I think about it, the giving of said statement may be a good time to demonstrate firsthand why Kail should not trust the authorities.

Lastly, it was a little funny that he thought a bullet bike with a sword strapped to it would attract less attention than an ordinary Dodge sports car.

...and, that's all I got. Nice work!

[ErikHolmes]

Pretty nice first submission.  I like the plot so far.  My main issue right now (and I take into account that this is a first draft, and you're already revising) is your prose in general.  It just seems... like a first draft.  Like you were just getting your ideas onto the page, and not worrying about artistry.  Call me a snob, but it grated.   (granted, you've probably got more of your story written now than I will in the next two months, simply because you're willing to use sloppy prose on a first draft, so don't take it too hard )

Ya, almost everyone I've talked had told me that the most important thing is to just keep writing. I try not to waste time getting it right the first time, right now I am just trying to get the general ideas and plot down and then maybe by draft 6.0 it will start to look pretty   

I, too, feel like Ellie's intro should occur in the same time frame.  At the very least, you should move Ch. 3 to the no. 2 spot- Kail riding off on a motorcycle is a much better point to leave off than right before he escapes from the office building.  And again with the prose thing... although in this case, it's almost like you don't fully realize who she is yet, so the way you write her naturally feels... unnatural.  Especially so in her interactions with Sonja.  Also, who is Jack?  Kail's Dad?

Damn, I was actually feeling like I had a better grasp on Ellie then I did on Kail. If it feels unnatural hopefully it's just because I'm trying to write from a woman's point of view for the first time and you know, understanding their point of view is impossible (ducks).

And yes, Jack was Kail's father. He was shot and killed two years back. The two men that shot him soon turned up dead.

The section of the wall I had just touched swung back easily like it was on hinges, revealing what it had hidden.

Yes, but what was it hiding?!  A shallow compartment?  A movie theatre-size space?  You don't give us any hint of the actual dimensions of the room, other than it's obviously big enough to house a desk, a table, and a bookcase with room to move about between them.  But take into consideration that this is an apartment- that means standard configurations in each living space.  If it's a big room, give some clue, like how the walk-in closet is shallower than he's expecting, or something like that.   Sorry for the rant.  That one sentence just really bugged me.

Ha, everyone has had something to say about that sentence. You know, when I was writing it I spent hours trying to think of some cool way that Lance had hidden it, then finally I said 'screw it' and kind of wrote past it to get to what was inside. I've decided I need to touch that up a lot too. For instance, I can't think of any reason why that hidden closet wouldn't be filled with guns and a lot of other crazy stuff. Either it's full of tomes, books, scrolls, and various magical stuff, or Lance kept it all somewhere else.

I second Renoard's comments about the action, but would add that the action itself was confusing. I had a hard time telling who was shooting who with what when.

I also think we should see an obvious sign of Lance's supernatural abilities. His ability to stay up and going with such brutal wounds would be a dead giveaway if Hollywood action heros didn't routinely pull off similar feats. I was unable to tell just by reading the story that you weren't just pulling unrealistic Hollywood crap.

In that same vein, it felt odd for Kail to fail at breaking a bottle while a severely wounded Lance accomplished the significantly more difficult feat of smashing a head in a CRT monitor. Again, supernatural yadda yadda, but I don't get that from the scene as written.

I agree that I need to clean up the action, its another one of those spots where I found myself spending a lot of time so for the first draft said 'good enough' and continued on (I do that a lot and I find that it REALLY helps to avoid the myth we call writers block).

I keep debating if I should show Lance as obviously supernatural in that scene but I feel that it would change how Kail goes about things too much. As written right now Lance is only wounded once and the only thing he does after that is pick up and smash a computer monitor on the head of the goon who is completely focused on Kail.

The bottle I just pictured to be one of those thick Soobe bottles. Those suckers never break 

Lastly, it was a little funny that he thought a bullet bike with a sword strapped to it would attract less attention than an ordinary Dodge sports car.

He mainly got rid of the car because it was full of blood and he was afraid that the goons might know it. LOL, if anyone is interested this is the car I decided to use as Lance's. I just searched for 'fast cars' and got this online.

http://pictures.topspeed.com/cars/dodge/2007-dodge-charger-srt-8-super-bee-ar11097/IMG/crop/200607/2007-dodge-charger-srt-8-_1600x0w.jpg

Again, thanks for all of the help!

[Chaos]

I really enjoyed this submission, Erik! The prose was readable, the plot moves briskly, and at the same time Kail was mildly humorous as a narrator. For example:

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not a huge car or bike guy. I only knew what it was because it said Ninja on the gas tank and ZX-14 on the back.

I love those lines. They're keepers, for sure. It's little quips like this that make Kail seem way out of his dimension, and that makes him seem more real.

Maybe I'm just a sucker, but I was immediately hooked from the beginning. It wasn't exactly because the first paragraphs were amazing, but rather because your title, "The Sword of Worlds", was totally juxtaposed from the setting of the first page. With a title like that, I expected this to take place in an imagined universe, not an office building. I suppose that juxtaposition was what kept me going through the first chapter, and the action of the first chapter carried me on through the second chapter (more in this second).

As for the first chapter, I really liked this line: "Everything suddenly went to hell." Maybe that's because you set it up with the sentence, "I thought for certain that he was going to pull out a badge, and cause all sorts of problems in Lance’s life." It just seemed to click with me.

The gunfight did, however, feel a bit strange. Not overly so, but there are a lot "the man" and "one of the men" which seem a tad disorienting. It's not a huge deal because I could get through the scene just fine, though it may need some refinement.

I didn't really feel that Kail and Lance were really close friends, but I will take your word on it.

Normally I wouldn't point out line-edits, but I didn't understand this at all:

Lance in a lot bigger than me, but I cradled in my arms like he weighed nothing.

Missing word, perhaps? This was the only time I noticed a sentence grinding to a halt like this, which is better than I can say for my own writing

Regarding chapter two, I don't think it was as bad as the others suggested. After the action of chapter one, it actually felt good to let a little bit of the tension out. Ellie appeared to be a pretty normal narrator and felt human--that's another positive thing. I did not find the jump in chronology too jarring. In fact, there was one plus for doing it that way: it made me feel a little sorry for Ellie. I was thinking, "Wow, that sucks for Ellie. She certainly isn't going to watch any movies with them." I eagerly await her reaction to the events.

That said, I also thought the constant mentioning of animals was a tad overdone. Perhaps it is important for Ellie's character (Judging from your comments about the supernatural stuff we haven't seen yet, I'd venture to guess Ellie's experience with animals would help with the supernatural creatures we will see later), but it feels unintriguing. I don't really care about her animals at this point, so it got a little laborious.

One last thing I'll say about chapter two. If you want to do this "release the tension for a little bit" here, that's fine, but make the setup in chapter two pay off. Then I won't mind at all. But it better pay off

I think the others have commented about chapter three plenty, so I don't have anything to add there.

Overall, I am very intrigued! I eagerly await where you take this. As characters go, I like Kail better than Ellie (most likely from great chapter-ending lines from him, like "Then I turned and ran, covered in the blood of my best friend." and "I was pretty sure I could afford one now." Both have a zing to it, but Ellie's doesn't), but I will go with it until I see more of Ellie's character come out. I'm not disinterested in her, but at the same time, I'm not fully interested either. We shall see what happens later

I like the plot so far, and I wouldn't put the book down at this point, that's for sure. I liked that the gunfight started on page 1, as it made things interesting. If you add in more content in the beginning, don't hold off on the gunfights too long, I think.

Final word: I would really to like to know why Lance, who has all of this weird magic stuff and fake passports, would work in the same place as Kail. Or why, if he was being chased, he could afford to settle down and work there. (Not that it feels unrealistic right now. I'd just like that particular part explained at some point )

Great work.

[Bookstore Guy]

Kail is unnaturally calm.  I've worked in a call center, and the fluff bunnies who live for the next vampire flick don't tend to be the type to notice the details in a firefight or manage to deal with a friend bleeding out, without a bit of panic and hysteria.  The shock response is usually a bit more incapacitating.  But that's just my opinion.

Unnaturally calm works for Kail. I hope its not too unrealistic but there are a lot of reason why I don't see Kail panicking like your average teenager. His mother is ex-special ops and teaches kung fu, Kail has learned martial arts since he was six. It's the kind where coming back form class with a split lip is no big deal. His parents are also both into guns and he's been around them and shooting them since a young age, he isn't gun shy.

Also, this isn't he first time a man has died in his arms like that. Kail watched his own father die after being shot as well. (Damn, and now that I remember that I might need to make some changes to chapters one and three, it would probably bring back memories).

Careful about explaining all this type of stuff in a response to a critique. You may want to avoid doing that to prevent people from knowing more than your story explains on its own. It could potentially hurt the feedback you get. Like you said, you may want to give a bit more explanation to justify his reactions (I haven't read it, so I won't comment) if this is the case. Ask why people don't buy his reaction rather than just telling them that its "all good." See what I mean?

[ErikHolmes]

I really enjoyed this submission, Erik! The prose was readable, the plot moves briskly, and at the same time Kail was mildly humorous as a narrator. For example:

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not a huge car or bike guy. I only knew what it was because it said Ninja on the gas tank and ZX-14 on the back.

I love those lines. They're keepers, for sure. It's little quips like this that make Kail seem way out of his dimension, and that makes him seem more real.

Thanks, those lines kind of worried me. When I was writing the scene, it was just what I could see Kail saying. Now that I know at least some people like them, I'm going to be sure to keep them.

The gunfight did, however, feel a bit strange. Not overly so, but there are a lot "the man" and "one of the men" which seem a tad disorienting. It's not a huge deal because I could get through the scene just fine, though it may need some refinement.

It felt a little strange to me to when I wrote it. I am actually trying to clean that up right now. Right now I am making it a little longer, pretty much giving each goons demise its own paragraph. I'm just hoping that its not too long and makes the action seem slow. I want to convey that Kail was surprised that Lance was such a bad ass. Another thing I need to convey is that the goons are just a bit off. (But I go back and forth on if Kail would have noticed that).

I didn't really feel that Kail and Lance were really close friends, but I will take your word on it.

That's something I am trying to work on now as well. I only have a few paragraphs to show that Kail and Lance loved each other like brothers. (In my first, first draft I actually had Lance tell Kail that he loved him and didn't mean to get him mixed up in all of this as he was dying, but I think I cut that out of the draft I sent you).

Normally I wouldn't point out line-edits, but I didn't understand this at all:

Lance in a lot bigger than me, but I cradled in my arms like he weighed nothing.

Missing word, perhaps? This was the only time I noticed a sentence grinding to a halt like this, which is better than I can say for my own writing

LOL, "but I cradled him in my arms..."

Regarding chapter two, I don't think it was as bad as the others suggested. After the action of chapter one, it actually felt good to let a little bit of the tension out. Ellie appeared to be a pretty normal narrator and felt human--that's another positive thing. I did not find the jump in chronology too jarring. In fact, there was one plus for doing it that way: it made me feel a little sorry for Ellie. I was thinking, "Wow, that sucks for Ellie. She certainly isn't going to watch any movies with them." I eagerly await her reaction to the events.

Yeah, I'm still not sure what I think about moving the chapters around. I really feel like the book should start with Kail and not Ellie. I'm also worried that if I start the book with the scene where Kail comes to get Ellie for work that it's getting too close to the dreaded "Starting a book with the character waking up."

I'm still debating just leaving them how they are, chopping them up and rearranging them, or just putting the two first chapters with Kail together, then going back to Ellie and doing two chapters with her, then back to Kail.

That said, I also thought the constant mentioning of animals was a tad overdone. Perhaps it is important for Ellie's character (Judging from your comments about the supernatural stuff we haven't seen yet, I'd venture to guess Ellie's experience with animals would help with the supernatural creatures we will see later), but it feels unintriguing. I don't really care about her animals at this point, so it got a little laborious.

Mainly its just my way to convey that Ellie is a lover of animals, which is important later on. I'm hoping that in those three sentences the reader will understand that animals are her life. She likes spending time with them, wants to be a vet and is really good with them.

One last thing I'll say about chapter two. If you want to do this "release the tension for a little bit" here, that's fine, but make the setup in chapter two pay off. Then I won't mind at all. But it better pay off

Well, Chapter Four is the next chapter with Ellie and so far its my favorite. I think Ellie really shines in it and I really like how it turned out. There is plenty of tension in Chapter Four I think. 

Final word: I would really to like to know why Lance, who has all of this weird magic stuff and fake passports, would work in the same place as Kail. Or why, if he was being chased, he could afford to settle down and work there. (Not that it feels unrealistic right now. I'd just like that particular part explained at some point )

Yeah, that is pretty strange. I better remember to explain all of that   

[Flo_the_G]

Overall, I think your narration needs a touch more POV-colouring. As is, you could just as well switch to 3rd person limited without changing a lot, which is to say that the narrators aren't entirely convincing yet (or maybe I should say that they could be yet more convincing). Don't get me wrong, there are some excellent lines, like the one about the motorcycle, but there's lots of room for more of those.

You've already elaborated on Kail's background here, but that definitely needs to go into the first chapter somewhere. Even then, however, Kail seems far too calm. Maybe a seasoned veteran of many battles would behave like that, but I'd expect any bloke of around my own age to run away screaming from any gunfight (i.e. to display some kind of hysterical reaction, act on instinct more than logic, etc.). Picking up the pistol I could believe (and I could believe it more easily if I knew more about the character), but taking a shower in Lance's flat? That's akin to having him stroll through town whistling happy tunes, displaying not a care in the world, while being targeted with tactical air strikes and heavy sniper fire.

On the topic of gunfights: people do not act as impenetrable shields against bullets. Holding someone in front of yourself would probably even aggravate the situation, because the bullet would be slowed down in the other guy, begin tumbling, and come to a stop somewhere inside you. Which, as far as I know, is worse than having a clean hole punched through you. There's a Mythbusters episode on the topic, I think, you can use that as "research"... ^^

If you wanted the shielding-thing to work, the gunmen would have to be using hollow point ammo. That wouldn't exactly diminish the amount of blood you need to describe, though. By the way, the fact that the bottle didn't break was great, that somehow establishes a general sense of realism for the entire scene.

I'm not too sure how to best change chapter two, but it feels pretty forced at the moment. Lots of infodumping, nothing actually happens, and then there's the confusing chronology on top of it all. The low point here was the dialogue with Kail's mother. My thoughts there were on the lines of: "Oh, so Kail knows Kung Fu, how very subtle." It could be best to have some more exposition before the action starts, and then to keep up the action throughout the changing POVs. It could also work to have lots of action in the beginning and then to work with flashbacks and the like, leaving the reader to curse you as suspense grows.

What else... there's a decidedly Matrix-esque feel to the first and third chapters. In the third it's only the fact that he suddenly has lots of cool weapons and a trenchcoat, the first opens with a scene that could have been lifted directly from the movie, what with cubicles and agents that are apparently possessed by some strange power (and supernatural fighting abilities).

All criticism aside, there are some great passages in there, considering that it's a first draft. Also, most of the above will probably become obsolete once you've edited superficially, and Kail's plot at least leaves me guessing what might happen next (Ellie hasn't really done anything, yet). I'm definitely looking forward to the next chapters.