(This critique was originally emailed to the author, due to deadline constraints and TWG being down.)
Hm. You're getting warmer. At this point I can't be certain my readings of previous drafts aren't coloring my perception of the story, but I've tried to view this submission in isolation as much as I can.
The Good- The legendary feel is sorta, kinda back. I still believe this a great strength afforded by your choice of setting that you ought to exploit. I know you disagree, so I won't push too hard on that point.
- Anarax feels much more devious, wily, and dangerous. For the first time, I see that there is a reason why he is imprisoned.
- All of the characters' motivations are more believable.
The Bad- Samira's fall at least now makes sense, but it also feels like a cop out. She no longer needs a plausible motivation for essentially committing suicide because, this time, the devil made her do it.
There are two things that bother me about this. First, it weakens the story because it essentially destroys any power her character has; there must be some other element that is bolstered by this decision to make up the loss, but I don't see it. Veresh doesn't even really seem to care when he finds out; I would expect him to be devastated, or furious, or *something* more than "Oh, that's a relief."
Second,
Samira is guilty of no crime. She did not commit adultery, for she made no choice. There is no guilt without agency, and Samira is just a puppet on a string. Therefore, why should Rashne be Oathbound to kill her for a crime she did not commit?
- I still feel you started just a bit too late. The main reason I say this is that I would have liked at least one extra scene at the beginning to help establish Veresh's character. As it is, you're having to try and establish his character and the setting, and the world at a time in the story when you should be building to a climax. It's a bit much, and it feels forced. It slows down the pacing and draws the reader out, just when we ought to be sucked in.
- All of the interactions between Hassan and Veresh felt forced. This is one part rough draft and two parts necessity—you must cram so much in this short space that it's a wonder it's as smooth as it is.
-
I felt the exposition was a bit overdone. Too explained. I put emphasis on
I felt, because I'm not entirely certain I'd feel the same if this were the first draft of the story that I'd seen. Hopefully there's an
Oathbound virgin in the audience who can confirm or deny.
- The ending isn't doing it for me. First of all, it's a bit incoherent and doesn't make a lot of sense. It feels rushed. And...wait for it...it's a bit weak, too. There's no life in it. Just, "Oh, well, okay, I guess I'm screwed. No biggie." When Veresh himself does not care, I subconsciously question why I should care, and I go away with a bland feeling for the story. Such stories are quickly forgotten.
Urgh. I'm having trouble expressing myself. Am I making any sense at all?
The Huge, Ugly Plot HoleMy godhood contained enough strength to both slam through the Prison and destroy the Oath of Divinity. With that gone, my consciousness would end, just like Anarax's had.
Well, um, great! Anarax could have committed suicide by himself at any time. No need to involve any mortal at all. No need for the story to ever even take place.
Err, yeah.