June 1, 2009- The Junction, Ch. 2 part 2- RavenstarRHJF

[ErikHolmes]

Sorry it's taken me so long to send in this critique, life's been hectic! I am trying to catch up now though . . .

Having said that, I agree with the above people that the more I read, the more your story draws me in, which is a great sign!

I really only have two comments on this submission:

One: While I liked the description of the magic and the discovery of what was wrong with the protagonists, I felt that the solution was a little too easily had. I'm not saying that the scene was done bad, but I think you could do it better, use it as an opportunity to build tension, etc. In short, make them work for discovering what is wrong.

Two: And I think I've mentioned this before. The characters we are reading about are completely inhuman. They have tails and snouts, scales, etc. I'm unsure if they have other features like horns, ridges, etc. (which might just be that I've been AFK for more then a week now). My point is, they aren't human, and I think you should play that up. Have their tails wag when they are happy, stand out straight when they are tense, and have the characters notice these things. If they don't do those thing (ie. have good self control) have them notice that too.

If these guys are lizard-like, then go research the signs lizards use when attacking mates, when threatening away predators, competition, etc. Then make up a few of your own.

I did like how their eyes changed color to show moods, I want more!

Good work!

[RavenstarRHJF]

Yay, you're the first person to pick up on the mood-eyes thing!  I'm also working on getting the body language into the narrative, and that's a good tip about researching lizards for clues- though I've already done some of that, and I'm also trying to make up some stuff that sounds likely.  But most of that info will go into the second draft.

[swaindaddy]

I have nothing of value beyond what has been said. It is a very interesting story though and I enjoy the read! I would somehow capitolize on the non-human factor as Erik stated. If we are venturing into a whole new world of races then lets go all out!

[Renoard]

BTW, I picked up on the eye color thing, just took it in stride.

I did have an amendment to my earlier post.  One thing that seemed lacking is sound.  This alien environment and they don't notice any nuance of sound.  Does this mean that their language inaudible, gestures and postures?

[Silk]

Hradoc says Meles and company were unharmed, but then adds "it's like they took a knock to the head", and concussions aren't particularly harmless.

"it was the deepest sleep any T’Awn had ever had." Something about this phrase isn't working for me. I wish I could tell you why, but I don't really know.

"… we even had a staff member imitate the hunting cry of a night predator!" Again, this line isn't doing it for me. I think it's partly because we as readers don't really understand the ominous sense that might come with the sound--at least, not with any immediacy. And the delivery of the line itself just sounds melodramatic. "The hunting cry of a night predator!" I think it's the extra adjectives that does it.

Again with the POV issues. We start the scene with Taq and for a few paragraphs it seems that we're seamlessly in his viewpoint. Then there are a couple paragraphs where it gets a little more muddied--if only because Tolan is doing all the talking, and Taq isn't really even mentioned--and suddenly you're describing Tolan accessing his power, from Tolan's own POV.

"'And the Junction!' Tolan and Taq both shouted at the same time." Sorry, but once again this isn't quite working for me. The shouting in unison thing just feels a bit melodramtic somehow.

I do like the development, though. I'll be interested to see where this goes, though I'm wondering now if this is more a story about Taq, or a story about Meles. I wouldn't be opposed to see the story move in either direction, but if this is going to be more about Taq than Meles--particularly if Meles and Co. don't wake up for a while yet--then the initial chapter might start looking like a device to explain what's happened.

Good work though, all in all.

Some points that others have mentioned--

I didn't have a problem with either the long paragraphs (though I DID change the spacing, so maybe that has something to do with it) or the descriptions.

And I'm just going to cut this critique off abruptly because I've run out of things to say. =P