Mien Stomph

[Eagle Prince]

I didn't think it was too bad.

[The Holy Saint, Grand High Poobah, Master of Monkeys, Ehlers]

*sigh*
why do I talk to you people?
Did I *say* that the final line was the point? I was responding to the final line and nothing else. I read the final line and formed enough judgement that I didn't have a desire to read the rest. It was the first thing I saw. I know it's not the point. But it still doesn't work. Probably you would be advised to cut it.

If you're going to be uppity about your age, that's fine. But claiming you're older doesn't change that the maturity of your response was still absent. It does, in fact, make it appear worse.

[Maxwell]

Okay SE the reason I'm upset is because you're trying to judge the story without reading it. the last line wouldnt change the sotry if it were gone so ya know read the story then tell me what you think cuz what you're doing now is like trying to reveiw a book based on the last page.

[The Holy Saint, Grand High Poobah, Master of Monkeys, Ehlers]

ok, i just read it, so you'll stop complaining about my misunderstanding it.

I don't think it's as insensitive as Sprig does. However, that doesn't solve any narrative problems.

There are no descriptions. There is no real connection other than you making the word part of the dinosaur name. Why are they after you if you're neither Jewish nor a dinosaur? I don't feel you communicate your declared point very well, and you have cliffs popping out of no where for things to fall from. Such a play with setting doesn't work toward your stated point, and distracts from the message.

and the ending line works even less after reading the whole story.

To be fair, this is an idea that COULD be used. When you have some more development as a writer and on the idea. if you want to go comic, go REALLY comic. Describe to me the little mustache on the T-Rex's nose. Explain the goose steps of the gestapo raptors. Have them do something besides chase you -- something that real nazis in control of a governmnet would do. There's no impact or "pull" in this story. And even such a short piece needs something. Maybe drop a breed or two of 'saur to keep it as short and develop the remaining ones more, instead of showing off your clever nomenclature. That would improve your story a lot.

Don't take this as mean. None of this post is mean spirited at all. You wanted comments, this is what I think your story needs. It's salvagable, but it needs a rewrite to do what you want it to do. (also, a proofread)

[The Holy Saint, Grand High Poobah, Master of Monkeys, Ehlers]

Okay SE the reason I'm upset is because you're trying to judge the story without reading it. the last line wouldnt change the sotry if it were gone so ya know read the story then tell me what you think cuz what you're doing now is like trying to reveiw a book based on the last page.

Not at all. FIrst impressions are VERY important. My first impression was of something that should have been cut but wasn't. If that's my first impression, why should I read on? That's what readers do. If they only impression they get is of something they don't like, then they don't pursue, like I didn't. I was *not* judging the entire story. I made it very clear before my last post that I wasn't judging the entire story. I only judged that bit.

[Maxwell]

I was counting on the title for a first impression, not the last sentance I'm sorry if my logic is hard to grasp. oh and I'm half jewish and my house is on a cliff, also this is a roiugh draft and something I'm still working with.

[stacer]

One thing that you'll have to get used to if you do end up writing more is criticism. When someone criticizes your work, take it for what it's worth. Whether you're half Jewish or not has no implication in the story--you want your story to stand alone based on its merits, whatever you hope them to be.

So any explanation you give of yourself (true or not)--being half Jewish, house being on a cliff, whatever--have no effect on how the reader reads the story. You need to set up the characterization, setting, and plot so that a reader can come to the work *without* knowing anything about you and still understand your work.

[Maxwell]

welll it was written for a different audience, one who was expected to know these things and did, it was supposed to be an autobiographical narrative.
but I do take critiscism into consideration, I just have a habbit of arguing with everything, although sprigg's comment was a tad unfounded.
P.S. sprigg they dont give whistleblower awards anymore so quit trying to be such an A student.

[Gemm: Rock & Roll Star; Born to Rock]

I have but one tie to try.

[Entsuropi]

You are such a dumbass.

So... thats a half jew irish american. Cool. But arn't we starting to run out of person to hold all these genetic combinations?

[Maxwell]

You are such a dumbass.

flattery will get you nowhere entropy.
On my dad's side Iam jewish and egyptian, On my mom's side I am Irish and scottish

[Master Xaio]

Posted by: T.F.O.       Posted on: Today at 6:42am
P.S. sprigg they dont give whistleblower awards anymore so quit trying to be such an A student.

Do you want criticism & opinions, or not? Cause all you're getting is what you asked for.  If you don't like it... then don't post.

Incidentally, what year do you say you're in?

[Maxwell]

I meant  yelling at me for righting about nazis was not critisism it was more like that kid in class who tries to get you in troulbe for not doung anything wrong, and I'm fine with critique, but they're judging the story like it was meant to be really good and really well thought out, it was just a writing exercise. nothing more. besideds I never actually asked for critique.

[Master Xaio]

Uh, if you didn't want critique, then why post it???

[Spriggan]

P.S. sprigg they dont give whistleblower awards anymore so quit trying to be such an A student.

It's obvious that you're not mature enough to deal with reality.  I, as well as many others, find trivilizing horried events in bad taste.  If you cannot see how what you're doing is causeing this then you probaly should go find someone that survived the holocaust and ask them.  And just becaue you're part jewish dosen't give you immunity from crizisim from doing something like this.  Try and insult me all you want, it wont change any of these facts.