Feb 22 Erik Holmes - The Sword of Worlds CH 23 - Kajsa

[ErikHolmes]

Sorry for being late, I just needed an extra day to finish it up. This chapter really ran away with me. I'd say only about 10% of it was planned. Hopefully it's a good thing.

I should probably mention that this chapter contains scenes of clothing being ripped and pulled off.

Thanks for reading!

[LongTimeUnderdog]

Two things bothered me about the piece.  The constant use of "My Mate," in reference to Kail, and the sex.  While The former is obvious, the mass of welling passion she makes reference to was really . . . not there.  Or at least not there in the text.  she's talkign about hos his name has some wild meaning that makes him uber (and seriously . . . you had to use wind and fire?).  And then they're in her room . . . and then the bed . . . .  It felt more like "I wanna chuck this in here," then something meaningful.  The gags afterward, alternatively, were hilarious.

Now that that short list is done . . .

Well Kajsa voice is very apparent.  Yay.  Having not read a good 18 chapters or so, I'm just going to assume this is the first time we've got her PoV.  While that's cool, I was more impressed at home very distinct it was.  My question to the author, though, is,  "Why the sudden PoV switch to her?"

I was especially excited to see Kail back to cracking wise again, my favorite part of the story.  I do think there is room for added wit to the dialogue (not that it isn't good already).  In particular Kail's declaration of ownership.  "She's Mine."

That line did make me stop for a few reasons.  1) I can't believe he actually said it.  There is a degree of cheese factor there.  2) I'm surprised she was so cool with being owned (but I might have missed that earlier in the story).  3)  Admittedly whenever Kail talks, i expect something just a little more lacking in taste.  That is, lacking in taste as "The Producers," lacks in taste.  I mean, Spring Time for Hitler?  Making that funny takes some serious talent.  But in that vain, whenever Kail talks I, as the reader, expect a certain level of wit and find myself disappointed when he doesn't come through.

[ErikHolmes]

Two things bothered me about the piece.  The constant use of "My Mate," in reference to Kail, and the sex.  While The former is obvious, the mass of welling passion she makes reference to was really . . . not there.  Or at least not there in the text.  she's talkign about hos his name has some wild meaning that makes him uber (and seriously . . . you had to use wind and fire?).  And then they're in her room . . . and then the bed . . . .  It felt more like "I wanna chuck this in here," then something meaningful.  The gags afterward, alternatively, were hilarious.

Thanks for the quick read man.

With the sex, it wasn't so much that I wanted to chuck it in as much as I felt it just had to be there. They are two young lovers who've had one night together and haven't had a chance for it since. Kajsa especially has gone without for a long time.

I'll probably have to cut down on the "my mates" though. 

Well Kajsa voice is very apparent.  Yay.  Having not read a good 18 chapters or so, I'm just going to assume this is the first time we've got her PoV.  While that's cool, I was more impressed at home very distinct it was.  My question to the author, though, is,  "Why the sudden PoV switch to her?"

There is one other chapter from Kajsa's POV (chapter 13).

The main reason I thought of doing this chapter from Kajsa's POV was I felt that the events in the mountain had a lot more impact for her than for Kail. There's so much behind the scenes stuff that wouldn't have been known by Kail. The next Kail chapter I think will make a lot more sense after having seen things from Kajsa's pov again.

The book is mainly from Kail and Ellie's pov but I'll throw in a few other povs at times when needed. (Like probably one a few from Malik in this book or the next one).

I was especially excited to see Kail back to cracking wise again, my favorite part of the story.  I do think there is room for added wit to the dialogue (not that it isn't good already).  In particular Kail's declaration of ownership.  "She's Mine."

That line did make me stop for a few reasons.  1) I can't believe he actually said it.  There is a degree of cheese factor there.  2) I'm surprised she was so cool with being owned (but I might have missed that earlier in the story).  3)  Admittedly whenever Kail talks, i expect something just a little more lacking in taste.  That is, lacking in taste as "The Producers," lacks in taste.  I mean, Spring Time for Hitler?  Making that funny takes some serious talent.  But in that vain, whenever Kail talks I, as the reader, expect a certain level of wit and find myself disappointed when he doesn't come through.

It's hard to find an appropriate response for a father saying, "I know you are going out with Kail, but start having sex with the guy I want you to and you can keep Kail around for sex too."

Which is pretty much the way Kail heard it.

Thanks for the comments!

[Shivertongue]

Fantastic chapter. I haven't actually gotten to the chapter with Kajsa's first POV (I swear I'll make it there. Honest.) so this was my introduction to her as a viewpoint character. I thought she was the perfect choice for the viewpoint for exactly the reasons you said in the post above, but also because it just plain felt right. If this chapter had been from Kail's point of view, I don't think it would have been nearly as strong.

This feels like one of the strongest chapters I've read of this story so far. It flowed very well, the implied sex did not at all seem forced or thrown in at a whim. The tension was kept high throughout, with small points at the right moments were it ebbed slightly. Further, you did an excellent job of making me crave the legendary "MORE!"

I have to mention that every time I see the name 'Crom Cruach' I feel the urge to shout "BY CROM!". And now I suddenly feel as though I've already mentioned this...

This part in particular had milk shooting out my nose.

“This is my room,” I told him, taking a deep breath.
He looked puzzled a moment, but then grinned at me, “oh yah?”

You owe me a new shirt.

All that said, I can't think of much that really needs improvement. I agree that the 'my mate' should be toned down a bit, and the stuff leading up to the sex should be telegraphed a little bit more. I can see it quite well myself, but reading back I have to admit that it is subtle, and many people might not catch the subtleties that lead up to it. (It's so subtle I have to wonder if it is even intentional, or if my superhuman sense of discovering innuendo and sexual tension in anything is manifesting again...)

Once again, great chapter. ^_^

[ryos]

I was vague on the setting at the beginning of this chapter. Where is it taking place? I need a bit more description.

That's the most standout example of lacking description, but really the entire mountain home setting has lacked color and form. How big is it? Where is the light coming from? How are things laid out? How big is the trial room, how high is the stand, where is the king speaking from? I don't get a sense of any of these things from the text.

These may seem like pointless details since they're peripheral to the plot. I'm certainly not suggesting you turn this into the Wheel of Time. But, details like these help ground us in the setting, and cultivate the "sense of wonder". You've generally done a pretty decent job of it until this location.

I liked getting Kajsa's perspective here. It felt good to get a bit more knowledge of what's going on with Kail. That said, the most expository section, the bit drawing sigils, felt out of place here. I think it needed to come earlier; perhaps much earlier. Like, back when they were still in Kajsa's cottage earlier. Kajsa's assurance that he is more than human would embolden Kail in the sections that follow, and it would seem more rational for him to assume that he can run all the way to Kajsa's home in a day.

Something about this chapter made me look back on the rest of the book up to now. It feels like forever ago that Lance got slaughtered and Kail all but set himself up as the prime suspect. It feels like another book entirely. The money, the vehicles, the Matrix Agents—they're from another life, and none of it feels connected to what's going on now.

Does that make sense? I'm not sure if this is a mark against the book or not, but to me it feels like you did a lot of setup that wound up wasted. Kail no longer thinks about Lance, nor does he wonder how he wound up with the Sword of Worlds and what he intended for Kail to do with him. Granted, he's had other things on his mind, but I'd think gathering information on that event would still be fairly high on his todo list.

Now, I'm finally getting a sense of where this book is going. You're starting to set up an Ellie/Bloodbath/Kail/Kajsa/Malik vs. Morrigan/Mordred/Crom Cruach/Minions epic final confrontation. I'm curious, how long is the book up 'till now, and how long do you plan it to be? In terms of the feel of the plot, I'd say we're just now passing halfway through.

[Recovering_Cynic]

Thoughts while reading:

I can't remember, was the last Kajsa POV chapter 1st person?  If it wasn't you need to be consistent with her.

Finished.  Rock on.  Kajsa is the man . . . er woman . . . er trollette.  Anyway, I loved the chapter, like always.  Really, at this point I don't have any major critique on the micro level.  I think there was one typo (you forgot to use the word "not" at one point), but the writing was clean.  You might give us a bit more description of the setting.  I just had a vague picture of caves with the occasional crystal.  No big deal, but something that can be improved. 

Hmmm... I had a thought.  Speaking of setting, it would be interesting to see how Kail and Kajsa see the troll caves differently.  Kajsa will know the history and the art, so she will notice, or not notice things differently from Kail.  It's not necessary, but it would give your setting more depth.

[Asmodemon]

It’s nice to get another Kajsa chapter again, her pov was fun to read the last time and it still is now. I’m going to echo the others saying this was a great chapter. There were a couple grammar issues here and there, such as fragment sentences, but those are pretty minor issues.

Fragment sentence:  “The cool strength of his support fortifying my will.” It should either have a verb, making it “The cool strength of his support fortified my will.”, or be either merged with the preceding or following sentence.

The one real issue I have is the lack of descriptions. I’d to see a little more description on where she is. Right now I’m imagining something between a cave system and a typical fantasy-style dwarven city. It’s her home and all, so she might not note those things consciously, but it’s been a long time – surely she’d notice something. The last Kajsa chapter had more descriptions of the forest she was in and she knew that place too.

[Chaos]

I don't buy the ending to the chapter. Kail does love Kajsa, and he knows she will die if he doesn't do anything. So he's kind of being a dick if he just leaves. However, I need the next Kail chapter before I can make more judgment. I didn't fully understand the significance of the Blood and Ring through this one, mostly because I've been disconnected to the rest of the book.

Other than that, I think this whole troll mountain segment requires more description, as ryos said.

The great thing about your writing, Erik, is that you always keep your characters straight. Kajsa's prose is distinct from your other characters, which is a true feat to do within first person. I think it's because Kajsa's so direct in her thoughts.

But within Kajsa's viewpoint, you don't forget about Kail either. I believe what Kail is doing every step of the way, and it's awesome to see it from an outside perspective. And I believe him when he says:

“You could buy her a pony,” Kail said. “Princesses love ponies.”

Love it.

Line issue:

I felt myself frown as my eyes narrowed at my father. “At once, my king.”
I led Kail back into his cell and sat down beside him. He looked at me but did not speak.
Father let out a great sigh.
“The first born of the king does not sleep in a dungeon,” he said.

It's not 100% clear when her father arrives.

Now get your butt together and write the next chapter.

[Renoard]

Erik I've been away for a while.  I didn't think you'd take the time to push the whole novel through this venue.  Rather than deal with the spoilers or catching up, I'd like to volunteer to be a genea-reader and give you a response to the entire chunk you have done (or the whole novel if you'd prefer to wait till you are done.)

Either way feel free to push a big chunk to my email. (put reading excuses in the subject line as usual)

[ErikHolmes]

Wow, thanks for the offer! I'll send what I've done so far to your email.

[Recovering_Cynic]

I'll up myself as a beta reader when you're finished as well, but only when your finished

[Shivertongue]

I'm in too, although I'll continue to read and comment as you send chapters (assuming you still are.)

[ErikHolmes]

I'm in too, although I'll continue to read and comment as you send chapters (assuming you still are.)

Oh I'll still be sending them in.

I just moved from Utah to Southern California (Riverside) into a house that needed a LOT of repairs. It had no running water, windows, I had to remove and replace the carpet, repair the gas line, not to mention clean up and haul off over Six TONS of trash. (I know because I paid the dump by the ton. Over $200. Luckily my cousin drives a truck that hauls off concrete from demolished construction sites).

I'll try and get rid of the hive of killer bees living in the walls in the bedroom next week . . .

So I haven't had as much time to write as usual lately. 

But I should have a chapter for this Monday.

One a big positive note (for me anyway) Brandon's editor Moshe has been having technical problems with MS Word while trying to edit WAY OF KINGS. I've been back and forth in emails with Moshe trying to help him with the problem for the last couple of days. He's promised me a signed copy of WOK when it comes out.

Who knows, maybe he'd even be willing to take a look at this manuscript I've been working on sometime. . .